Monthly Archives: June 2007

Give Me One More Day

I’ve been biting off more than I can chew.

I used to enjoy my quiet, lazy, relaxing nights where I could sit down and write, but chances for creativity, expression, sociability have recently been sprouting up everywhere. These opportunities that don’t come around often, so I force myself to take the initiative before they’re gone.

Tomorrow.

Letting Go of Bronwen

Bronwen started dating another guy.

It’s funny, my first reaction is to think another guy, as if we’re still dating ourselves. I suppose our relationship has never been conventional, but that’s what makes it so special. We still spend our weekends together. We still talk on the phone for hours without actually talking. We’re close enough that I’m completely comfortable around her, enough for me to let my guard to go down.

It’s made me realize how protective I still am of her, how upset I’ll be if she gets hurt. I think of all the things I could have done better, and hope this guy can treat her better than I did.

I have all these mixed feelings about it though. I’m worried that I may lose my friend, but I’m glad there’s someone to make her happy. In the end, I know I can’t be selfish. Letting go of her the first time was hard enough.

Doing it again doesn’t make it any easier.

At the Bike Park with Tyler

Thumbnail: Classic Tyler
Thumbnail: Park rule signboard
Thumbnail: Ramp
Thumbnail: Shadows
Thumbnail: Concrete island
Thumbnail: Meeting the kids
Thumbnail: Talking
Thumbnail: On one wheel
Thumbnail: Wide shot

Tyler and I decided to combine our hobbies (biking and photography respectively), so we headed to the local skate and bike park after work. It’s amazing to see him on his bike. It’s a part of him, an extension of his body. I got a ride home while he rode his bike, and even though we left at the same time he beat me there. He was pretty burned out that day, due to it being his first time out this year, he still managed the energy for some great shots.

At the park, we met these 15-years-old kids. As Tyler noticed, you can tell a lot from someone from the bike they ride. The kid with the most skills (black shirt and jeans) had a used bike, something he put together himself. The other two kids had shiny new bikes with helmets. Tyler said it revealed how their parents were supportive of their hobby, but weren’t as hardcore in their hearts.

The great thing about Tyler is that he had no qualms about asking these kids, ten years his junior, how to do certain tricks. He has such a confidence that he wasn’t embarrassed about it at all.

Thumbnail: To the dirt
Thumbnail: Private property
Thumbnail: The dirt park
Thumbnail: The starting grill
Thumbnail: On the hill
Thumbnail: The 360 Kid
Thumbnail: More image than substance
Thumbnail: Tyler with tongue out
Thumbnail: Comparing bikes

The session was an exercise in motion photography. It’s very different from different what my usual portraits and still shots. Being placed in such a situation forced me to learn how to use AF Servo, which turned out to be more useful than I could have imagined.

The concept of motion is so subtle. You stop a frame in motion, and from looking at the bike you can’t tell which direction they’re going. It’s the muscles, the expressions on their faces, the direction of concentration that tell you what a biker is trying to do.

Embracing My Emotional Reactions

I laugh when I’m nervous. Especially around girls I’m attracted to — total gigglefest. I also laugh uncontrollably around people I meet for the first time. People lower their guard when there’s laughter, and I suspect my mind subconsciously finds humour in everything to put people at ease around me.

Around people I hate, I’m dead silent. That’s how you know I don’t like you: if I don’t talk. The mere presence of one of these people forces me to fully concentrate on not drilling a 4-inch hole in my temple with a cordless DeWalt.

Pat’s different. He told me once that if you ever see him shake his head and shrug his shoulders, you’re in his blacklist. In an act of faith, he’ll give everyone respect and will even go so far as to stab you in the front, but he gives up if you cross his line of ethics. He’ll never be involved with anything related to you after that. It’s not that he hates these people, like me, he loses all interest. This is probably even worse than my reaction which, because his is cold. You mean nothing to him. I try to let go as well, but I can’t. In the back of my head I cling to the hope that these people can change. Sometimes I also wonder if these people ever listen to themselves and can understand exactly why I hate them, because it’s so obvious to me.

I also cry in emotional situations. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly sad or happy, just a time when emotions are high. Intense sports games, Tim Horton’s commercials, sometimes just because someone else is crying. I can hide it pretty well though; people don’t understand if you start crying in a seemingly innocuous situation.

As frustrating as these emotional reactions can be, I know they make me who I am.

I used to try desperately to remain cerebral and logical — like Pat — but my emotions would always get the better of me. Now I’ve learned to embrace them. I could only do this after accepting myself and becoming content with who I am. They give me something Pat doesn’t have: intense inspiration. That rush, when your stomach churns, when your head is burns, when you heart flutters.

They’re a part of me, and they make me who I am.