29 6/12: The Arrival

I haven’t had much to say lately. Suffering has always been a prerequisite for my creativity, as I only need to write when unfulfilled or unhappy, and lately I haven’t felt either.

The realization that I was happy only came when someone asked how I was doing; I responded with my usual, generic, “I’m doing well, thanks”, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn’t feel like I was lying.

Self portrait at 29 6/12

 

Not that the desire to write has left me completely. I still want to, though only because it’s an enjoyable exercise in itself, not because I need to get something off my chest. The world finally makes sense, and I wonder if it’s necessary to have this blog a place to sort out my thoughts anymore.

I’m satisfied with the person I’ve become. I’ve stopped trying to change, or constantly figuring out how to improve. I like me.

The serenity is getting better still, almost to the point where it’s an unconscious state-of-mind. Things don’t bother me the way they used to. I can dream without desire, I can live without bias, I can give without expecting, I can think without worry, and I can enjoy without guilt.

I turn 30 in half a year, and I finally feel like I’m where I should be.

The Turning 30 Series

12 comments

  1. I like the new layout.

    I wish I could have arrived here at this point. But I’m only a year younger than you… Makes me wonder if I will ever reach this point?

    • I’m sure you will. You come off as a very self-aware person, who’s interested in improving but not tied down by arrogance. I think those are key attributes to finding fulfillment no matter what one’s situation.

  2. being able to write regardless of your feelings or feelings on the matter…isn’t that the next stage of skill?

    • Hahahahh, it could be taken that way. To be able to write without inspiration must be what makes someone a professional writer.

      • Ah, interesting point here. I think it’s about having the feelings and being able to be on top of them, hence, using them as inspirations.

        You say this change has happened a few times in the past, I wonder if this time the change is a lasting one. And can you share with us how this change came about?

      • Hmmm…my definition of “feelings” is that you can’t be on top of them. They are out of one’s control. Otherwise, they’d be considered “thoughts” or “ideas”.

        Even though I felt strongly about this serenity in the past, I could tell it wouldn’t last. This time, however, I feel like there’s strong staying power because it’s a much more subtle feeling.

        I think that surviving my recent brush with suicide helped the most in granting me this serenity. It was probably the closest I’ve ever come to dying. Not that I appreciate things more (because I also did before), but I’ve been able to let go of things and just enjoy life now.

  3. I left off mine for this reason. Often tempted to go back when figuring something out or annoyed to the point of rant.
    My only question now is, is it worth it for anyone else to read what I have left to report? maybe I should continue?. Hm. eh.

    I’d like to think I’d be content if you were. But I doubt I could detach myself from the feeling that under my memory eyes somewhere I was missing an arm or something. That vague shapeless mentally held brotherperson you have become in my reading life has been as much of a surety as any family member to me (perhaps more — but that’s saying my family is pretty paltry even where it exits). While that may sound pathetic, I think of it more as a person such as myself seeking out light just as any plant would. And I think of it as having found a person whose experience resonated with mine. More than that, as well, I enjoyed trying to encourage you, where I could.

    So yes I’d totally understand if you were just… done here. But it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be missed.

    • If I stop writing, I also wonder whether I’ll take down all the things I’ve written.

      But I don’t think I’ll be done here completely. I’ll probably slow down for a while, and most likely there’ll be a shift in tone and subject matter. This change has happened a few times in the past, though much more subtly and gradually.

  4. Jeff you are so handsome it’s startling!

  5. Awesome self portrait. You should be very happy and proud of yourself. I am very happy and proud of you! You’re quite the talented individual and you have so much to offer in this world. I do wish we lived closer because we have a lot in common and I think we’d have fun hanging out :) I do want to get into photography more seriously, I just need to find the time and go through my photos and spend more time shooting.

    • Thanks Soph. It’s funny to be hearing these things from someone, when my parents have never said such things. I don’t know if I can think of anyone else who’s said they’re proud of me, so that means a lot.

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