I'm the hero of the story

(This first. Listen to the clar­i­ty of the low­er octave notes that Regina adds in waves and waves at the end of the cho­rus; you can tell it’s a qual­i­ty grand piano just from how those notes res­onate — an upright would sound much mud­di­er at the low end. This is the song that plays on day (408) and it’s fuck­ing per­fect. Also, title from the lyrics.1)

It would appear that some­one made a movie of my last rela­tion­ship, and (500) Days of Summer is to #8 as Eternal Sunshine was to #4. The inter­est­ing part is that it was released ear­ly last year, dur­ing the rela­tion­ship, and I won­der if it would have changed any­thing on my end, had I seen it then. And if she saw it now, would she under­stand things from my per­spec­tive? Or does she under­stand already? And if oth­er peo­ple saw it, would they under­stand how one could unwit­ting­ly get their hopes up when things are so clear from the begin­ning?

I’m so glad Marc Webb, the direc­tor, treat­ed the mate­r­i­al with such grace. You can tell it was based on expe­ri­ence because the ten­der moments come from a real place (co-writer Scott Neustadter admit­ted Summer was based on a girl who “returned his kiss­es but not his ardor”). In an inter­view, Joseph Gordon-Levitt said, “I’ve had my heart bro­ken before. Truly, tru­ly bro­ken. But when I look back at me in my heart­bro­ken phase, it’s pret­ty hilar­i­ous, because it felt so much more extreme than it real­ly was. One of the things I love about (500) Days of Summer is that it does­n’t make light of what we go through in romances [empha­sis mine], but it is hon­est about it and shows it for what it is, which is often pro­found­ly fun­ny”, and I com­plete­ly agree. I also appre­ci­ate the fact that they don’t vil­lainize Summer because she nev­er takes advan­tage of Tom2, and at the same time, it does­n’t make the ago­niz­ing days he goes through any less sig­nif­i­cant or dif­fi­cult. In a pro­found way, it brings jus­ti­fi­ca­tion to every­thing I was (or am) going through. I sup­pose I’m just wait­ing for the punch­line.


Watching it has left me feel­ing emo­tion­al­ly dev­as­tat­ed late­ly, almost as if I’ve regressed, and lost months of progress. Perhaps it’s because see­ing it was like see­ing her again, reliv­ing the entire thing from day one, from when we had met in the office. Like a recov­er­ing alco­holic falling off the wag­on and tak­ing his first sip in 5 years. That does­n’t mean I don’t appre­ci­ate the mes­sage, and as well as the rec­om­men­da­tion to watch the movie from Darren.

Even though I’ve tried to com­plete­ly for­get and move on, I’ve come to learn it’s not that easy. It’s almost as if you have to accept the all the mem­o­ries, both good and bad, as much as you accept your own qual­i­ties and flaws.

The days, months, years you spend with someone significant will inevitably change and shape you. To deny them is to deny yourself.

I found it fas­ci­nat­ing to trace the plot devel­op­ments to parts of my own sto­ry. The entries I’ve writ­ten over the last two years echo the sen­ti­ments so strik­ing­ly in dia­logue, songs, and voice-overs.

Things in block­quotes are either nar­ra­tor voice-over or direc­tors notes. I list­ed the events lin­ear­ly too (even though the film is pre­sent­ed in non-lin­ear fash­ion) for the sake of clar­i­ty. It’s also inter­est­ing to see how the cal­en­dar title cards change back­grounds, from bright and sun­ny, to red and sim­mer­ing, to grey and bleak.


This is a sto­ry of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen, of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believ­ing that he’d nev­er tru­ly be hap­py until the day he met “the one”.

From my entry The Penultimate Letter — “My whole life, I looked for some­one like you. Someone who was capa­ble of rais­ing me to my poten­tial, some­one who was wor­thy of the love I have to offer. But even then, I nev­er knew I was capa­ble of a love that res­onat­ed so deeply in my per­son.”


  • Rachel: Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that does­n’t make her your soul mate, Tom.

From my entry, What I Mean To Say — “Cause she loved The Mars Volta and Shane Watt as much as I do.”


The office is emp­ty­ing out. Only a few peo­ple remain but Tom and Summer are two of them. Tom takes this oppor­tu­ni­ty to put a CD in his com­put­er and play the song real­ly loud. It’s “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” by The Smiths. No reac­tion from Summer. Tom turns it up. Still noth­ing. Tom turns it down, defeat­ed.

From my entry, Good Times For A Change — “Before you start read­ing, play this song. It’s a Deftones cov­er of The Smiths’ song Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want. There have been a few oth­er artists who have done cov­ers too, includ­ing Muse, but only Chino has the kind of raw emo­tion in his voice that match­es Morrisey.”


  • Summer: We’re young. We live in one of the most beau­ti­ful cities in the world. Might as well have fun while we can and save the seri­ous stuff for lat­er.

From my entry, Dead End Guy — [The sec­ond sen­tence]


  • Summer: I just wan­na tell you that, um, I’m not real­ly look­ing for anything…serious. Is that okay?
  • Tom: Yeah.
  • Summer: ‘Cause some peo­ple kind of freak out when they hear that.
  • Tom: No, not me.

From my entry, Lye and Vinegar — “I was told it was over before it start­ed…”


Lysergic bliss

(Yep, that’s a car­toon bird on his shoul­der.)

It’s the great­est morn­ing of all time! Tom walks down the street. Or, more accu­rate­ly, Tom struts down the street. He’s point­ing at peo­ple as he pass­es, wink­ing, doing a lit­tle shuf­fle. He is the man.

From my entry, Lysergic Bliss — “There’s a ten­der­ness that reach­es deep with­in me, and bur­geons forth to paint the world an intox­i­cat­ing spec­trum. It’s a world where every song is a jour­ney, every chord is more dul­cet than the last, and I don’t want to, I need to dance.”


  • Tom: Yeah. Guys, look, Summer and I…we know how we feel. We don’t need to label it. “Boyfriend, girl­friend.” That stuff is very… juve­nile.

From my entry, She Treads Softly — “So I told her not to hold any­thing back, because there’s noth­ing she can do, no bound­aries we can define, to make me love her any less.”


There’s some­thing about this moment, the way she sings along, the way her eyes close dur­ing cer­tain notes, the way her smile ris­es and falls like she could cry at any minute from being over­whelm­ing­ly hap­py or just sim­ply over­whelmed. Tom is pow­er­less to stop his feel­ings for this girl.

Be Still My Heart — “Not that I let myself fall for her. My heart nev­er gave me a choice.”


  • Tom: I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. l love this heart-shaped birth­mark she has on her neck. I love the way she some­times licks her lips before she talks. l love the sound of her laugh. l love the way she looks when she’s sleep­ing.

From my entry, What I Mean To Say —“The way she wore her hair dif­fer­ent­ly every time I saw her. The way her cheeks would round so endear­ing­ly when she tru­ly laughed. The way she could look beau­ti­ful wear­ing dress­es, or jeans, or my old paja­mas. The way the tan­ta­liz­ing gold­en down trav­eled along her low­er back.”

  • Tom: I love how she makes me feel. Like anything’s pos­si­ble. Like, I don’t know…like life is worth it.

From my entry, Be Still My Heart — “It’s the way she makes me hap­py with­out try­ing. The way I’m filled with ten­der­ness every time I feel the warmth of her skin against mine. The way her exis­tence gives me hope for the rest of the world.”


  • Tom: This is not how you treat your friend. Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends, my balls!

From my entry, Unimportance and Mixed Signals — “…she said she nev­er want­ed a rela­tion­ship with me, yet we end­ed up doing every­thing involved in a rela­tion­ship, with­out any sol­id com­mit­ment on her end.” I’d say that the out­burst Tom has, I nev­er had. They were more implo­sions, a suck­ing in of my chest from the inside, where I’m left with a feel­ing of void.

  • Tom: Look, we don’t have to put a label on it. That’s fine. I get it. But, you know, I just—I need some con­sis­ten­cy.

From my entry, The End of the Affair — “I could nev­er expect any­thing from her, the way I could expect things from a girl­friend. Never get upset at her for not stay­ing the night, or not spend­ing enough time with me. Every time we were togeth­er, I would won­der what her mood was and what lev­el we were at for that par­tic­u­lar day because it would change con­stant­ly.”



In close-up, Tom goes to hold Summer’s hand. But some­thing hap­pens. It could be a total coin­ci­dence, but just as his hand approach­es hers (in slow-motion), she moves it away and keeps it at her side. Tom puts his hands in his pock­ets, unsure if there’s some­thing to read in that.

From my entry, Pygmalion — “This ivory in my bed stares straight ahead when I kiss her…But this stone doesn’t smooth with wear, it crum­bles and falls away.”

  • Summer: I think we should stop see­ing each oth­er. I mean, this thing, what are we doing? Is this nor­mal?
  • Tom: Norm… I… I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m hap­py. Aren’t you hap­py?
  • Summer: You’re hap­py?
  • Tom: You’re not?
  • Summer: All we do is argue.

From my entry, Follow Up — “…she didn’t like the con­flicts we’d have, which she saw as a sign that we were incom­pat­i­ble”

  • Tom: I don’t want to get over her. I want to get her back.

From my entry, Difficult Acceptance — “And yet, know­ing this doesn’t make me feel any bet­ter, because it’s her that I want.”



From my entry, The Song Will Be Mine — “I start­ed doing this because none of my music is sacred any­more — every time I hear an old favourite, there’s a mem­o­ry that’s asso­ci­at­ed with it”.

Also from my entry, Hide And Seek — “I let her in, I shared with her so many chords that stir up emo­tion in me, I ren­dered myself vul­ner­a­ble, and now I can’t lis­ten to some of them with­out think­ing of her. It seems unfair that I gave her so much, that I sac­ri­ficed things I hold so dear and sacred in my heart, with noth­ing to show for it.”


  • Tom: You know, on the one hand, I want to for­get her. On the oth­er hand, I know that she’s the only per­son in the entire uni­verse that will make me hap­py.

From my entry, A Step Forward — “For a while now, peo­ple have been try­ing to set me up…My habit­u­al dis­in­ter­est came from the belief that no one could com­pare to the muse.”

  • Tom: So now I keep going through every day in my mind, every sec­ond real­ly. Wondering. What went wrong? Is it my fault? Could I have pre­vent­ed it some­how?

From my entry, Not A Chance — “Without know­ing whether or not it would have worked out had she giv­en me the oppor­tu­ni­ty, I feel like I’ll always be left won­der­ing.”

  • Tom: I can’t get her out of my head, you know? I see her every­where. She’s all I think about. And it’s hor­ri­ble.

From my entry, Reminders of Love and Loss — “The truth is that it felt so right for so long, and it was won­der­ful when it worked. Which is why I still think of her when I close my eyes, and let my guard down.”


(Expectations vs Reality)

Tom walked to her apart­ment, intox­i­cat­ed by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time his expec­ta­tions would align with real­i­ty.

This was, by far, the most painful part of the movie, the one that res­onat­ed the most deeply, the scene that broke the streak. I’m glad they accom­plished it so well in split-screen. Even though I lived through this dozens of times, I was nev­er a good enough writer to put these feel­ings in words, and the clos­est was from my entry, Reminders of Love and Loss — “…she behaved with such detached indif­fer­ence the last time she came over, when I was tear­ing my heart out try­ing not to grab and embrace her.”


  • Tom: It’s…It’s these cards, and the movies, and the pop songs…They’re to blame for all the lies…and the heartache, every­thing.

From my entry, There Is No Such Thing As Love — “Hollywood would have us believe that love exists…But love doesn’t exist in real life, as much as I want to believe that it does.” Damn. I think it’s safe to say I knew exact­ly how Tom felt when he flipped out in that meet­ing.


And while I wish I could say that my end­ing was as clean as the one in the movie, it was­n’t. Instead of peace­ful denoue­ment, it dragged on for months, and that’s where the sto­ries diverge. Things got com­pli­cat­ed, messy, much more painful than they should have been, and I’m left stuck on (499).

  1. Or is it? []
  2. Ironically, the gen­der roles are reversed, and it’s Tom’s date who’s the voice of rea­son here. []


  1. Damn not only do I feel bad for rec­om­mend­ing the movie, but for pres­sur­ing you into watch­ing it.. asap too!! Haha… But I real­ly thought you might have watched the movie before I asked, or at least heard of it, because I remem­ber read­ing one of your entries where some­body left the com­ment: “This reminds me of 500 days of sum­mer…” and you respond­ed with some­thing like: “I nev­er heard of it, but a lot of peo­ple tell me that the stuff I write is in some roman­tic movie that I’ve nev­er seen”

    One major thing that I real­ized about the movie is that the view­er is only giv­en Tom’s per­spec­tive on the sit­u­a­tion and we’re left with a big ques­tion mark at the end as to why Summer didn’t want to be with Tom, or didn’t feel the same way he did. We are told that it’s because Summer was always uncer­tain of her feel­ings toward Tom, but the real­i­ty is that this is the writer’s inter­pre­ta­tion of why Summer (The writer’s real-life girl) left and in the end we are left with no true answers and no real clo­sure except the writer’s/Tom’s per­spec­tive. Just like in real life with you! Maybe this is why you are a bit emo­tion­al­ly con­flict­ed with the movie.. Because although the empa­thy is nice, the film leaves you with no real answers or clo­sure.. some­thing that would have been a nice to toss around in your head or at least con­sid­er-assum­ing it would have been pos­i­tive:)

    So what do you think the mes­sage of the movie is? That there is no such thing as love? That there is no such thing as “the one”? That “Just ’cause some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soul mate…” Does “the one” only exist when feel­ings are mutu­al-when both peo­ple agree that each oth­er is “the one”? If Summer chose to stay with Tom, would Tom have lived the rest of his life under the illu­sion that she is “the one” and con­tin­ue to love her like she is “the one”? When there is some­body out there much bet­ter suit­ed for him?

    I per­son­al­ly believe in “the one”.. that some­where on this earth, there is one per­son that is more suit­ed for you than every­body else… will I ever meet this per­son? Probably not in this life­time… maybe they’re 12 years old? 75? Living in Australia? Dead? Who knows.. But anoth­er thing I believe is that if you were to take a rank­ing of all the peo­ple on earth, in order of com­pat­i­bil­i­ty with you (“the one” being first on the list), I bet a hand­ful of the peo­ple you have met, will meet, or can meet in your life­time will fall above the 80th per­centile… which is to say that the love and hap­pi­ness you will expe­ri­ence with this per­son will pret­ty much be indif­fer­en­tiable… its like hav­ing $1 bil­lion instead of $2 bil­lion.. you know what I mean?

    Anyways.. I’m com­plete­ly ram­bling here but you know what has been putting a huge smile on my face late­ly? Knowing that I am an amaz­ing man. That any woman will be lucky to have me as a lover because I am a great lover. That I am a tru­ly hon­est, gen­uine, accept­ing, under­stand­ing and expres­sive man. That my capac­i­ty for love is huge. That I am will­ing to work. That I am will­ing to com­pro­mise. That the one I choose to give my love to will be treat­ed like noth­ing less than a queen. That noth­ing else will mat­ter to me but her hap­pi­ness. And this is EXACTLY the type of man you are… a great, great lover, a roman­tic, a gen­tle­man.. wake up man!! You’re a fuck­ing big fish! I know you know this about your­self too… The belief may be fleet­ing, but its defi­nate­ly there.. so what’s there to be scared about? And I bet every vis­i­tor, whether reg­u­lar or not, that reads what you write and sees the pho­tos you take would agree with me.. Doesn’t your aware­ness of your capac­i­ty for love give you some kind of faith or hope for the future? When I think of how great of a lover I can be, it feels like it would be so unjust for me not to find some­body to love…And for some­body like you, there’s no way your “roman­tic aura” (cant think of bet­ter words to describe lol) does­nt nat­u­ral­ly attract women… Your pre­vi­ous dry spells have ALWAYS end­ed.. so why would it be dif­fer­ent now? What was so spe­cial about Summer in that movie any­ways? I hon­est­ly don’t think she was por­trayed as any­thing spe­cial in the movie… She was cute and had decent taste in music? That’s all I remember…It’s Tom who’s the hero of that story…Summer was just anoth­er girl.. But I digress…since my break up, when I imag­ine “the one” or the idea of lov­ing a woman, in my head, I’ve always pic­tured Arjmand… But now when I think of this “the­o­ret­i­cal” woman in my head, I think of the future (the real future-what has yet come to pass). I think of the woman that I will ulti­mate­ly choose to be with for the rest of my life.. the woman that I will want to give all my love to for the rest of my life… and this woman exits today, I just don’t know who she is yet… It’s like my future self talk­ing to me in my head say­ing.. ‘relax… you’ll be here one day.. you’ll be hap­py… you’ll have found some­one spe­cial… just take things more light­ly for now…relax’ And this always leaves me won­der­ing what ‘she’ is doing right now.. What she looks like.. Is she com­ing out of a rela­tion­ship now too? Is she as lost in life as I am too right now? and a smile cross­es my face when I real­ize that one day we will be togeth­er.. just not right now.. and I find enor­mous com­fort in this… I hope you can too.. Just have a lit­tle faith;)

    Love you man!!


    • Hah, don’t feel bad about it. I feel con­flict­ed about see­ing it, like I just sur­vived a hor­rif­ic plane crash; shak­en from what I went through, and hap­py just to be alive at the same time. Overall, watch­ing the movie has prob­a­bly helped me get over things. It’s tremen­dous­ly reliev­ing to know that my sit­u­a­tion isn’t unique. It hap­pened to some­one else much, much ear­li­er than me, and I take com­fort in the fact that I was­n’t the only per­son to react this way to the same sit­u­a­tion.

      I actu­al­ly remem­bered say­ing that com­ment, but did­n’t remem­ber Jason’s com­ment about the movie. I had to go back to make sure it was there. I even said I’d down­load the movie that weekend…I feel like such a liar.

      I think the mes­sage of the movie is that life goes on, it’s just chap­ters that end and not the book. The direc­tor said, “In Tom’s eyes, Summer is per­fec­tion, but per­fec­tion has no depth. Summer’s not a girl, she’s a phase.” Those last two sen­tences are what stand out to me; that it’s just a phase, and phas­es end. You touched on this exact­ly when you asked, “What was so spe­cial about Summer in that movie any­ways?” The dif­fer­ence is that in my case, I knew exact­ly what was so spe­cial about my muse. I could define it very well, and I thought it was per­fect in that it was imper­fect. I think they could have devel­oped the Summer char­ac­ter more and giv­en her the same depth that my muse had, but it would­n’t have fit into a mar­ketable movie.

      I think the only clo­sure to be had was in Summer’s expla­na­tion of how she felt some­thing for her hus­band that she was nev­er sure of with Tom. You can’t real­ly explain feel­ings, like why you love or don’t love some­one. It would be as hard as explain­ing why you like straw­ber­ry ice cream but not choco­late. So I guess that was enough of an expla­na­tion for me, and Tom too. It has to be, any­way.

      I com­plete­ly agree with your soul mate anal­o­gy, minus the soul mates. :) The $1 bil­lion vs $2 bil­lion exam­ple is per­fect, because there can always be some­one more com­pat­i­ble or bet­ter for you, and you could spend your entire life sec­ond guess­ing your­self and who you’re with, or you could just be hap­py and appre­ci­ate what you have. I’d def­i­nite­ly choose the lat­ter.

      My own inse­cu­ri­ty comes from some­thing I’m not able to talk about here…out of sheer embar­rass­ment. I’ll prob­a­bly have to explain it to you pri­vate­ly. But as for your com­ment “Doesn’t your aware­ness of your capac­i­ty for love give you some kind of faith or hope for the future?”…if it were true that I’m so spe­cial, I would be mar­ried by now. But I’m not mar­ried, which means it’s nev­er as sim­ple as being a good guy. My faith or hope is kept in check by the fact that there are so many oth­er fac­tors involved that are out of my con­trol. Unrequited love is just one of them.

      To be hon­est, part of me does­n’t mind these feel­ings, or all the com­pli­ca­tions of dat­ing. The adven­ture, ner­vous­ness, uncer­tain­ty — it’s still excit­ing. And I tell myself that when I’m mar­ried to the same per­son for 40 years, a part of me may miss that, so I appre­ci­ate them while I’m in the mid­dle of it now.

      Your moti­va­tion is great. It’s true that my dry spells have end­ed, and I’ve got­ten over peo­ple. It’s tak­en a lot of time, but I’ve done it. Out of all my friends, you’re the only one keep­ing me afloat. I always think of your words when I lose per­spec­tive. I even have cam­era pic­tures of our chats from when we’re play­ing Warcraft that I look at every now and then. It’s pure­ly the zeal you use to explain these things that make me tru­ly believe in myself.

      Thank you so much.

  2. Oh my God… I’m impressed. I’ve just read your one arti­cle about mem­o­ry by chance when search­ing for dis­ad­van­tages of a good mem­o­ry in the Internet. Now, I want to read EVERYTHING what you’ve writ­ten on this site :) But before that, I only would like to thank for what you’ve writ­ten. Now I final­ly found a per­son who had the idea how write some­thing in so intel­li­gent way.
    Thank you. This was a very for­tu­nate acci­dent.
    And by the way, I real­ly liked ‘500 days of sum­mer’ but for me the end­ing is too sim­ple. I’ve expect­ed some­thing more than just the begin­ning of a new ‘sto­ry’ (for sure a chance for the new LOVE sto­ry).
    I real­ly wish you good luck in keep­ing writ­ing :)

  3. and… after read­ing your whole dis­cus­sion between You, Jeff and your friend — Darren, I came up with one main thought — of course, as Darren wrote, I also believe in that every­one has our soul­mate some­where in the world. but the ques­tion is if we find he or she in the right moment of life? I always thought about it in this way… And, even if we find some­one who we know that could be called ‘the one’ in our life, are we sure is ‘the one’ for­ev­er? I mean, I’m afraid that one day, I’ll wake up and think that maybe I chose a wrong per­son to be my hus­band. Perhaps we weren’t meant to each oth­er? How could I’ll know it?
    There are so many ques­tions… In con­clu­sion, in my opin­ion bet­ter is not to look for some­one ‘per­fect’ or ‘the one’ through our whole life, but enjoy a moment and love you share with some­one else, who is close to you RIGHT NOW. Of course, I wish every­one to find soul­mate, but I’m not sure if the life real­ly depends only on ‘find­ing’, but first of all depends on ‘look­ing’.

    • I nev­er con­sid­ered the per­spec­tive that a soul mate may only be a soul mate in a par­tic­u­lar phase of one’s life. But I guess my belief is that a soul mate would accept any changes in one­self. Cool point.

  4. This entry will undoubt­ed­ly be remem­bered as one of my favourites not only because I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you’ve writ­ten (as usu­al) and also because of how much thought you’ve put into it and detailed it is in draw­ing the par­al­lels between the movie and your own life.

    Your com­par­i­son explain­ing why you love or don’t love some­one to straw­ber­ry and choco­late ice cream is a great exam­ple and def­i­nite­ly one I’ll be shar­ing with friends and young stu­dents who I work with should they face a sim­i­lar sit­u­a­tion.

    • I have to admit that I was sur­prised at how so many details in the film were so sim­i­lar to mine, right down to the same song Tom and I both played.

      The only rea­son why I was able to come up with the ice cream exam­ple is because I’ve been on the oth­er side of the rela­tion­ship, where every­thing “made sense” for me to be attract­ed to some­one, but it did­n’t click in my heart. It’s helped me accept things, but it’s still not easy!

  5. Yes, Darren. We keep telling him he’s a fuck­ing god­dam big fish! It’ll sink in some­time. ; )

    • Heh, thanks. But it’s not me who should believe that. :)

      • True, we need to con­vince a per­fect woman of that.… BTW I saw the film last night. Holy crap!!! That total­ly IS your recent many months.….It’s freak­ish­ly close.

      • Scary, eh? And it came out before mine was over. Otherwise, I’d accuse them of pla­gia­riz­ing!

  6. Hi,actualliy I’ve just look­ing for some WPthemes for my blog and then I saw the pic­tures of movie.
    Yes, the movie was impressed .I saw the enter­nal sun­shine too,but that was more from the Man per­spec­tive. and I like sum­mer more,cause such girl like sum­mer is rarely to be meet. I mean , she may hurt some­bodys heart,but when man think of the time with her , he prob­a­bly say,that she always the one of his life. She already changed his life.
    I’m a sum­mer girl. still look­ing for the last.

  7. Perfect Article.

  8. Four years on, how are you feel­ing now?

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