Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend: Louise

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone baby
The thrill is gone away
You know you done me wrong baby
And you’ll be sorry someday

—BB King, The Thrill Is Gone

Our relationship was a nightmare of ups and downs.

You had the amazing ability to make me feel good about myself, by saying the right thing with intelligence and eloquence.

Yet every time I felt like I was making progress, progress that took tremendous effort and energy, progress for you, you would put me down. Every time I took a leap of faith and put myself out there, you would hurt me. It wasn’t even a case of brutal, tactless honesty; you would insult my pride for no reason.

I think it betrayed a subconscious insecurity. Something you would do to make yourself feel better. Like your constant need to prove that you’re busy and moving on. It’s as if your life is empty, void, and you’re desperate to fill it with something.

I had to end things when you went too far.

There were no regrets, because I did my absolute best to make things work. Even though I suffered, I ignored the pain, and tried working through it. I only gave up when you proved too stubborn to change or understand.

The relationship wasn’t a total loss. It was an interesting introduction to the subculture. It was passionately sexual. It also made me more confident, although I realize now that it wasn’t because of you. You barely gave me any trust, and every step forward I made, you pulled me back two. It was me who fought through all the insecurities and rose to the occasion.

When you came back in January, without a word of apology or mention of the wrong you did, I had no interest in continuing the relationship. After that, I thought of you whenever I heard the song Buried Myself Alive by The Used.

Then, with all your letters and your apologies and your tears, two years later, you asked “nicer than that”.

Unfortunately, it was at an unstable time in my life, so I asked you to back off and wait. Your idea of backing off and waiting is leaving me creepy comments and dating to fill the time. I just can’t understand how you keep making these mistakes. It’s almost like you purposely sabotage yourself.

I don’t want to be involved in the drama anymore. Nothing is ever simple with you. Even though you say you’ve changed, it’s not worth the risk to me. You had your chance, and it was a damn good one.

You’ve wronged me too many times. The last time you left my house, not knowing when or if you’d come back, I felt nothing.

I knew then that the thrill was gone.

A few other things:

  • On the phone, your voice could be so cute that it would make me weak and forget everything you did.
  • Out of all my girlfriends, you were physically the least attractive, yet you were the most conceited about your looks.
  • It was very much appreciated when you brought me flowers at work, and the times you’ve dropped off food and other goodies at my door. No one else has done this for me.
  • The way you would remember events was often completely wrong. It wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t completely convinced that your interpretation was correct. It made things rather scary, like dating a schizophrenic. You could totally fabricate how things went, the way you wanted to remember them. The root of an argument would turn into my fault, instead of yours.
  • You were a knockout in bed.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

  1. Introduction
  2. Ashley
  3. Michele
  4. Christie
  5. Jackie
  6. Louise
  7. Bronwen

11 comments

  1. If she was just bad and callous and sour across the board, there’d be no sweet hook. Life would be so easy if there were good and proper villains. (Or maybe that should be evil and improper villains.) Live and learn and take the learning with us is the best we can hope for sometimes.

  2. I used to be like that too. Believing the events as I wanted them to happen. The reason was still clear to me. Because I wanted something out of something and I can’t have anything gone wary.

    Sometimes, believing that something will happen the way you want and has happened the way you want, facilitates others to follow suit. Like walking in to an party completely uninvited but acting as if you are the guest of the host. I always wondered if this self reflection and checking process will put a hamper on leadership and confidence.

  3. @Pearl — You’re absolutely right about life being easy if it was a simple case of bad across the board. I think that’s why I stuck it out for as long as I did.

    I remember a poll once of the top 10 favourite movies, and all of them had very polarized “good” and “bad” sides. No complex characters, just pure good or evil, like Star Wars. It’s easier to hate the villian when they have no redeeming qualities.

    @Causalien — There’s a difference between being conscious and being completely unaware that you’re doing such a thing. I’d say in your case it’s more of “pretending” (a conscious thing) than “believing” (subconsciously). Those who pretend are making light of a bad situation; I don’t think this would hamper leadership or confidence. Those who believe are the ones who can’t accept the truth, hence the fabrication.

  4. I like your (sometimes brutal) honesty.

  5. Thanks Vi, this is one of the few places I feel comfortable speaking the truth.

  6. Allow me to joke for a second.

    A slightly less than attractive girl named Louise would have to be a knockout in bed.

    And allow my joking to cease.

    Thank you.

  7. Ouch. i hope i never date anyone who has a blog like this. your pen (or keyboard rather) really is mightier than the sword.

  8. Don’t hope you never date anyone with a blog like mine. Hope you never treat anyone so badly, and you won’t have to worry about such a thing.

  9. i suppose you have a point. i would never treat anyone as such and i do enjoy your blog, its just that it would hurt me to read things like that written about me, especially on the internet for all to see. it reminds me of an ex who told everyone in this mutual club we were in that i was crazy, because at the time i was suffering from generalized anxiety /panic disorder (which i know you can relate to). It’s true that i was a hand full at the time, but i was a good loving girlfriend, and he made people think that i was horrible before they could make the decision for themselves and later on i found out that he had cheated on me while we were dating. it’s all subjective i suppose and all’s fair in love and war.

  10. I don’t write to hurt people. I just write the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

    I’d say that if people think you’re horrible and crazy based on what someone else says, they’re just as much at fault for being too sequacious to believe it without getting both sides of the story. People can (and should) make decisions for themselves at any time, even after they’re given information. It doesn’t matter if your ex made up lies about you and already told them. The burden of proof is on them to find out the truth. Unfortunately, most people don’t and sheepishly believe anything their told. Just remember that a truth is worth a million words.

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