Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend: Ashley

The lovin is a mess, what happened to all of the feeling?
I thought it was for real; babies, rings and fools kneeling
And words of pledging trust and lifetimes stretching forever
So what went wrong? It was a lie, it crumbled apart
Ghost figures of past, present, future haunting the heart

—Belle & Sebastian, Another Sunny Day

Our relationship has always represented the innocence of my youth.

The Friday nights, playing with candle wax in the dark, learning how our bodies worked. Or the rush of worry and excitement about parents walking in the door. Olfactory sense has come to mean a great deal in my relationships. From those nights we made love with Beth’s voice coming through your tinny speakers, I get turned on when I listen to Portishead.

I kept the bottle of Gap Earth you used, something dear to me since it was discontinued. Every time I smell the nozzle, it brings me back to the time we were together.

Out of all my other girlfriends, I thought you would be the one to end up in a D/s relationship. I never realized it until my own introduction to the lifestyle, but the things you did were the most naturally submissive. The way you wanted to be tied up with our belts, the enjoyment you got from pain, your desire for me to be in control, the way you would take my hands is yours so you could kiss my knuckles. To this day, I wonder if you still like these things.

I’ve always tried to figure out why I’m never satisfied in my relationships. It’s usually not the fault of the people I date. Sometimes I blame my parents for their failed marriage, and how this has made me feel that’s it’s necessary to find the perfect person so I don’t end up like them. Sometimes I think it’s because you were the first, and you came to define what was “right” or not.

Why then, did I break up with you?

I wish I could explain. I thought things would last, because you never hurt me in any way. In fact, you did nothing wrong. Maybe we were just too young. They say you shouldn’t marry the person you can live with, you should marry the person you can’t live without.

And I knew that I could live without you.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

  1. Introduction
  2. Ashley
  3. Michele
  4. Christie
  5. Jackie
  6. Louise
  7. Bronwen

4 comments

  1. I am contemplating the fact that I might be a sub because of my natural dom tendency. Does that make sense?

  2. I really like your blog because it touches on something I can realate to. Like you, I have spent most of my teenage life looking for the “perfect” person who I can’t live without. However, I soon realized that no person has the ability to hold my life and help me live it. I have the power over this gift God has given me. With that realization and veracity accepted, I have opened my eyes to the person I know I would want to spend my life with. If that person would die before I do, I’d still go on living, knowing that that’s what he’d want me to do.
    So, don’t go on looking for the “perfect” person because you could never find one. Instead, settle on the person who your heart beats for, who makes you smile and cry. Lastly, be contented on the person whose name your hypothalamus shouts.
    Good luck!

  3. @pita – That can make sense. A lot of doms at work are subs at home because they don’t want to be responsible all the time, and need a change. However, as far as I understand, one shouldn’t define oneself but what one does, but by what one feels. I use to think the world was black and white, and categorize people as either sub or dom, but I now know many people who are neither. You may be one of these if a strong sense isn’t pulling you in one direction.

    @trex eden – I’ve realized that there’s no perfect person for a while now, after meeting many couples who are in die-hard love, yet still have their fights and their differences. If you’ve realized this as a teenager then you’re way ahead of me. What’s the fun in perfect anyway?

    I don’t quite agree about “[settling] on the person who your heart beats for” though. I’m someone who believes in marrying the right person or not marrying at all. Maybe you didn’t meant to say “settle on”, which to me is marrying the person you can live with, not the person you can’t live without.

    You bring up an interesting point about what happens if one person dies before the other. I’ve used to think of such things, in the old logic of the “perfect mate”, and wondered what I would do if the other died first. Your committment to live makes a great deal of sense, and I like your idea of no one having the ability to hold your life and help you live it.

  4. Absolutely worth waiting for the person you can’t live without. It’s your life, you only get one. Best of luck with the hunt ;)

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