Posts in category "Thoughts"

Chip Off The Old Block

I don’t know what’s worth fight­ing for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I insti­gate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll nev­er be alright
So I’m break­ing the habit
I’m break­ing the habit tonight

—Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit

Studies have shown that kids with divorced par­ents are much more like­ly to end up being divorced them­selves. As role mod­els, we take the way their par­ents treat each oth­er and use this as a mod­el for our own rela­tion­ships. And even­tu­al­ly, our kids end up treat­ing their kids the same way because that’s all they know1.

I used to take my girl­friends for grant­ed. It could have been a way for me to dis­tance myself to pre­vent get­ting hurt (as ther­a­py has shown), or it may have just been what I thought rela­tion­ships were like.

I can recall my par­ents doing the same thing to each oth­er. They did­n’t mar­ry out of love, they mar­ried because it was the thing to do when you reached a cer­tain age. Eventually, they mere­ly inhab­it­ed the same house, not even sleep­ing in the same bed or room.

It’s a cycle, a trap. But that’s not an excuse for me.

I refuse to be like them. I refuse to end up like they did. I’m going to do my best to change that about myself.

And I will break the cycle.

  1. At least, that’s the excuse my mom uses. [↩]

Greatness Of My Own

When I was dat­ing Louise, and we talked about our exes, she told me one of hers was going to be a diplo­mat, and they broke up because she knew she was­n’t meant to be a diplo­mat’s wife. I under­stood. By mar­ry­ing into cer­tain careers, you mar­ry into those respon­si­bil­i­ties as well, and they can be too much for some, me includ­ed.

So she was with me. I was­n’t bound for great­ness like that.

Still, it made me won­der; what was I meant for? What did she see in me?

I know I wasn't meant to changed the world.

But I still think I was meant to affect the lives of oth­ers. I was born for great­ness of my own, as small as it may be.

Amor Vincit Omnia

Your friends keep telling you you’ll do bet­ter. That you deserve some­one who appre­ci­ates you, and won’t toy with your feel­ings. Their words have been keep­ing togeth­er the pieces of your mend­ed heart.

But some­times, you lose sight of that. Fairness, jus­tice, pride, pro­pri­ety. All of that goes out the win­dow in a moment of weak­ness, when you’re sleep­ing on the couch, and the mem­o­ry fades in of a time when she was lying where you are now with her hands on her arms to shield her from the cold, and you opened your hood­ie to wrap it around her body, the two of your squeezed togeth­er in one piece of cloth­ing. Or when you think of some­thing that would be per­fect for her, and won­der why you can’t just leave it on her doorstep. These moments of bliss you don’t want to for­get, these habits of love proven so hard to break.

Who cares about his­to­ry? All that mat­ters is that you love this girl. Why can’t that be enough to call her? Does it have to be more com­pli­cat­ed then that?

So you read her last words over and over again, to remind your­self it was­n’t your feel­ings that were hold­ing things back. Maybe you can con­vince your­self of what every­one else seems to know.

Still, there are times when the mem­o­ries over­ride your log­ic and over­whelm your rea­son. It makes you ques­tion both her actions and yours, when you know it does­n’t make sense to con­tact her because noth­ing has changed, and noth­ing ever will. You’re the only one in the world who does­n’t seem to under­stand.

Love con­quers all, whether you want it to or not.

29: The Child

I turn 30 in 12 months.

But it does­n’t feel like I’m turn­ing 29 today. More like I’m turn­ing a‑year-away-from-30. 29 has always been so incon­se­quen­tial. One step on a stair­case before set­ting foot on a land­ing.

Self portrait at 29

 

The thing is, I’m not sure what’s sup­posed to hap­pen when hit 30. I expect some­thing big, but I don’t know what exact­ly. Like I have yet to open my eyes to some­thing. Maybe because 30 has always been adult ter­ri­to­ry in my mind, not 18.

So if I still feel like I haven’t grown up yet, is some­thing going to hap­pen in this year? Something to make me feel like an adult by the time November 13 hits in 2010?

I turn 30 in 12 months, and I don’t know what to expect.

The Turning 30 Series