Posts tagged with "portrait"

wake me up when October ends

I was doing well in terms of sticking to my bi-weekly writing schedule. Putting my mind to something and being responsible to myself became a nurturing routine. Then October came and I lost the plot.

pretty girl with bangs

It can’t just be love, right? I can’t be the only one who thinks she’s beautiful. Her gentle smile has me convinced it’s an objective fact.

It’s the appointments: dentists, gastros, perios, shrinks. They all happen to fall within a few weeks, some of them up to three times. I know they’re all there to help me, but I’ve had a frustrating and difficult history with most medical professionals. At this point, I simply wouldn’t have the patience to sit in a waiting room if it weren’t for Heather there to support me every time. At least I found a competent psychiatrist; the first one who’s ever truly listened to me before prescribing any medication1.

Continue reading “wake me up when October ends”…

  1. One of the most important questions he asked was whether or not the hospital followed up with me after my suicide attempt. The answer, of course, being a resounding NOPE. []

whales in the bodies of tiny fish

It’s been months since I had an appointment with my therapist. I’ve needed the time to work on myself before making further progress with him; a sign that I’m at a point where there’s a sense of direction, instead of relentless confusion and dread. Now it’s a matter of absorbing the concepts I should know by now, developing healthier emotional habits, and letting time heal what reason cannot. As my body recovers from the physical repercussions of depression, finding the energy to do these things gets a bit easier each season1.

As a result, I’ve been picking up new responsibilities in my primary relationship, which I have to carefully balance with my personal goals. Maybe that’s why my wants have become such simple matters. Some days, I look forward to nothing more than eating ice cream after dinner, or playing a game until my thumbs are raw. The distillation of my dreams has given me another childhood, which I’m determined not to squander.


Part of the reason I stopped taking pictures is because I needed to believe Heather was real. To prove to myself that she wouldn’t suddenly disappear and only exist as a collection of pixels on my screen, like others lovers of my past2. Mostly it was because everything was terrible, and just being conscious was a burden. Some days I was too sad to walk or eat, let alone decide what lens to put on my camera or how to frame a shot. The start of any relationship tends to be a time of wonder and excitement for me, but I don’t remember those years with particular fondness3.

Continue reading “whales in the bodies of tiny fish”…

  1. There have been many steps back on the journey forward, enough for the progress to be indiscernible from a week-to-week (or even month-by-month) basis. []
  2. It’s strange to realize that my drive to photograph things was partially a way of dealing with my abandonment issues. []
  3. At least I feel secure in the knowledge that Heather stuck by me when I was literally at my worst. []

Humble & Brilliant

Jesse’s Dangerously’s latest knockout album, Humble & Brilliant1, has been released as a digital download only with no physical media. However, you can also purchase a chapbook for those of us who enjoy the tactile feeling of liner notes, lyrics, and kick-ass illustrations. Included in the digital download is this topless picture of Jesse I took to promote the album.

Jesse Dangerously — shirtless


I have so many amazing memories of these songs, back before the album was released and I was doing backup ukulele parts for a few of his acoustic sets. That was when I was just starting to get into playing an instrument again, except this time it was in my adulthood and it was for reals. He gave me a draft of the album last year when all the ideas were there but he had yet to decide on how some of them were going to be executed, so it’s very satisfying to hear how polished and complete it is now.

There were a bunch of shots we did but didn’t end using, and they were all really fun to do.

Pictures more brilliant than humble

  1. Proper pronunciation has the emphasis on the last syllable of “Brilliant”. []

go on

I had a fever dream one night. When I woke up, everything was clear. I finally snapped back to reality. Thank fuck.

Hitting rock bottom was the only way for me to gain some perspective. When you’re at the edge, you tend to get a better look at yourself. Now my recovery is as meteoric as my fall. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m any stronger or better for it. If I ever end up in the same situation again one day, will I be able to handle it better? For some reason, I don’t think so. All I know is that I held on, I’m strong enough to go on, and I had to figure it out by myself.

Ryan at two


My music has been a mix of stuff lately, generally warm and chill, and most of it being too personal for me to post here. Or maybe I’m just being greedy. By a stroke of luck, I found this song after two years of scouring every possible music venue (I even had my card out, ready to buy it on iTunes, but they aren’t popular enough to be on there). I almost cried when I heard it for the first time at 320kbps.

I’m leaning towards the purchase of a classical guitar (as opposed to a steel-string one). I’m sure it’s because Cohen always used a nylon-stringed guitar in his early albums, and this has influenced my palate to prefer a rounder, mellow sound. Even though this decision will be in the far future, I can’t help but listen to as many classical guitarists as possible to see what kind of tone they can muster from their strings. Unfortunately, it’s really rare to find contemporary music (the only genre I’m interested in playing) being performed on a classical guitar, unless it’s a gimmick tune like the theme for Super Mario Bros.

The weather is turning lovely the only way Autumn can, as crisp as it is fleeting.

I have so many ideas going through my head, and I wish I could follow through on all of them. Or give up writing/photography/cinematography/web design/music and focus on one at a time. But I always get bored of a medium, or feel the need express myself with a particular one because it may better lend itself to being a voice in a certain situation.