Fall has fallen, and I was ready. I was waiting. I was trapped for months on end, when my body wouldn’t cooperate or anxiety got the better of me. Even hearing Townes Van Zandt sing to me about snow in Raton was enough to make me miss winter again. I’d live vicariously in any form of visual media I could find, just to remember what it was like to feel the tingle of sun on my skin.
Now I can go out, but on my own terms and for the sake of it, not just therapy or a doctor’s appointment. It’s given Heather and I a chance to date — to dress up for each other, to trade secret glances about people who might be the other’s type, to hold hands and show each other off — instead of all the coping we were left doing after falling into the relationship so suddenly.
Rachel Weisz has nothing on dem brows.
Ever since she began her career, I found it difficult to deal with how little we saw each other. It felt like we were barely connecting or having meaningful experiences when we had such limited time. Now that she has a better shift and a carpool, we have an extra hour and a half together on weekdays. Combined with Jesse committing to hangouts twice a month to play games or jam, it’s made a huge difference in the way I approach my goals and plan my time.
They’re small steps, but after so much regression, I tend to be happy with any movement in the right direction. Still, I wonder if I’ll ever find a balance that won’t leave me frantic, one that’s conducive to getting my introvert needs met while letting me feel secure in my relationships.
Continue reading “keeping the rage tender”…
It’s taken me a generous distance, as well as a healthy break from the pain, to realize I don’t understand what my mom thought of me. In my earliest years, I believed she loved me, cause none of her demands were unreasonable. After all, children are often helpless and don’t even know what’s best for themselves. Then I grew up, and developed an identity of my own. That meant I had distinctive needs separate from hers, and she would deny every one of them unless they were in line with what she wanted. It was impossible for me to believe there was any love at all when she was the cause of so much of my pain. I’ve since come to realize that relationships are full of nuances, and that it’s possible to love someone wholeheartedly and be terrible for them at the same time.
Continue reading “backstory”…
It’s in these stories, these moments, these connections, these words, these images, these harmonies, these delightful chilly breezes that foretell the coming of winter where I find a part myself lost for so long.
A general sense of numbness filled my life, but I’m starting to feel again, something I’ve been needing for a while now. It was as if I’d lost a sense of purpose, and I couldn’t figure out how to fix that cause I couldn’t tell what was wrong.
Maybe the fact that I started tapering off my dose of Cipralex (a few months ahead of schedule) is adding to the effect. It’s hard to tell with everything all mixed up, and so much happening at once.
I can’t imagine what things will be like in a few weeks, let alone a year. There’s never been so much uncertainty in my life, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. There’s always a way out. Ironic that I had to lose everything to learn that.
I didn’t know I needed a weekend like this to feel again. To dance in those little moments between brushing your teeth and getting into bed. To pass on the right and speed away to a chorus that grows louder with every shadow cast by every street lamp.
I can’t say it’s been due to any one thing. There’s just so much that seems to be happening lately. The days pass faster than ever, and I’m left wondering where life will take me next, cause I’m always surprised by every new friend and unexpected experience.
Wild boar pizza at Tennessy Willems, one of the few wood-burning pizzerias in Ottawa. A combination of boar sausage, caramelized apple, sage, roasted garlic, and sharp cheddar. The sweetness of the apple and the savoury character of the sausage make for an interesting mélange, but the use of cheddar is what really gives this pizza a unique taste.
When I’m drowning in emotion, it feels like I’m perpetually coming out of the water, emptying my stale lungs before taking in as much air as I can again.
This is when every breath is beautiful. A rush of life coming at me.
Darren and I crashed at the same time. It’s like we’re going through this together. I wish I was back in T.O. with him and Chris, cause some of the best conversations of the year happened in that car. We’re all in the same place, all young men on the mend.
I’m very pleased to say that Darren’s now the owner of a wild cherry sunburst Seagull Entourage Mini Jumbo (but with a pick-guard and cutaway). And I’m totally jealous, as I’ve been drooling over pictures of guitar bindings and rosettes myself lately. I had borrowed Jesse’s ginormous guitar for a bit, and I felt like I was pinned under a piece of furniture every time I tried playing it. It totally turned me off guitars in general, but as I was walking through the Ottawa Folklore Centre today, I saw a series of much smaller acoustics. I had to keep walking. The last thing I can afford is another hobby and another toy.
Got this shot through the lens of my telescope, which is why you can see the circular outline of the eyepiece. Big enough to make out the geographical features like the Mare Insularum splotch on the top left. Taken when still bright out, but the moon shone bright through the daylight.
I had a decent night of sleep for the first time in far too long, maybe because I’ve written more in the last week than in the three months before that. Strange how clear and calming and inspiring it is to be rested. I still don’t know what I’m feeling though. It’s like I just don’t know what to think anymore.
A ridiculous amount of Starcraft II has been played. ____ and I have even been playing against each other, which is strange for us because neither person wants to beat the other (out of sportsmanship), but neither wants to lose either (out of foolish pride). I was far more dominant in Warcraft 3 because it’s micro driven so we never did 1v1, but Starcraft is macro driven, which ____ is much better at. He’s proven himself to be a very worthy opponent with several good games on me. I’m so glad Blizzard doesn’t record the number of hours played in a person’s profile now.
I want to be in France in this season. My neighbours just came back from Paris and told me it was really foggy. I wouldn’t mind. Really. I’d love to walk down the stony path of rue Saint Vincent — the setting of one of my favourite Yves Montand songs — when it’s covered by a hazy mist and I’m sporting a cozy sweater.
I spend 21 hours of the day in my room, and I’m never bored. I don’t go out of the house for days at at time. I have neither the reason nor the desire to. I think I handle being alone too well.