29 3/12: The Once Loved

When I look at this picture, I see the flaws. The stretch marks on my back, and especially prominent on the side of my ass. Those strange red blemishes on my shoulder that I don’t remember having. The lack of junk in the trunk so common in Asian people. I didn’t even know I had a mole down there.

I used to have body-image issues. Always thinking I was too skinny, and too ugly.

Self portrait at 29 3/12


Then someone made me feel differently. She treated every part of my body with as much attention and love as I treated hers. She was the first person to ever make me believe that I was attractive too. Some days, I felt as handsome as she was pretty.

I turn 30 in nine months, and now that she’s gone, I wonder if anyone will ever see me that way again.

The Turning 30 Series


  1. Flaws? We all have them, but you have a very nice body and should be proud of it! I don’t know how much junk you want in your trunk, but it’s not like you have no ass :P

    And you will be loved that way again, as soon as you can love yourself for who you are, you will find a woman who will love you for the same reasons :)

    • It’s hard to compare asses, cause I don’t really see many of other guys. I guess I’ve always been a product of my overly-critical parents.

      Your comment made me wonder if I actually do love myself, and I don’t think I do, not completely at least. But I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to do that, because I always use that idea to make sure I always improve and never get complacent. It’d be a lot easier (and fun) to channel my love into someone else.

  2. You are very special Jeff, inside and out.


    P.S.: you can have a lock of my hair for your collection (if I read that tweet right?) As long as you promise not to voodoo me!)

    • Ah, I didn’t realize what a huge typo I made in that tweet…it was meant to say have the word “collecting” or “saving” and it looks like people understood anyway. Didn’t you get your hair cut short lately? Not sure if you’d be able to spare a lock. ;)

  3. I have a large amount of hair … my hair dresser cut it off in a neat ponytail – because I am donating it to Locks of Love.


    About: Locks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children in the United States and Canada under age 21 suffering from long-term medical hair loss from any diagnosis.

    I like to think of my head as a hair farm. This is the third time I have cut off my mane of blond hair. And donated it.

  4. You are one of the most attractive e-people I know. Exterior/interior.

    You’re awesome.

  5. I’d be happy to give you some of mine, I’ve got it here in a ponytail someplace…. ::sniff sniff::

    And BTW, I can tell you from experience that 1) you’re far harder on yourself than you should be, you have SO much going for you that a lot of men don’t; 2) not to mention the internal complexities which are a delight to most women; and 3) You have no idea how easily love can write off any flaw of the loved one when you love them. I’ve written off some HUGE flaws in the name of love, and it actually never entered my mind that the other person considered it a constant source of embarrassment. I really, honestly, didn’t care. They were too amazing to me in that place where we were then.

    • When you said, “I’d be happy to give you some of mine”, I thought you were referring to junk in the trunk until I read the word “ponytail”. :D

      I suppose I am harder on myself than I should be. But that mindset is what drives me to improve, instead of keeping me complacent. Maybe I need to find a better balance.

      • Oh gawd, I’d be delighted to give you some of my junk from the trunk too. HERE! ::plop::

  6. WHY????????

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