Posts tagged with "dating"

semi-poly

I hope I’m not belabouring the point when I say I’ve suffered a lonely existence. For much of my life, I’ve kept those closest to me at arms-length, out of a subconscious fear that they’d hurt me. I could never turn to my parents for any kind of support, cause they were more concerned about how I made them appear than how I felt; I had no siblings with which to form an alliance when they became my greatest enemy. The best friend I carried into adulthood was a person who never truly understood me, and my best friend after that abandoned me at the first sign of difficulty.

Managing my relationship needs has been a lifelong struggle. Much of the growing I’ve done (or been forced to do) is intertwined with the solitude I’ve faced; being able to change myself gives me a small sense of control in what would otherwise be a messy and chaotic existence. An added difficulty is that I keep evolving, and my social needs evolve in turn. It takes years to develop the kinds of relationships that nurture me. I’m in the middle of a transition, and my support network is the smallest it’s ever been.

Living with a partner has helped, but at some point my attachment to Heather grew unhealthy. It’s not fair for me to put so much pressure on her to be my lover, friend, therapist, caretaker, gaming buddy…everything. When I start to resent her for my needs going unmet, I know I’m in a bad place and need to check myself.

Continue reading “semi-poly”…

everybody’s gotta learn sometime

It’s strange to feel like I’m ready for a relationship at only this point in my life. It didn’t seem right that anyone should love me if I didn’t love myself, and that didn’t really start until recently.

It also took a good round of therapy to figure out that I was sabotaging my relationships so no one could have the chance to hurt me. If I consider which ones would have worked out had that not been an issue that caused me to break up with my girlfriends in order to protect myself, I can only think of one. But that was a long time ago, and while we may have worked then, it’s no guarantee for the people we’ve become, as I’m sure there’s been a lot of growth on both our ends. It’s only now that I feel like my personal evolution has reached a peak, a place where I’m satisfied with who I am, and there won’t likely be any more drastic changes that may affect the dynamics of a relationship.

I’ve been able to recognize that the risk of getting hurt is inseparable from the trust we place in the people we love, and that risk is always worth it. I’ve left behind my baggage, something no one else should have to deal with, and I’ve had enough experience to know exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship and what kind of people work with me.

Took me 30 years to figure it all out, but everybody’s gotta learn sometime.

romantically vulnerable

I’m left feeling very vulnerable and wondering if I can be truly attracted to someone for who they are, instead of the idea of a relationship and the associated comfort of familiarity and physical connection. I miss affectionate text message conversations, spontaneous plans to cuddle, and having someone to spoil, but I need more time to sort out my feelings, and to get over the last one.

This is the exact reason I had to take a break from her. I haven’t had any contact in a while, and even though I seldom think of her these days, I’d be lying if I said I’ve forgotten completely.

There are mornings I wake up with the memory of her next to me in bed, passing hours with only delicate grazes between us. It’s as if my subconscious is still lingering on what we had, even though my conscious has given up on what could have been. Wanting to live my life with her became such a habit that I still catch myself wishing she could be there to share in my contentment when I’m sitting outside with the breeze against my skin on sunny Spring days.

She never understood why such a break would take so long1, or why I couldn’t give her a solid time-frame, but now I know it was the right decision. Even though the pain and jealousy have left me, I have to let go of the good memories just as much.

Not that I can’t be in a relationship with someone right now. Rather, I shouldn’t, cause it’d be unfair to the other person; I still catch myself making comparisons to her, believing that no one will be as dynamic, inspiring, or good for me. Or wishing I could somehow relive those memories through someone else, even though I know that new, wonderful, unique experiences are created with every relationship and every partner.

I know where I need to be before I’m ready to be with someone again. I’ve been completely taken with people in the past, and eventually I truly get over them. It may take years, but one day I wake up and the memories don’t affect me anymore, though they remain as beautiful as they are important.

  1. And this break was with the expectation that we’d eventually be in contact again, which would assuredly take even longer! []

On Being 5'4" and Weighing 115 lbs

  • Her: Does it bother you that I’m taller?
  • Me: Hah. No.
  • Me: I never understood why a guy would feel that way.
  • Her: Good good.
  • Me: Usually it bothers girls that I’m shorter.
  • Her: I don’t care at all.
  • Her: Do you care that I probably weigh more than you as well?
  • Me: Hahahahh, everyone weighs more than me.
  • Me: Trust me.
  • Her: Hahah, I’m just saying!!!
  • Me: I’m super light.
  • Me: Why, does it normally bother other guys if you’re heavier?
  • Her: Yeah for sure, I mean I don’t care one way or another…its their problem not mine, they’re the ones missing out.
  • Me: Well if I only dated girls who were lighter than me, I couldn’t date anyone older than 14.