Posts tagged with "happiness"

Bachelor

Megalomania is watch­ing a man with a brain in a jar court a woman who laughs like a mule, and believ­ing that it’s the sto­ry of one’s life. Weakness is los­ing a thought to a pret­ty face. Concupiscence is the inter­pre­ta­tion of awk­ward rough­hous­ing as a pre­lude to fuck­ing. Jealousy is won­der­ing why one nev­er had the same oppor­tu­ni­ty, and accep­tance is real­iz­ing that one did.

In the end, it’s not the sit­u­a­tions we relate to, it’s the hope­less­ness of being stuck with the deci­sions we make. Of being caught between the risk of set­tling, and the fear of not doing any bet­ter.

Happiness is free­dom from both.

A Favour House Mine

We were at the house late last night, build­ing desks and fill­ing dry­wall holes. I decid­ed not to sleep in this morn­ing, because I need­ed the time to get work done, although I also need­ed sleep to get it done prop­er­ly. There are mailouts to com­plete, state­ment stuffers to design, bitmaps to vec­tor­ize, and count­less oth­er things for which I’m respon­si­ble. I con­vinced myself that I’ve (begrudg­ing­ly) gone through enough tor­tur­ing days of lit­tle sleep for some­one else, so it would be more appro­pri­ate if I did it for myself now.

Stepping out­side, the chill of win­ter morn­ing still in the air against the ear­ly light of spring, I skipped nine tracks until Claudio start­ed singing, in his shift­ing, melod­ic voice:

Bye bye beau­ti­ful
Don’t both­er to write

My lethar­gy turned into ener­gy, as I thought of how things have worked out based on the deci­sions I made. How I could die hap­py right now, although I’d pre­fer to wait at least two weeks if giv­en the choice.

The way I seem to have every­thing I deserve, and noth­ing that I don’t.

The Inherent Risks Of Happiness

There is a risk, there’s a risk when your deal­ing with love
You could snap my neck
Any speed you dri­ve can be dan­ger­ous
When this frame fails me
Will I trust you to car­ry me through?
I know there’s no such thing as safe­ty
But I know what a promise can do

—Trust, Thrice

I’ve alway been one to put a lit­tle too much faith into peo­ple. Although this often ends up hurt­ing the par­ties involved, myself includ­ed, I’ve always felt like it was worth it. I’d rather give some­one the ben­e­fit of the doubt, and per­haps this is why I end up being let down so much (____ would add that my intol­er­ance is par­tial­ly to blame). Some peo­ple don’t like to take that risk and need oth­ers to make the first step, need oth­ers to make that leap of faith. I know, because in some cas­es, I used to be one of them. One may hold back until they know that the oth­er per­son has as much at risk as they do. It’s the eas­i­est way to not get hurt.

There’s always one per­son who has to make that first step, to lay every­thing on the line. It’s one per­son who has to be the first to go for a kiss, the first to say, “I love you”, with­out know­ing what the oth­er per­son will say in return. It makes it eas­i­er, of course, if one can under­stand or accept the fact that there are risks involved in any sort of rela­tion­ship, that not every­thing will go the “right” way.

But that’s what life is about. That’s what love is about. Nothing is worth it if you don’t put your­self out there.

There’s a Simon and Garfunkle song that goes, “The roller coast­er ride we took is near­ly at an end / I bought my tick­et with my tears, that’s all I’m gonna spend”. When Paul Simon penned those lyrics, in the man­ner which he plays with words and rhymes to cre­ate his beau­ti­ful, renowned lyri­cal vers­es, he should have writ­ten, “That’s all I need to spend”. There’s absolute­ly noth­ing more that one can give.

Tears are a small price to pay for a chance at hap­pi­ness.

Control

With change comes the need for con­trol.

And with emo­tions run­ning through me in an almost uncon­tain­able, effu­sive man­ner, that need for con­trol has nev­er been more nec­es­sary.

Usually, this comes eas­i­ly. It feels as if I’ve been train­ing my whole life for such a thing, that I’ve spent most of my time work­ing towards becom­ing a cere­bral per­son. Except that in the past, it’s was to edul­co­rate the pain.

Now, it’s to con­trol the hap­pi­ness. The almost inef­fa­ble feel­ing of eupho­ria.

Sometimes, I can bare­ly con­tain the surge of emo­tion, and I have to stop myself from act­ing out, to keep my mind in check. I refuse to be one who acts out of emo­tion. I refuse to be one who’s at the whim of what­ev­er mood I’m in.

I will be stronger than that which has become so impor­tant to me. I will be in con­trol of that which I’ve sought so long to have.

Because bal­ance is more impor­tant than hap­pi­ness.