Posts tagged with "understanding"

terminal velocity

The journey lasts an hour, by turns moving and bittersweet, a mixtape without a name that’s possibly the most thoughtful collection of music anyone has ever given to me. It’s the addiction I’ve been waiting for. Proof that I can still be understood when a feeling is shared if not a history.

Yet new songs on repeat don’t define this moment, cause I can’t tell when one moment ends and the next begins anymore. There’s no sense of permanence in anything. I don’t know whether to be scared or relieved to know that everything will inevitably change.

view of Mississauga, Ontario

Shawn thinks I’m plummeting towards rock bottom cause I need to prove to myself that I can pull myself out. The idea was on the very tip of my consciousness, and it’s getting harder to deny how right he is. I’ve always been a person who needs to explore the limits of the possible. I just wonder whether I’ll survive the fall.

a million distractions to keep me warm

Two hours later, I woke up without any sense of direction.

Now I’m trying to figure out how to stay awake so I can be tired enough to fall asleep again. The fatigue isn’t enough to keep me down. I had a big breakfast, something I haven’t done in as long as I can remember, owing to the fact that they used to be the ritual of a person with weekends and a need for rituals.

At some point along the way, I realized it’s easier to take care of my friends and help them fix their problems. I can’t figure out why I’ve avoided dealing with my own, but I decided that as long as my distractions are fulfilling and healthy in themselves, there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, there’s nothing else one can do.

In turn, they’re helping me through this odd passage of time, where I find myself unsure of what to do or feel. I’ve had to open myself up to give them a chance to help me. It always leaves me vulnerable at first, but when they listen and understand and support me, all my insecurities go away. It’s a tangible love that goes far beyond words and intentions.

A Different Kind of Understanding

The doctor told us she has another 5–6 months. Her colon is so enlarged from the tumor that it’s thicker than her spine, and the procedure was just a temporary solution to prevent further blockages.

How strange it is to “know” how much time there is left. I guess that’s why they call it a deadline. I had already assumed that this would going to be the last time I could see her, but that won’t make it any easier when I have to leave.

I’m grateful to the people who have been sending me their regards. It’s a nice comfort. One of the best pieces of advice came from Charlotte, who told me to “not leave anything at all unsaid to her…leave no questions unanswered, and to not withhold any affection you feel for her”.

I had come to Hong Kong with the intention of telling my grandma how important she was to me. Finding the right words in Chinese to express exactly what I wanted to say.

But trying to speak with her has made me realize that she doesn’t care about any of that. She’s a very practical woman, almost to the point of tactlessness. For almost her entire life, married at 14 and as a single parent of seven kids, she’s had no time for words or feelings.

I’m here, and that’s how she understands how I feel.

The Fault of Misunderstanding

There’s a riddle that goes:

Two chimney sweepers are working in a chimney when one loses his footing and causes both to fall into the fireplace. One ends up with a black, sooty face, while the other is lucky and stays clean. Both look at each other in astonishment after the surprising fall. The one with the clean face goes to the bathroom to wash his face, while the other continues working with his darkened complexion. Logically explain the actions of the two sweepers.

The answer is simple. The one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face, and assumes that his face is clean as well. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face, assumes the opposite, and washes up.

And even though I know the answer to the riddle, sometimes I forget that such confusion exists. For example, if I had a car, I’d be giving people rides to Tremblent. And since I’d be going there myself, I wouldn’t ask people for gas money. Other people, however, see the car ride as part of the cost of going there, and will plan on splitting the cost of gas when organizing the trip. Both ideals are fine, but I prefer to not ask people for money if I’m not going out of my way to do something.

And, being the ignorant idiot that I am, I will sometimes forget that others are not like me, that others assume that gas money will be split. Perhaps it can be said that I’m as much at fault as others who assume the opposite, but that doesn’t really matter to me. The best solution, in such cases, is that an understanding be reached when things are planned.

An example like this, which has been taken from personal experience, can be related so many other things in life. That just means that I need to work harder at being considerate of how others think.

Because some would rather be angry than understanding.

Wavelength

It’s so hard to witness someone being made fun of, simply because they’re misunderstood. I get flustered and bite my lip, because trying to defend them never does a thing. I also get either angry or sad, depending on whether or not I know the person who’s doing the mocking. In my experience, someone who’s so quick to come to a conclusion will refuse to see things another way. They have enough preconceived notions to keep themselves ignorant and secure.

Perhaps I’m like this because I can relate to what it’s like to be misunderstood. As an experiment in one of my English classes, I wrote an extremely graphic story about a necrophiliac doctor who ends up getting raped up the ass, and presented it. I wanted to show that the intentions of an artist are irrelevant if he or she is misunderstood, because others will continue to carelessly judge them. The more oddly my classmates stared at me while I was presenting, without trying to grasp what I was trying to do, the more I felt like my point was proved.

The thing is, someone is usually misunderstood because they don’t explain themselves well. A person can be extremely provocative, controversial, or complex, but as long as others see what they’re trying to get across then everything is fine. Of course, it’s much easier said than done, and someone is most often misunderstood because their ideas are harder to grasp. In addition to this, I find that the eccentricity related to a person with such ideas clouds their perceptions as to what they believe others are capable of comprehending.

Sometimes, I wish the world could see what I see.