It’s been months since I had an appointment with my therapist. I’ve needed the time to work on myself before making further progress with him; a sign that I’m at a point where there’s a sense of direction, instead of relentless confusion and dread. Now it’s a matter of absorbing the concepts I should know by now, developing healthier emotional habits, and letting time heal what reason cannot. As my body recovers from the physical repercussions of depression, finding the energy to do these things gets a bit easier each season.
As a result, I’ve been picking up new responsibilities in my primary relationship, which I have to carefully balance with my personal goals. Maybe that’s why my wants have become such simple matters. Some days, I look forward to nothing more than eating ice cream after dinner, or playing a game until my thumbs are raw. The distillation of my dreams has given me another childhood, which I’m determined not to squander.
Part of the reason I stopped taking pictures is because I needed to believe Heather was real. To prove to myself that she wouldn’t suddenly disappear and only exist as a collection of pixels on my screen, like others lovers of my past. Mostly it was because everything was terrible, and just being conscious was a burden. Some days I was too sad to walk or eat, let alone decide what lens to put on my camera or how to frame a shot. The start of any relationship tends to be a time of wonder and excitement for me, but I don’t remember those years with particular fondness.
Continue reading “whales in the bodies of tiny fish”…
My Canon 5D Mark II has been a faithful companion for five years. It’s followed me on even the most mundane trips, as I wanted to be sure no experience was lost in the years where I found myself growing beyond the furthest plans I’d made. However, it’s remained tucked away in the closet for the last while, as part of an effort to more mindful of each moment; moments that may be lost when I’m finding the right angle or waiting for the right scene.
As a result, the trusty LowePro Fastpack I used to take everywhere — with space enough for a camera body, three lenses, and an assortment of odds and ends — no longer fit my lifestyle and needs. Fortunately, I was given a chance to try out Knomo’s Troon messenger bag, and discovered it’s the perfect fit for my new journeys.
Continue reading “Troon, from Knomo”…
Lila’s been my inspiration lately. Her photos are of such routine subjects, but every frame is more than that moment. There’s something about them that exudes glamour and intimacy, as if her entire life was filled with champagne and Channel.
I asked her what theory she follows, what equipment she uses, expecting to learn some basic technique I’ve somehow missed. Instead, she tells me she doesn’t do or use anything special. She doesn’t even know what she sets for exposure and tone, cause she always plays around and changes them for every photo she takes. A true Taoist when it comes to photography, and a true photographer after my heart.
“best birthday ever.”, “coolest guy on the block”, “he is the one”, “London, I love you”.
One of my favourite subjects is her perfectly-coifed, impeccably-dressed Norwegian boyfriend. Sometimes he’s just lying by the window, and with his shirt off you can make out the fabric creases that have marked his back, revealing that he’s recently turned over on the bed. It makes you wonder what’s happened, or what’s about to happen. These are the details she’s chosen to capture. These things were important enough for her to pick up her camera. There’s such affection under it all, and perhaps that’s why it’s so fascinating to see how the girl looks at the guy.
It’s the same with Aurora’s old entries:
Rolf is sitting a few feet away from me on a Sunday night and we’re about to play Settlers Of Catan online together. He’ll wake me with a kiss in the morning and we’ll drive to work together. I’m full of a tasty new supper that he introduced me to. We’ve just fucked on the floor.
Do I love him? Or do I love this? How big is the difference?
I’ve always wondered what a person would say if she ever wrote about me the way Aurora wrote about him. To see a lover learning and growing, figuring out their life and the world, and discovering what part I play in all of that.
Jesse’s Dangerously’s latest knockout album, Humble & Brilliant, has been released as a digital download only with no physical media. However, you can also purchase a chapbook for those of us who enjoy the tactile feeling of liner notes, lyrics, and kick-ass illustrations. Included in the digital download is this topless picture of Jesse I took to promote the album.
I have so many amazing memories of these songs, back before the album was released and I was doing backup ukulele parts for a few of his acoustic sets. That was when I was just starting to get into playing an instrument again, except this time it was in my adulthood and it was for reals. He gave me a draft of the album last year when all the ideas were there but he had yet to decide on how some of them were going to be executed, so it’s very satisfying to hear how polished and complete it is now.
There were a bunch of shots we did but didn’t end using, and they were all really fun to do.
Pictures more brilliant than humble
There’s been a strange interlude of discomfort amidst the serenity.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have so many ideas, but they all require a human subject. I tried doing some landscapes, but all I got was some shots of dirty snow and a runny nose. It’s the habits, details, nuances, rituals, flaws, moments of people that I love to capture.
I’m booked for two more weddings this year, and I live for those moments of chaos, when people are too worried about drinking and eating and dancing to think about being recorded, a sort of animated jumpology. But even though it takes me a few weeks to put the final together, weddings are never enough. I just want to keep filming and editing and filming and editing.