Turning over and over in the sky, length after length of whiteness unwound over the earth and shrouded it. The blizzard was alone in the world; it had no rival.
When he climbed down from the window sill Yura’s first impulse was to dress, run outside, and start doing something.
—Doctor Zhivago
When one looks outside their window and sees this, this blanket of purity, what else can one feel but serenity, contentment, and hope?
The art of longing’s over, and it’s never coming back.
—Leonard Cohen, Death of a Ladies’ Man
They ask me why I’m crying. I tell them the song is too good, not to cry.
They ask me why there’s a bounce in my step. I tell them I’m in love, and I don’t care.
They ask me if she’s taken. I tell them she is.
They ask me if she knows. I tell them it doesn’t matter as long as I feel this way, and I’m never letting go.
They ask me, “Why her?”.
I tell them she makes me happy without trying.
Yesterday was grocery day.
I looked out the window, and it was raining. “You can’t wait for the perfect opportunity forever”, I told myself, so I grabbed my toque, my hoodie, my jacket, and stepped outside.
The rain wasn’t heavy, but enough to soak through in a couple minutes.
On my way to the store, I thought of putting an ad in the classifieds.
WANTED: RAIN DANCER
Looking for cheerful model to dance in rain for photo project.
Should be slim build. Light-brunette to blond hair, no longer than shoulders. Bring own clothes, short-sleeved with no logo preferred.
Will offer digital negatives for portfolio as compensation.
It was a short walk.
At the deli counter was the regular bunch of hooligans, a group of unmotivated, lackadaisical guys with whom I’ve dealt many times before.
I was about to say something to get their attention when another young man (whom I initially assumed was part of this group, with the same facial hair and the same mug), walked up to greet me.
“Barbecue chicken?”, he asked.
“Please”.
I stood there waiting for less than a moment before he came around the counter with something in his hand.
“Wipe your glasses off with this shit”, he told me, and seeing the beads of rainwater on my glasses, handed me a wad of paper towel. The uncouth manner in which he presented the paper towel made his gesture all the more warm.
Handing me my dinner, he said “Take it easy, bro”, and touched his fingers to his forehead in a mini salute.
The rain stopped before I stepped outside again.
And I haven’t cleaned my glasses, or stopped smiling since.
Yes, I’m up again. Not even, but up.
I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t think straight when lacking sleep. I get very grumpy, and Bronwen knows not to get in my way when that happens (and not to call me “Mr. Grumpykins”). Still, even with enough sleep, I don’t think it would have changed how I was feeling.
So I picked myself up by reading the parables of Chuang Tzŭ1. Though it’s still well beyond my grasp, I’m slowly learning how to achieve utter emptiness and single-minded stillness.
Sometimes I wonder if I sound like a born-again Christian, only with Taoism. One of those people who gets preachy, where everything they say relates to their new-found faith. It’s as if my brain processes everything through a Tao filter, and I see everything in a different way. I try to be conscious of it in conversation, to avoid boring someone who wouldn’t really understand anyway, but I can’t help but write about it here.
Nevertheless, I feel enlightened, though still human2; I’m not sure if I’ll get the rug pulled out from under me again. It’s a strange feeling. In this mindset, it’s as if nothing can stop you. Until something happens.
Part of me wishes I wasn’t feeling this high. That I was more even, like Pat. It’s a balance of emotion that I seek, not the dramatic ups and downs. I’ll be content when I can achieve that.
Hence it is paradoxically said, “Perfect happiness is to be without happiness; the highest praise is to be without praise”.
I was talking to Pat the other day and the subject of my sizable debt came up. Debt used to trouble me. I did everything I could to stay debt-free, and was successful until this year. For some reason though, I stopped caring about money. “You must be really happy”, he said, “if something that big doesn’t bother you anymore”.
It was true, but I never realized it until then. All the good things in life have easily outweighed the bad. There isn’t a single thing that I can point to and explain why, but it’s happened — gradually, progressively — over the course of the last year or so. I’ve become very comfortable with myself. I’m happy with who I am. The confidence I’ve gained, my luck in meeting Bronwen, the resolution of the situation with my mom have all contributed I’m sure. The small things don’t bother me anymore, and almost everything is a small thing. I still lose sight of the big picture every now and then and get in one of my moods, but they don’t last as long as they used to.
Now a new design.
I’ve had my own site since 1996, and looking back on all the different versions (around two dozen in all) I realize that they’ve all been dark — less than 30% grey. I used to be a dark person, and the designs were a reflection of this.
This new design serves two purposes. Metaphorically, the light grey (93%) represents my feeling of mirth. Technically, through various tweaking, I can take advantage of different design elements, such as strong (these were links in the last iteration) and emphasis. I also wanted to go back to the traditional underlined links, with a slight hover flourish. Pixel icons have been updated for extra playfulness. Also added is a colophon in the About section.
Not a complete layout change — really, it’s mostly colour — but probably the most drastic change I’ve ever made to the site.
And it fits perfectly with how I feel.