Yes, I’m up again. Not even, but up.
I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t think straight when lacking sleep. I get very grumpy, and Bronwen knows not to get in my way when that happens (and not to call me “Mr. Grumpykins”). Still, even with enough sleep, I don’t think it would have changed how I was feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if I sound like a born-again Christian, only with Taoism. One of those people who gets preachy, where everything they say relates to their new-found faith. It’s as if my brain processes everything through a Tao filter, and I see everything in a different way. I try to be conscious of it in conversation, to avoid boring someone who wouldn’t really understand anyway, but I can’t help but write about it here.
Nevertheless, I feel enlightened, though still human2; I’m not sure if I’ll get the rug pulled out from under me again. It’s a strange feeling. In this mindset, it’s as if nothing can stop you. Until something happens.
Part of me wishes I wasn’t feeling this high. That I was more even, like Pat. It’s a balance of emotion that I seek, not the dramatic ups and downs. I’ll be content when I can achieve that.
Hence it is paradoxically said, “Perfect happiness is to be without happiness; the highest praise is to be without praise”.
- Dave helped talk some sense into me as well. I think part of my recovery was that our discussion led me to feel as if he’s a kindred spirit. [↩]
- When looking back on this entry, I realized that I wrote about picking myself up twice in one month. I don’t even remember writing it the first time. [↩]