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(This first. Listen to the clarity of the lower octave notes that Regina adds in waves and waves at the end of the chorus; you can tell it’s a quality grand piano just from how those notes resonate — an upright would sound much muddier at the low end. This is the song that plays on day (408) and it’s fucking perfect. Also, title from the lyrics.1)
It would appear that someone made a movie of my last relationship, and (500) Days of Summer is to #8 as Eternal Sunshine was to #4. The interesting part is that it was released early last year, during the relationship, and I wonder if it would have changed anything on my end, had I seen it then. And if she saw it now, would she understand things from my perspective? Or does she understand already? And if other people saw it, would they understand how one could unwittingly get their hopes up when things are so clear from the beginning?
I’m so glad Marc Webb, the director, treated the material with such grace. You can tell it was based on experience because the tender moments come from a real place (co-writer Scott Neustadter admitted Summer was based on a girl who “returned his kisses but not his ardor”). In an interview, Joseph Gordon-Levitt said, “I’ve had my heart broken before. Truly, truly broken. But when I look back at me in my heartbroken phase, it’s pretty hilarious, because it felt so much more extreme than it really was. One of the things I love about (500) Days of Summer is that it doesn’t make light of what we go through in romances [emphasis mine], but it is honest about it and shows it for what it is, which is often profoundly funny”, and I completely agree. I also appreciate the fact that they don’t villainize Summer because she never takes advantage of Tom2, and at the same time, it doesn’t make the agonizing days he goes through any less significant or difficult. In a profound way, it brings justification to everything I was (or am) going through. I suppose I’m just waiting for the punchline.
Hah.
Watching it has left me feeling emotionally devastated lately, almost as if I’ve regressed, and lost months of progress. John says it’s because seeing it was like seeing her again, reliving the entire thing from day one, from when we had met in the office. Like a recovering alcoholic falling off the wagon and taking his first sip in 5 years. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the message, and as well as the recommendation to watch the movie from Darren.
Even though I’ve tried to completely forget and move on, I’ve come to learn it’s not that easy. It’s almost as if you have to accept the all the memories, both good and bad, as much as you accept your own qualities and flaws.
The days, months, years you spend with someone significant will inevitably change and shape you. To deny them is to deny yourself.
I found it fascinating to trace the plot developments to parts of my own story. The entries I’ve written over the last two years echo the sentiments so strikingly in dialogue, songs, and voice-overs.
Things in blockquotes are either narrator voice-over or directors notes. I listed the events linearly too (even though the film is presented in non-linear fashion) for the sake of clarity. It’s also interesting to see how the calendar title cards change backgrounds, from bright and sunny, to red and simmering, to grey and bleak.
This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen, of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met “the one”.
From my entry The Penultimate Letter — “My whole life, I looked for someone like you. Someone who was capable of raising me to my potential, someone who was worthy of the love I have to offer. But even then, I never knew I was capable of a love that resonated so deeply in my person.”
- Rachel: Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soul mate, Tom.
From my entry, What I Mean To Say — “Cause she loved The Mars Volta and Shane Watt as much as I do.”
The office is emptying out. Only a few people remain but Tom and Summer are two of them. Tom takes this opportunity to put a CD in his computer and play the song really loud. It’s “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” by The Smiths. No reaction from Summer. Tom turns it up. Still nothing. Tom turns it down, defeated.
From my entry, Good Times For A Change — “Before you start reading, play this song. It’s a Deftones cover of The Smiths’ song Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want. There have been a few other artists who have done covers too, including Muse, but only Chino has the kind of raw emotion in his voice that matches Morrisey.”
- Summer: We’re young. We live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Might as well have fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later.
From my entry, Dead End Guy — [The second sentence]
- Summer: I just wanna tell you that, um, I’m not really looking for anything…serious. Is that okay?
- Tom: Yeah.
- Summer: ‘Cause some people kind of freak out when they hear that.
- Tom: No, not me.
From my entry, Lye and Vinegar — “I was told it was over before it started…”
(Yep, that’s a cartoon bird on his shoulder.)
It’s the greatest morning of all time! Tom walks down the street. Or, more accurately, Tom struts down the street. He’s pointing at people as he passes, winking, doing a little shuffle. He is the man.
From my entry, Lysergic Bliss — “There’s a tenderness that reaches deep within me, and burgeons forth to paint the world an intoxicating spectrum. It’s a world where every song is a journey, every chord is more dulcet than the last, and I don’t want to, I need to dance.”
- Tom: Yeah. Guys, look, Summer and I…we know how we feel. We don’t need to label it. “Boyfriend, girlfriend.” That stuff is very… juvenile.
From my entry, She Treads Softly — “So I told her not to hold anything back, because there’s nothing she can do, no boundaries we can define, to make me love her any less.”
There’s something about this moment, the way she sings along, the way her eyes close during certain notes, the way her smile rises and falls like she could cry at any minute from being overwhelmingly happy or just simply overwhelmed. Tom is powerless to stop his feelings for this girl.
Be Still My Heart — “Not that I let myself fall for her. My heart never gave me a choice.”
- Tom: I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. l love this heart-shaped birthmark she has on her neck. I love the way she sometimes licks her lips before she talks. l love the sound of her laugh. l love the way she looks when she’s sleeping.
From my entry, What I Mean To Say —“The way she wore her hair differently every time I saw her. The way her cheeks would round so endearingly when she truly laughed. The way she could look beautiful wearing dresses, or jeans, or my old pajamas. The way the tantalizing golden down traveled along her lower back.”
- Tom: I love how she makes me feel. Like anything’s possible. Like, I don’t know…like life is worth it.
From my entry, Be Still My Heart — “It’s the way she makes me happy without trying. The way I’m filled with tenderness every time I feel the warmth of her skin against mine. The way her existence gives me hope for the rest of the world.”
- Tom: This is not how you treat your friend. Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends, my balls!
From my entry, Unimportance and Mixed Signals — “…she said she never wanted a relationship with me, yet we ended up doing everything involved in a relationship, without any solid commitment on her end.” I’d say that the outburst Tom has, I never had. They were more implosions, a sucking in of my chest from the inside, where I’m left with a feeling of void.
- Tom: Look, we don’t have to put a label on it. That’s fine. I get it. But, you know, I just—I need some consistency.
From my entry, The End of the Affair — “I could never expect anything from her, the way I could expect things from a girlfriend. Never get upset at her for not staying the night, or not spending enough time with me. Every time we were together, I would wonder what her mood was and what level we were at for that particular day because it would change constantly.”
In close-up, Tom goes to hold Summer’s hand. But something happens. It could be a total coincidence, but just as his hand approaches hers (in slow-motion), she moves it away and keeps it at her side. Tom puts his hands in his pockets, unsure if there’s something to read in that.
From my entry, Pygmalion — “This ivory in my bed stares straight ahead when I kiss her…But this stone doesn’t smooth with wear, it crumbles and falls away.”
- Summer: I think we should stop seeing each other. I mean, this thing, what are we doing? Is this normal?
- Tom: Norm… I… I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m happy. Aren’t you happy?
- Summer: You’re happy?
- Tom: You’re not?
- Summer: All we do is argue.
From my entry, Follow Up — “…she didn’t like the conflicts we’d have, which she saw as a sign that we were incompatible”
- Tom: I don’t want to get over her. I want to get her back.
From my entry, Difficult Acceptance — “And yet, knowing this doesn’t make me feel any better, because it’s her that I want.”
- Tom: I HATE THIS SONG!
From my entry, The Song Will Be Mine — “I started doing this because none of my music is sacred anymore — every time I hear an old favourite, there’s a memory that’s associated with it”.
Also from my entry, Hide And Seek — “I let her in, I shared with her so many chords that stir up emotion in me, I rendered myself vulnerable, and now I can’t listen to some of them without thinking of her. It seems unfair that I gave her so much, that I sacrificed things I hold so dear and sacred in my heart, with nothing to show for it.”
- Tom: You know, on the one hand, I want to forget her. On the other hand, I know that she’s the only person in the entire universe that will make me happy.
From my entry, A Step Forward — “For a while now, people have been trying to set me up…My habitual disinterest came from the belief that no one could compare to the muse.”
- Tom: So now I keep going through every day in my mind, every second really. Wondering. What went wrong? Is it my fault? Could I have prevented it somehow?
From my entry, Not A Chance — “Without knowing whether or not it would have worked out had she given me the opportunity, I feel like I’ll always be left wondering.”
- Tom: I can’t get her out of my head, you know? I see her everywhere. She’s all I think about. And it’s horrible.
From my entry, Reminders of Love and Loss — “The truth is that it felt so right for so long, and it was wonderful when it worked. Which is why I still think of her when I close my eyes, and let my guard down.”
Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time his expectations would align with reality.
This was, by far, the most painful part of the movie, the one that resonated the most deeply, the scene that broke the streak. I’m glad they accomplished it so well in split-screen. Even though I lived through this dozens of times, I was never a good enough writer to put these feelings in words, and the closest was from my entry, Reminders of Love and Loss — “…she behaved with such detached indifference the last time she came over, when I was tearing my heart out trying not to grab and embrace her.”
- Tom: It’s…It’s these cards, and the movies, and the pop songs…They’re to blame for all the lies…and the heartache, everything.
From my entry, There Is No Such Thing As Love — “Hollywood would have us believe that love exists…But love doesn’t exist in real life, as much as I want to believe that it does.” Damn. I think it’s safe to say I knew exactly how Tom felt when he flipped out in that meeting.
And while I wish I could say that my ending was as clean as the one in the movie, it wasn’t. Instead of peaceful denouement, it dragged on for months, and that’s where the stories diverge. Things got complicated, messy, much more painful than they should have been, and I’m left stuck on (499).
Damn not only do I feel bad for recommending the movie, but for pressuring you into watching it.. asap too!! Haha… But I really thought you might have watched the movie before I asked, or at least heard of it, because I remember reading one of your entries where somebody left the comment: “This reminds me of 500 days of summer…” and you responded with something like: “I never heard of it, but a lot of people tell me that the stuff I write is in some romantic movie that I’ve never seen”
One major thing that I realized about the movie is that the viewer is only given Tom’s perspective on the situation and we’re left with a big question mark at the end as to why Summer didn’t want to be with Tom, or didn’t feel the same way he did. We are told that it’s because Summer was always uncertain of her feelings toward Tom, but the reality is that this is the writer’s interpretation of why Summer (The writer’s real-life girl) left and in the end we are left with no true answers and no real closure except the writer’s/Tom’s perspective. Just like in real life with you! Maybe this is why you are a bit emotionally conflicted with the movie.. Because although the empathy is nice, the film leaves you with no real answers or closure.. something that would have been a nice to toss around in your head or at least consider-assuming it would have been positive:)
So what do you think the message of the movie is? That there is no such thing as love? That there is no such thing as “the one”? That “Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soul mate…” Does “the one” only exist when feelings are mutual-when both people agree that each other is “the one”? If Summer chose to stay with Tom, would Tom have lived the rest of his life under the illusion that she is “the one” and continue to love her like she is “the one”? When there is somebody out there much better suited for him?
I personally believe in “the one”.. that somewhere on this earth, there is one person that is more suited for you than everybody else… will I ever meet this person? Probably not in this lifetime… maybe they’re 12 years old? 75? Living in Australia? Dead? Who knows.. But another thing I believe is that if you were to take a ranking of all the people on earth, in order of compatibility with you (“the one” being first on the list), I bet a handful of the people you have met, will meet, or can meet in your lifetime will fall above the 80th percentile… which is to say that the love and happiness you will experience with this person will pretty much be indifferentiable… its like having $1 billion instead of $2 billion.. you know what I mean?
Anyways.. I’m completely rambling here but you know what has been putting a huge smile on my face lately? Knowing that I am an amazing man. That any woman will be lucky to have me as a lover because I am a great lover. That I am a truly honest, genuine, accepting, understanding and expressive man. That my capacity for love is huge. That I am willing to work. That I am willing to compromise. That the one I choose to give my love to will be treated like nothing less than a queen. That nothing else will matter to me but her happiness. And this is EXACTLY the type of man you are… a great, great lover, a romantic, a gentleman.. wake up man!! You’re a fucking big fish! I know you know this about yourself too… The belief may be fleeting, but its definately there.. so what’s there to be scared about? And I bet every visitor, whether regular or not, that reads what you write and sees the photos you take would agree with me.. Doesn’t your awareness of your capacity for love give you some kind of faith or hope for the future? When I think of how great of a lover I can be, it feels like it would be so unjust for me not to find somebody to love…And for somebody like you, there’s no way your “romantic aura” (cant think of better words to describe lol) doesnt naturally attract women… Your previous dry spells have ALWAYS ended.. so why would it be different now? What was so special about Summer in that movie anyways? I honestly don’t think she was portrayed as anything special in the movie… She was cute and had decent taste in music? That’s all I remember…It’s Tom who’s the hero of that story…Summer was just another girl.. But I digress…since my break up, when I imagine “the one” or the idea of loving a woman, in my head, I’ve always pictured Arjmand… But now when I think of this “theoretical” woman in my head, I think of the future (the real future-what has yet come to pass). I think of the woman that I will ultimately choose to be with for the rest of my life.. the woman that I will want to give all my love to for the rest of my life… and this woman exits today, I just don’t know who she is yet… It’s like my future self talking to me in my head saying.. ‘relax… you’ll be here one day.. you’ll be happy… you’ll have found someone special… just take things more lightly for now…relax’ And this always leaves me wondering what ‘she’ is doing right now.. What she looks like.. Is she coming out of a relationship now too? Is she as lost in life as I am too right now? and a smile crosses my face when I realize that one day we will be together.. just not right now.. and I find enormous comfort in this… I hope you can too.. Just have a little faith;)
Love you man!!
Darren
Hah, don’t feel bad about it. I feel conflicted about seeing it, like I just survived a horrific plane crash; shaken from what I went through, and happy just to be alive at the same time. Overall, watching the movie has probably helped me get over things. It’s tremendously relieving to know that my situation isn’t unique. It happened to someone else much, much earlier than me, and I take comfort in the fact that I wasn’t the only person to react this way to the same situation.
I actually remembered saying that comment, but didn’t remember Jason’s comment about the movie. I had to go back to make sure it was there. I even said I’d download the movie that weekend…I feel like such a liar.
I think the message of the movie is that life goes on, it’s just chapters that end and not the book. The director said, “In Tom’s eyes, Summer is perfection, but perfection has no depth. Summer’s not a girl, she’s a phase.” Those last two sentences are what stand out to me; that it’s just a phase, and phases end. You touched on this exactly when you asked, “What was so special about Summer in that movie anyways?” The difference is that in my case, I knew exactly what was so special about my muse. I could define it very well, and I thought it was perfect in that it was imperfect. I think they could have developed the Summer character more and given her the same depth that my muse had, but it wouldn’t have fit into a marketable movie.
I think the only closure to be had was in Summer’s explanation of how she felt something for her husband that she was never sure of with Tom. You can’t really explain feelings, like why you love or don’t love someone. It would be as hard as explaining why you like strawberry ice cream but not chocolate. So I guess that was enough of an explanation for me, and Tom too. It has to be, anyway.
I completely agree with your soul mate analogy, minus the soul mates. :) The $1 billion vs $2 billion example is perfect, because there can always be someone more compatible or better for you, and you could spend your entire life second guessing yourself and who you’re with, or you could just be happy and appreciate what you have. I’d definitely choose the latter.
My own insecurity comes from something I’m not able to talk about here…out of sheer embarrassment. I’ll probably have to explain it to you privately. But as for your comment “Doesn’t your awareness of your capacity for love give you some kind of faith or hope for the future?”…if it were true that I’m so special, I would be married by now. But I’m not married, which means it’s never as simple as being a good guy. My faith or hope is kept in check by the fact that there are so many other factors involved that are out of my control. Unrequited love is just one of them.
To be honest, part of me doesn’t mind these feelings, or all the complications of dating. The adventure, nervousness, uncertainty — it’s still exciting. And I tell myself that when I’m married to the same person for 40 years, a part of me may miss that, so I appreciate them while I’m in the middle of it now.
Your motivation is great. It’s true that my dry spells have ended, and I’ve gotten over people. It’s taken a lot of time, but I’ve done it. Out of all my friends, you’re the only one keeping me afloat. I always think of your words when I lose perspective. I even have camera pictures of our chats from when we’re playing Warcraft that I look at every now and then. It’s purely the zeal you use to explain these things that make me truly believe in myself.
Thank you so much.
Oh my God… I’m impressed. I’ve just read your one article about memory by chance when searching for disadvantages of a good memory in the Internet. Now, I want to read EVERYTHING what you’ve written on this site :) But before that, I only would like to thank for what you’ve written. Now I finally found a person who had the idea how write something in so intelligent way.
Thank you. This was a very fortunate accident.
And by the way, I really liked ‘500 days of summer’ but for me the ending is too simple. I’ve expected something more than just the beginning of a new ‘story’ (for sure a chance for the new LOVE story).
I really wish you good luck in keeping writing :)
and… after reading your whole discussion between You, Jeff and your friend — Darren, I came up with one main thought — of course, as Darren wrote, I also believe in that everyone has our soulmate somewhere in the world. but the question is if we find he or she in the right moment of life? I always thought about it in this way… And, even if we find someone who we know that could be called ‘the one’ in our life, are we sure is ‘the one’ forever? I mean, I’m afraid that one day, I’ll wake up and think that maybe I chose a wrong person to be my husband. Perhaps we weren’t meant to each other? How could I’ll know it?
There are so many questions… In conclusion, in my opinion better is not to look for someone ‘perfect’ or ‘the one’ through our whole life, but enjoy a moment and love you share with someone else, who is close to you RIGHT NOW. Of course, I wish everyone to find soulmate, but I’m not sure if the life really depends only on ‘finding’, but first of all depends on ‘looking’.
I never considered the perspective that a soul mate may only be a soul mate in a particular phase of one’s life. But I guess my belief is that a soul mate would accept any changes in oneself. Cool point.
This entry will undoubtedly be remembered as one of my favourites not only because I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written (as usual) and also because of how much thought you’ve put into it and detailed it is in drawing the parallels between the movie and your own life.
Your comparison explaining why you love or don’t love someone to strawberry and chocolate ice cream is a great example and definitely one I’ll be sharing with friends and young students who I work with should they face a similar situation.
I have to admit that I was surprised at how so many details in the film were so similar to mine, right down to the same song Tom and I both played.
The only reason why I was able to come up with the ice cream example is because I’ve been on the other side of the relationship, where everything “made sense” for me to be attracted to someone, but it didn’t click in my heart. It’s helped me accept things, but it’s still not easy!
Yes, Darren. We keep telling him he’s a fucking goddam big fish! It’ll sink in sometime. ; )
Heh, thanks. But it’s not me who should believe that. :)
True, we need to convince a perfect woman of that.… BTW I saw the film last night. Holy crap!!! That totally IS your recent many months.….It’s freakishly close.
Scary, eh? And it came out before mine was over. Otherwise, I’d accuse them of plagiarizing!
Hi,actualliy I’ve just looking for some WPthemes for my blog and then I saw the pictures of movie.
Yes, the movie was impressed .I saw the enternal sunshine too,but that was more from the Man perspective. and I like summer more,cause such girl like summer is rarely to be meet. I mean , she may hurt somebodys heart,but when man think of the time with her , he probably say,that she always the one of his life. She already changed his life.
I’m a summer girl. still looking for the last.