I take care of this moment by taking care of myself. That means nourishing my sense of well-being by spending time with people who:
- connect with me on an intimate level
- give me their full attention and command mine at the same time
- understand and validate what I’m going through
Normally, the goal is to use the positive experiences from these relationships to buffer my emotional resilience when things get rough, but right now I’m just trying to get to the point most people consider normal.
It helps when people make me things like this. I had a Google search box as my browser start page for as long as I can remember, until presented with this board full of happiness, where every update is relevant to my interests. Tiana and Genevieve secretly collected cats for months before giving it to me just because, and somehow there were 91 followers before I even made a Pinterest account to follow this namesake board. These are people who truly understand me, and make me feel connected even when I’m not with them. This is what I need more of in my life.
We’ll get there someday, cuz.
I’ve also been reaching into my past and searching for closure, whether that means giving or receiving forgiveness. It’s humbling to own up to my role in someone’s pain without making excuses or laying blame to protect my pride, but being able to do so has given me more amour de soi. Mistakes will be made on my journey, but it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, and it won’t stop me from becoming better.
Seeking resolution doesn’t always end well though. I’m trying to understand each response as a message about the true nature of someone’s role in my life, without being caught up in anger. It’s so much easier to forgive or accept someone when I start to understand their reality, even if they’ve hurt me rather undeservingly. I finally feel like I’m getting a handle on my interactions with people, instead of constantly being at the whim of their behaviour.
It’s been a period of such tremendous growth in myself and development in my relationships that it feels like I’ve been given a reprieve. I’ve been working on all the little things I said I’d take care of when I was better, one day at a time. Just knowing that I’m improving in some small way is often enough to keep me going by itself.
I still occasionally get caught up on the idea that I need to be perfect before starting down a new path, but Lisa always reminds me that the person I am already isn’t so bad. Growing is a gradual and lifelong process. I can do the best with the person I am, and that’ll always be good enough.
I awoke after five minutes — or five seconds — to a changed world. For a moment, I was free of feeling…love, hate, jealousy. And it all felt like happiness.
—Maurice Bendrix, The End of the Affair
A fog hangs low in the streets, illuminated by the indirect rays of an unrisen sun, leaving everything was awash in grey instead of white.
The seasons are changing. Winter is officially over. It never recovers from a day like this, when the inevitability of spring can be felt on your skin, as tangible as any snowflake or raindrop. This is when I can look forward to sleeping with the windows open again, a ritual made only sweeter by it’s ephemerality.
And with that moist smell heavy in the air, I forget all else.
Don’t have much to say lately. Sometimes I get stuck at the title.
I’ve been holding off on starting various classes cause I’m not quite into my regular pace of life. I’m still riding the crests of over-stimulation from my trip, not yet ready to be routinely seeing people. Consequently, this means I lose sense of time, weekly classes once being my anchor points for certain days of the week.
I always look forward to grey and dreary days, when it’s the perfect excuse to stay inside and just tinker on the guitar.
I never feel lonely anymore. I’m too comfy in the house, too occupied with this sense of hedonism, too busy pouring myself into my projects, too spoiled by life I’m living, too blessed by the cards I was dealt. Sometimes I end up parking my car at a strange angle one could never hope to replicate, and I’m sure this is how my neighbours can tell I haven’t been out in more than a week.
The Hintonburger: a six ounce handmade local beef patty with bacon, cheese, signature barbeque sauce, and fuck yeah.
All I ever wanted was a little bit of peace. Now that I’ve found it, I’ve stopped thinking about the future. Right now is good enough.
So the great affair is over but whoever would have guessed
It would leave us all so vacant and so deeply unimpressed
On a sleepless night in Paris, I came upon the sudden realization that the last thing I should be thinking of was a person I hadn’t spoken to in more than half a year.
It brought to mind something Jason told me once, about a policy his life-coach has for his sessions (which are very forward-focused): if you bring up something negative from the past three times, the life-coach would end the working relationship cause it’s in indication that you’re holding on to something that keeps you from moving forward.
So there’s three things you can do:
- change the situation
- change yourself
- nothing (which implies that you stop bringing it up, because you’re not doing anything to improve the situation)
For so long, hope meant that I’d been trying to change the situation. And when I finally, finally, finally understood the futility of it all, I knew I had to change myself, and come to terms with what I didn’t seem capable of accepting. Being in another country, surrounded by an indulgent, hedonistic culture and filled to the brim with happiness, was exactly what I needed to galvanize myself into that change, and end things on my terms.
I’ve been settling back into my regular life, and I don’t feel much of anything now, except free. Like I’m finally in control, above water, instead of treading it.
It’s been a good weekend, full of resolution and epiphanies and hugs and delectable food and wonderful surprises.
I’m running on autopilot again. Sleeping well and feeling good. It still hasn’t sunk in that I’ll be in France in less than a month. There are so many projects I’ve put off until I get back.
Continue reading “skies they opened up for us”…