Posts tagged with "understanding"

Patchwork Mindset: Part 1

I haven’t seen Pat in more than two months. We’re try­ing to sched­ule some­thing for March, and by that time it’ll be an entire quar­ter year since we’ve hung out. I’ve come a long way since I last saw him, in terms of mind­set, and he’s prob­a­bly the only one who total­ly under­stands how grave­ly impor­tant that is to me. It’s too bad that my oth­er close friends don’t com­plete­ly under­stand me, although it’s no fault of their own and I don’t hold it against them.

It takes pain to under­stand pain, and Pat is the one who’s had the most sim­i­lar expe­ri­ences. If there was one per­son in this world who has me fig­ured out, it’s him. It used to feel as though he would have to come to my lev­el to talk to me, to under­stand what I was going through, to give me guid­ance and sup­port.

Now it feels as if I’ve come to his lev­el, and I under­stand his atti­tude, moti­va­tions, and world­view much bet­ter as a result of this. He admit­ted that he always won­dered when I’d get there, and he’s curi­ous if he’ll notice a change the next time he sees me.

I see all the influ­ences that change me as adding more to my mind, anoth­er piece to the quilt.

Keeping every piece becomes as impor­tant as gain­ing more.

Go

It’s dif­fi­cult for me to imag­ine being done school, that I can start liv­ing as a free per­son. I’ve been in school for so long that I begin to expect anoth­er term in the near future. Yet I’m done (as long as I did­n’t fail any­thing) and I have a great deal of options. But what would I real­ly want to do with my life? A uni­ver­si­ty diplo­ma will only help me get a tiny part of what I want to achieve.

Odd that I live so day-to-day, yet have a few goals planned for decades in advance. Even if I haven’t achieved a sin­gle goal by the time I die, I’ll feel decent­ly sat­is­fied. I enjoy being able to appre­ci­ate every­thing I do each day. A great deal of think­ing needs to be done before I keep going. And while the future seems uncer­tain, while the world seems to be turned upside down, I feel com­fort­ed.

It’s under­stand­ing and real­iza­tion that bind my world togeth­er, that bring mean­ing to any­thing I do.

I Need To Tell You

I won­der if I come off as a per­son with emo­tion­al bag­gage. One of the (very few) things that I pride myself in is my “self-aware­ness”, the abil­i­ty to see myself objec­tive­ly, but this is a char­ac­ter­is­tic that I am unable to deter­mine with­in myself. Has my past made me a per­son of fright­en­ing, unper­son­able dis­po­si­tion? Do peo­ple think of me as some­one with deep root­ed emo­tion­al issues?

I won­der if my his­to­ry even mat­ters to oth­ers. I real­ize that it’s when I let my his­to­ry inter­fere with or affect my rela­tion­ships that it becomes a prob­lem. I’m afraid, how­ev­er, that I let things become affect­ed more than I’d like, more than I under­stand.

The past is some­thing that I rec­og­nize as being sig­nif­i­cant, and I try to keep it only as that. It is some­thing that I learn from, some­thing which can affect me and my deci­sions today, but not some­thing that I should present­ly be deal­ing with.

So, is it?

Well, I’m not com­plete­ly sure. On a night like tonight, when the mid­night sky burns bright enough to illu­mi­nate my room, I can’t help but feel unheard, unheard in some­thing I wish to express. What becomes this need to be under­stood?

It’s a voice I wish to have, to bring me clo­sure, to let me be free.

It has tak­en me three hours to write this final thought, along with the resur­fac­ing of many dis­tract­ing mem­o­ries. Things still feel unre­solved, of course, but I have suf­fi­cient­ly quelled my mood until there is a more appro­pri­ate time to express myself.

When I see you again, you will under­stand what I’ve become, and what you’ve done to make me this way.