Posts tagged with "dating"

everybody's gotta learn sometime

It’s strange to feel like I’m ready for a rela­tion­ship at only this point in my life. It didn’t seem right that any­one should love me if I didn’t love myself, and that didn’t really start until recently.

It also took a good round of ther­apy to fig­ure out that I was sab­o­tag­ing my rela­tion­ships so no one could have the chance to hurt me. If I con­sider which ones would have worked out had that not been an issue that caused me to break up with my girl­friends in order to pro­tect myself, I can only think of one. But that was a long time ago, and while we may have worked then, it’s no guar­an­tee for the peo­ple we’ve become, as I’m sure there’s been a lot of growth on both our ends. It’s only now that I feel like my per­sonal evo­lu­tion has reached a peak, a place where I’m sat­is­fied with who I am, and there won’t likely be any more dras­tic changes that may affect the dynam­ics of a relationship.

I’ve been able to rec­og­nize that the risk of get­ting hurt is insep­a­ra­ble from the trust we place in the peo­ple we love, and that risk is always worth it. I’ve left behind my bag­gage, some­thing no one else should have to deal with, and I’ve had enough expe­ri­ence to know exactly what I’m look­ing for in a rela­tion­ship and what kind of peo­ple work with me.

Took me 30 years to fig­ure it all out, but everybody’s gotta learn sometime.

romantically vulnerable

I’m left feel­ing very vul­ner­a­ble and won­der­ing if I can be truly attracted to some­one for who they are, instead of the idea of a rela­tion­ship and the asso­ci­ated com­fort of famil­iar­ity and phys­i­cal con­nec­tion. I miss affec­tion­ate text mes­sage con­ver­sa­tions, spon­ta­neous plans to cud­dle, and hav­ing some­one to spoil, but I need more time to sort out my feel­ings, and to get over the last one.

This is the exact rea­son I had to take a break from her. I haven’t had any con­tact in a while, and even though I sel­dom think of her these days, I’d be lying if I said I’ve for­got­ten completely.

There are morn­ings I wake up with the mem­ory of her next to me in bed, pass­ing hours with only del­i­cate grazes between us. It’s as if my sub­con­scious is still lin­ger­ing on what we had, even though my con­scious has given up on what could have been. Wanting to live my life with her became such a habit that I still catch myself wish­ing she could be there to share in my con­tent­ment when I’m sit­ting out­side with the breeze against my skin on sunny Spring days.

She never under­stood why such a break would take so long1, or why I couldn’t give her a solid time-frame, but now I know it was the right deci­sion. Even though the pain and jeal­ousy have left me, I have to let go of the good mem­o­ries just as much.

Not that I can’t be in a rela­tion­ship with some­one right now. Rather, I shouldn’t, cause it’d be unfair to the other per­son; I still catch myself mak­ing com­par­isons to her, believ­ing that no one will be as dynamic, inspir­ing, or good for me. Or wish­ing I could some­how relive those mem­o­ries through some­one else, even though I know that new, won­der­ful, unique expe­ri­ences are cre­ated with every rela­tion­ship and every partner.

I know where I need to be before I’m ready to be with some­one again. I’ve been com­pletely taken with peo­ple in the past, and even­tu­ally I truly get over them. It may take years, but one day I wake up and the mem­o­ries don’t affect me any­more, though they remain as beau­ti­ful as they are important.

  1. And this break was with the expec­ta­tion that we’d even­tu­ally be in con­tact again, which would assuredly take even longer! []

On Being 5'4" and Weighing 115 lbs

  • Her: Does it bother you that I’m taller?
  • Me: Hah. No.
  • Me: I never under­stood why a guy would feel that way.
  • Her: Good good.
  • Me: Usually it both­ers girls that I’m shorter.
  • Her: I don’t care at all.
  • Her: Do you care that I prob­a­bly weigh more than you as well?
  • Me: Hahahahh, every­one weighs more than me.
  • Me: Trust me.
  • Her: Hahah, I’m just saying!!!
  • Me: I’m super light.
  • Me: Why, does it nor­mally bother other guys if you’re heavier?
  • Her: Yeah for sure, I mean I don’t care one way or another…its their prob­lem not mine, they’re the ones miss­ing out.
  • Me: Well if I only dated girls who were lighter than me, I couldn’t date any­one older than 14.