You must be saving the world as I write this, making it a better place for the ones like me who never seem to care enough to make a difference. Aside from the easy things like recycling and saving my laundry for large batches, of course, but that’s what you’d consider bare minimum, and it always felt like you used something like that as excuse to keep us at a distance.
Maybe that’s why I’ve never felt as in the way as when I was with you. It hurt to think I was only slowing you down, when I’d already planned so much. There were more shots to take, more cheeks to pinch, and parts of the world to explore together.
I know you needed a fighter to match your heart, but that’s not why I challenged you. Not cause I was a skeptic either, but because I wanted to be convinced. I wanted to be educated. I wanted you to change every preconceived notion I had of agriculture and corporate farming and sustainable growth with strong arguments and sound logic. But instead, you mistook it as apathy and conflict, and just gave up.
That’s why I wonder why you tried to kiss me last time, when things had already fallen apart. And whether I should have turned around; if you would have seen you getting in your car and driving off, or whether you would have lingered to see me wave through the glass. But I couldn’t look back, cause I’d had enough of you having enough of me.
The only things you left me with were a huge purple bruise and three songs in my collection, but I still need to thank you for something rich and fulfilling. Something that made me stronger, cause you were the only person to ever call them beauty marks, the only one to truly make me feel important and desirable and validated.
That’s probably why I think of leaving something in the Dropbox folder to find one day. Something sweet and nice and completely hopeless. But I realize it’s not cause I still like you. It’s cause I miss the idea of liking you, the idea of having something other than all this misspent love.