Embracing My Emotional Reactions

I laugh when I’m nervous. Especially around girls I’m attracted to — total gigglefest. I also laugh uncontrollably around people I meet for the first time. People lower their guard when there’s laughter, and I suspect my mind subconsciously finds humour in everything to put people at ease around me.

Around people I hate, I’m dead silent. That’s how you know I don’t like you: if I don’t talk. The mere presence of one of these people forces me to fully concentrate on not drilling a 4-inch hole in my temple with a cordless DeWalt.

Pat’s different. He told me once that if you ever see him shake his head and shrug his shoulders, you’re in his blacklist. In an act of faith, he’ll give everyone respect and will even go so far as to stab you in the front, but he gives up if you cross his line of ethics. He’ll never be involved with anything related to you after that. It’s not that he hates these people, like me, he loses all interest. This is probably even worse than my reaction which, because his is cold. You mean nothing to him. I try to let go as well, but I can’t. In the back of my head I cling to the hope that these people can change. Sometimes I also wonder if these people ever listen to themselves and can understand exactly why I hate them, because it’s so obvious to me.

I also cry in emotional situations. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly sad or happy, just a time when emotions are high. Intense sports games, Tim Horton’s commercials, sometimes just because someone else is crying. I can hide it pretty well though; people don’t understand if you start crying in a seemingly innocuous situation.

As frustrating as these emotional reactions can be, I know they make me who I am.

I used to try desperately to remain cerebral and logical — like Pat — but my emotions would always get the better of me. Now I’ve learned to embrace them. I could only do this after accepting myself and becoming content with who I am. They give me something Pat doesn’t have: intense inspiration. That rush, when your stomach churns, when your head is burns, when you heart flutters.

They’re a part of me, and they make me who I am.

5 comments

  1. You may not realize how attractive all that is to those of us of the other gender who need “highly evolved” males in our lives…. those things all rate very high to me, and always have. Your trials have served you well and made you more valuable.

    You’re lucky that you can veil certain of them — I’ve no poker face at all. When I’m peeved with someone, only a complete moron would not guess…

    I had a guy who giggled with nervousness over me before…. it was really flattering, coming from him, and funny and endearing. Put it to excellent use!

  2. It’s good to reflect and dissect these things, and dialogue them I them. Laughing on a subconscious level to put people at ease makes sense.

    I laugh when I’m embarrassed or getting really ticked off, threatened and/or overtired, close to an absolute no to soften myself and the other, deescalate. It overshoots sometimes and gives opposite signals. I also laugh, whaddya know, when I’m lighthearted.

    I tend to clam up around people I am fondest of and am free-tongued around people who I’ve built less attachment to because no investment to lose I figure. I tend to never want anyone to be dead to me. I overintellectualize, most passive, most impersonal, most latinate and quoting, when something is closest to my heart, probably to get away to a comfortable distance.

  3. @xibee — Hahahah…I wouldn’t say “highly evolved”. Maybe “in-tune with myself”.

    My reactions are rather transparent to some actually. Some of those I hate can tell because I’m completely mute around them but animated and excited around people I like. Pat tells me I’m hard to read though, just because I don’t fit into the cookie-cutter characters of any “normal” people.

    I don’t think girls get flattered by my laughter either. They just think I’m an idiot.

    @Pearl — Laughing when you’re getting ticked off or threatened is great. I wish I had such an ability. It’s totally understandable how something like that gets misinterpreted though.

    You’re completely opposite of me when it comes to being free-tongued around people I’m fond of. It’s because these people are usually fond of me as well, and would accept me no matter what came out of my mouth. How powerful it must be to not care what others think and be able to speak your mind; I’m constantly biting my tongue to be diplomatic, because of mutual friends.

  4. I forgot to tell you, if you see me eating something while shaking my head then I’m really enjoying the food item I’m eating. I think I shake my head in this case because I can’t figure out why the object I’m eating is so good, so my brain disapproves the fact that I can’t figure things out.

    I find people who discover and accept themselves for who they are live a more fulfilling life, probably because they know what they want.

    One day I hope to feel an intense emotion that will draw tears to my eyes, but at the rate I’m going, you can call me Robocop.

  5. Hahahah…You know, I would think that you would shake your head because any other time you’d have it wouldn’t taste as good. It makes perfect sense to me.

    Maybe there will be a movie that will draw you in and speak to you enough to make you cry. That’s the only thing I can think of that could make you emotional enough. Not death or love or anything like that, but art.

Leave a Reply