Why should I stay and pretend?
You make me laugh again
My darling, truth is we are not even friends
Love comes and it goes
Where your heart stops no one knows
How did I wind up in this mess, here with you?
Just a moment of weakness
I should examine my head
Just a moment of weakness
I never meant a word I said
—Bif Naked, Moment Of Weakness
The first thing about you that caught my eye was your platform shoes. More specifically, the lanky way you walked in them with your plaid skirt on. You had such a funny gait that I would study when I was walking behind you in the halls. Sometimes you looked like an injured fawn, vulnerable and awkwardly running away with your long, slender legs. It was the very definition of sexuality to a depressed, hormonal teenage male.
Those shoes gave you an extra couple inches, and I resented every time you subtly knelt so you wouldn’t be taller than me in any pictures.
I only have a single good memory of our relationship. You were sitting on my lap in the jacuzzi at Cammy’s place. It was February, and there was snow all around us, but we were warm and wet. Every few minutes, we would dunk our heads under the water, then style each other’s hair, the winter air freezing it within seconds.
The more I got to know you, the more I learned that it was all a big mistake. I stuck it out because I didn’t want to break up with you in the months leading up to your exams. It was especially hard when Lisa started showing interest in me, but I couldn’t do it.
You were a sexual bore. No sound, no reaction, nothing in bed. Your friends were all snobs. Your thoughts were trite, and your interests were shallow.
You never knew it, but I had to decide between dating you and Marina. It tore me up for a week, knowing that one of you was going to be hurt. I chose you in a moment of weakness.
It was the biggest mistake of my high school career.
Wet hair in winter really freezes in seconds? I’ll have to try that sometime.
I was thinking what Mike was thinking. That sounds pretty cool actually.
Meanwhile I’m SO glad this isn’t written about me. I think the last thing I would want people to say about me is that I was boring. I hope for Michele’s sake that she got some personality and a bit of lust for.. ahem.. life after you guys parted ways.
Still, every experience like that just lets us know what it is we are *not* looking for, eh?
You continue to amaze me with your writing. So easy to picture .. more than picture.. feel what you are writing about, the people, the moments in time. I wish I could take a leaf out of your book.
Thanks again Jeff :)
@Mike — It works extremely well, although I think it has to be at least ‑8°C. It’s really useful for trying out different hairstyles without doing the whole gel→wash→repeat cycle.
@Bean — I hope Michele has changed for the better too, although we broke up because I didn’t think it was in her capacity to do so.
You’re right though, every experience teaches us what we don’t want, and that relationship was a very good lesson.
Thanks Beanie. :)
I wonder what she thought of you?
I’ve often lamented that young guys choose girls based on the most subconscious, inexplicable reasons…like the sexy gawky gait of her walk that got you.
I was mad about a guy once, thought I’d even marry him, when I was young. He broke up with me at college when summer came and he wanted to do…whatever he wanted…I was so shocked. After three years of my utter devotion. And stranger still, when I contacted him years later just to talk about a mutual friend, we discussed our relationship. He hadn’t remembered ANYTHING of my devotion or affectionate things I did for him. He had NO IDEA I was that attached to him. I had thought I wasn’t pretty enough for him — but he married a very plain looking wife when he was older.
Funny thing was — he did remember how he’d first seen me in a pair of black pants and a silver and black sweater. I have to think boys are just more hormonal and less self-aware.
To be honest, I wonder what she thought of me too.
I’m sure there’s something to your theory about subconsciousness decisions. Men’s ties are big arrows to their penises, dangling necklaces draw attention to breasts. We hardly realize these things nowadays.
It always amazes me how some relationships may be so one-sided. When one person puts all the effort into it and never sees a break-up coming. I think my relationship with Michele was like yours, except I was on the other side.
I think most people, not just boys, are hormonal and less self-aware.