the art of longing’s over

So the great affair is over but whoever would have guessed
It would leave us all so vacant and so deeply unimpressed

On a sleepless night in Paris, I came upon the sudden realization that the last thing I should be thinking of was a person I hadn’t spoken to in more than half a year.

It brought to mind something Jason told me once, about a policy his life-coach has for his sessions (which are very forward-focused): if you bring up something negative from the past three times, the life-coach would end the working relationship cause it’s in indication that you’re holding on to something that keeps you from moving forward.

So there’s three things you can do:

  • change the situation
  • change yourself
  • nothing (which implies that you stop bringing it up, because you’re not doing anything to improve the situation)

For so long, hope meant that I’d been trying to change the situation. And when I finally, finally, finally understood the futility of it all, I knew I had to change myself, and come to terms with what I didn’t seem capable of accepting. Being in another country, surrounded by an indulgent, hedonistic culture and filled to the brim with happiness, was exactly what I needed to galvanize myself into that change, and end things on my terms.

I’ve been settling back into my regular life, and I don’t feel much of anything now, except free. Like I’m finally in control, above water, instead of treading it.

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