Am I not your favourite gadget, no more?
How come my little baby?
Am I not your favourite gadget, no more now?
How come not anymore?
Since you bought me, I feel lonely
Since that day things are wrong
Could you not repair me, honey
Is my warranty guaranteed gone
—Ellen ten Damme, Gadget
There was always something about you.
Your voice. Your Joisey accent. Your hair style. Your always-on choker. Your piercings (I was always a sucker for brow rings and tongue studs). Your taste in music. Your off-the-wall personality.
It was all so exciting. Something I’d never experienced before.
But you were a total drama queen too. You would get upset over the most random, innocuous things. I could never tell if you truly believed the ridiculous things you said, or whether you just said them for attention. Either way, I hated it.
You could also be as immature as a teenager. I hated how you would do things like leave in the middle of a game and storm off to the other room because you thought you would lose.
I put all my feelings aside for you. I would always let you have your way, but you’d never even consider mine, and I hated it.
Even though I knew it wouldn’t last, even though I knew you were completely wrong for me, like poison in the bloodstream, I couldn’t end it. Sometimes I still wonder if you ever think of me, or whether I was just another thing you used to occupy yourself in the summer, between boyfriends.
I’ve written more entries inspired by what happened than by anything else. I don’t want to give our relationship any significance, but the truth is that I can’t deny how important it was. What we had wouldn’t even count as a relationship, if it weren’t for how much it affected me.
My previous relationships were never satisfying. It felt like I could never fall in love or appreciate my girlfriends for who they were, and I always believed it was my fault. Then I fell in love with you, and it helped me learn that the failures of the past weren’t anyone’s fault, and simply the result of incompatibility. If it wasn’t for this realization, the suffering and the heartbreak wouldn’t have been worth it.
You were the only girl to ever break up with me. It was the shortest relationship I’ve had by far, but for some reason, it was the longest for me to get over. My heart tells me you were special, but my head tells me you weren’t special at all.
You were only the one I couldn’t have.
Leave in the middle of a game cause she thought she might lose? Something tells me it’s your head that’s right on this one, my friend. Never underestimate the lure of out-of-reach. It totally skews the value of everything.
That makes perfect sense to me now, but I assure you, at the time I was very confused and upset.
As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
ellen ten damme is a great singer/musician!
I agree…it’s not just her vocals that can be so crazy and unrestrained, it’s her great lyrics too.
You know, you spelled my name wrong. :)
How surreal this whole thing is, I didn’t comment on it the first time I read it because well that’s just awkward, but now that its buried in the archives and the annals of time, I will comment. Reading this kind of insight really helps me out as an individual trying to learn & grow from mistakes. This kind of look, from someone else’s perspective is so hard to get. I appreciate the honesty, and regret the jerkitude that I bestowed.
A long time ago you told me very precisely: Jacquelyn is too formal, Jacqui is too weird, Jacky is too dikey, and Jackie is just right. I’ll never forget that. ;)
These letters were a way for me to have closure in my relationships. They’re things I’ve always wanted to say and it felt good for me to be able to express myself. I never meant for you to change or be affected by this or even read this, but I think it shows that you’ve come a long way if you’re taking it to heart.
Jackie sounds a little bit like me.
Only much younger, and having seen less of the world than I have (presently)…
She probably was, at the time. But the fact that you’re aware of it is a very significant difference.