Posts tagged with "self-destructiveness"

Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend: Christie

I can see the pain liv­ing in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sym­pa­thize
And I’ll nev­er crit­i­cize
All you’ve ever meant to my life

I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on
I don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would nev­er ask me why
My heart is so dis­guised
I just can’t live a lie any­more
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s noth­ing left to say but good­bye

—Air Supply, Goodbye

Over four years ago, I start­ed this blog because of you. I felt like you nev­er under­stood me, so I need­ed a place where I could express myself with­out any inhi­bi­tions.

I had a lot of hope in you, being drawn to your youth and inno­cence. A lot of hope in us. I always thought you were like clay I could mold. Someone who would even­tu­al­ly com­plete me, but you nev­er changed or showed improve­ment.

It took me a long time to real­ize how wrong it was for me to do that. How wrong it was for me to want you to be a dif­fer­ent per­son.

I nev­er appre­ci­at­ed you for who you were, and you nev­er deserved any of it.

I hope I did­n’t hurt you. I heard from your broth­er that you’re already on your Masters degree. I hope he’s healthy and hap­py. I hope your par­ents are doing well, that your dad is retired and they’re trav­el­ling out east like they’ve always want­ed when you start­ed uni­ver­si­ty.

There are a lot of fond mem­o­ries of our time togeth­er. I won­der if you believed me when I said that I want­ed to mar­ry you. It was some­thing I hon­est­ly felt at the time, until things start­ed falling apart, and I went through one of my phas­es again. It was­n’t your fault.

I had to end it before I led you on any fur­ther.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

  1. Introduction
  2. Ashley
  3. Michele
  4. Christie
  5. Jackie
  6. Louise
  7. Bronwen


I’ve nev­er been against any form of (non-per­ma­nent) self-muti­la­tion, as long as it’s not con­sid­ered a solu­tion to a prob­lem. After all, some peo­ple watch TV to get their minds off things, oth­ers pull out carv­ing knives and make designs on their arms. Neither activ­i­ty actu­al­ly helps a sit­u­a­tion, but are just ways to deal with things that can’t be helped.

I always make sure that I don’t have any razor blades handy. I fig­ure that if it ever gets to the very rare point that I want to cut, I’ll be calm again by the time I go out and buy some, sort of like a cool-down peri­od for firearms.

I’m proud of the fact that I’m strong enough now to resist, that if I did have a pack handy, I would­n’t reach for it as a release.


I can see it in your eyes
I can hear it in your voice
the signs are obvi­ous
that all we had has run its course

—Matchbook, Strung Out

The hard­est thing isn’t know­ing this’ll end, because the cer­tain­ty of such a fact was clear from the moment we start­ed. It’s know­ing that the end is com­ing and still falling in love that’s the hard­est.

How can I dis­tance myself when every­thing you do draws me clos­er? If only it was­n’t so fruit­less to keep remind­ing myself that this will nev­er last. All that can be said is that it’s worth it. Everything I’ll be feel­ing soon is worth anoth­er night lying next to you, worth anoth­er morn­ing wak­ing up with you.

So give me one more kiss, one more taste of your lips, and tell me how much you’ll miss this.