romantically vulnerable

I’m left feeling very vulnerable and wondering if I can be truly attracted to someone for who they are, instead of the idea of a relationship and the associated comfort of familiarity and physical connection. I miss affectionate text message conversations, spontaneous plans to cuddle, and having someone to spoil, but I need more time to sort out my feelings, and to get over the last one.

This is the exact reason I had to take a break from her. I haven’t had any contact in a while, and even though I seldom think of her these days, I’d be lying if I said I’ve forgotten completely.

There are mornings I wake up with the memory of her next to me in bed, passing hours with only delicate grazes between us. It’s as if my subconscious is still lingering on what we had, even though my conscious has given up on what could have been. Wanting to live my life with her became such a habit that I still catch myself wishing she could be there to share in my contentment when I’m sitting outside with the breeze against my skin on sunny Spring days.

She never understood why such a break would take so long1, or why I couldn’t give her a solid time-frame, but now I know it was the right decision. Even though the pain and jealousy have left me, I have to let go of the good memories just as much.

Not that I can’t be in a relationship with someone right now. Rather, I shouldn’t, cause it’d be unfair to the other person; I still catch myself making comparisons to her, believing that no one will be as dynamic, inspiring, or good for me. Or wishing I could somehow relive those memories through someone else, even though I know that new, wonderful, unique experiences are created with every relationship and every partner.

I know where I need to be before I’m ready to be with someone again. I’ve been completely taken with people in the past, and eventually I truly get over them. It may take years, but one day I wake up and the memories don’t affect me anymore, though they remain as beautiful as they are important.

  1. And this break was with the expectation that we’d eventually be in contact again, which would assuredly take even longer! []

9 comments

  1. Wow. That first paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m going through something very similar right now. Right on time, Jeff.

    • If only it were easy to tell the truth…I think a lot of heartache would be prevented.

  2. I know where you’re coming from but I don’t understand it. But I do see many guys who think and feel the same way. It’s not exactly healthy to just want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one, it means you’re still not secure and happy with who you are.

    You’ll find your way, I’m sure of it. Find what makes YOU happy. It shouldn’t need to involve someone else. We all feel happy when there is someone special there, but you want someONE special, not just anyone.

    • I’ve been trying to live for myself lately, or as you put it, doing what makes me happy. I guess I’m still trying to separate what I want and what I need to involve with someone else, because I didn’t make that distinction before. It’s definitely made me a happier person.

  3. I too have found myself in the same position in life….wanting to be with someone just for the sake of being able to say yes, I do have someone in my life. But those are the relationships that end quickly for me. I have caught myself trying to find reasons to end it and most of the time its over silly little annoying habits that I myself probably have exhibited. I know that I am not happy with where my life is at this point and I’ve finally realized that I can’t be happy with someone until I am happy with myself. It sucks to be alone but at the same time its a relief to not have to worry about trying to please someone else while dealing with it. I might get there one day……

    • While those relationships don’t last for you, they don’t even begin for me…I’d rather not go through all the complication and potential pain.

  4. Hey man I’m still trying to make that distinction too
    I think its the weather and season that brings about all these types of thoughts, feelings, yearning.. at least on my end

    I’m pretty sure i’ve thought about ‘A’ every single day since weve split up.. and only since this spring/summer weather has kicked in, do I find my thoughts about her swaying back to the ‘missing her in that sorta-way’ way… Also she’s been haunting my dreams the past two weeks…pretty damn annoying..
    And I think whatever loving feelings I felt towards ‘A’, is only a fraction of what you felt towards ‘her’…. so I can only imagine what youre feeling right now

    Since our split up I’ve been on a few ‘dates’ and met three very different people… and so far I’ve compared every single one to ‘A’… and the comparisons happen in real time (while on the date). Occasionally I will pick up qualities in the person that I like and didnt see in ‘A’… but honestly, my mind tends to focus mostly on the qualities that this new person doesn’t have that ‘A’ was full of…

    I’m too selfish, too much of a loner and a bachelor, and enjoy my own company too much to have these stressful feelings..

    Fuck!! Somebody just chop my penis off

    Sick of this!!!

    • The weather does have a lot to do with it for me too because things really started to develop over a summer.

      My feelings have evened out lately, I think because I felt so intense for so long that I burned out. That’s why I let myself feel all emotions instead of hiding them; it’s more painful in the short run, but better in the long run. You’re probably just dealing with things at a more gradual pace, which is probably another reason why those thoughts come back to you every now and then. Hell, I still go through those phases every now and then, and I don’t think they’ll completely stop for a while. After all, I’m still writing about her.

  5. hi i read what you said and think you are still really sad hurt somehow by your last realationship. I must say that even when you enter into your next relationship everyone compares certain things their previous partner did, and it will trigger thoughts but you will replace them with new ones with a new girlfriend. have fun take care but most of all stop dwelling on what was or could have been and think positive :))

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