I’m left feeling very vulnerable and wondering if I can be truly attracted to someone for who they are, instead of the idea of a relationship and the associated comfort of familiarity and physical connection. I miss affectionate text message conversations, spontaneous plans to cuddle, and having someone to spoil, but I need more time to sort out my feelings, and to get over the last one.
This is the exact reason I had to take a break from her. I haven’t had any contact in a while, and even though I seldom think of her these days, I’d be lying if I said I’ve forgotten completely.
There are mornings I wake up with the memory of her next to me in bed, passing hours with only delicate grazes between us. It’s as if my subconscious is still lingering on what we had, even though my conscious has given up on what could have been. Wanting to live my life with her became such a habit that I still catch myself wishing she could be there to share in my contentment when I’m sitting outside with the breeze against my skin on sunny Spring days.
She never understood why such a break would take so long1, or why I couldn’t give her a solid time-frame, but now I know it was the right decision. Even though the pain and jealousy have left me, I have to let go of the good memories just as much.
Not that I can’t be in a relationship with someone right now. Rather, I shouldn’t, cause it’d be unfair to the other person; I still catch myself making comparisons to her, believing that no one will be as dynamic, inspiring, or good for me. Or wishing I could somehow relive those memories through someone else, even though I know that new, wonderful, unique experiences are created with every relationship and every partner.
I know where I need to be before I’m ready to be with someone again. I’ve been completely taken with people in the past, and eventually I truly get over them. It may take years, but one day I wake up and the memories don’t affect me anymore, though they remain as beautiful as they are important.
- And this break was with the expectation that we’d eventually be in contact again, which would assuredly take even longer! [↩]