I’ve made peace with this body. It hasn’t been an easy peace to come by, as I seem to get constant reminders about the diminutive size of my stature. Most recently, I met an older Chinese woman who admitted that she thought I looked sick and weak only after she discovered I had colitis. It was as if she thought colitis caused some kind of malnutrition that stunted my growth, and she didn’t want to bring up the fact that I was this size because it would have been too embarrassing unless it was caused by a medical condition.
I’ve been dealing with all kinds of similar comments since I was a kid, so when a girlfriend would say that she liked a particular part or portion of my body, I always thought they were just blinded by love. Eventually I realized that if they could come to love this body, then I could too. It will never look right in anything but slim-fit extra smalls from Mexx. It will never be good enough for my parents. But it will always be who I am, and I’ve learned to accept that.
Those who rule in accordance with Tao do not use force against the world
For that which is forced is likely to return
—Verse 30, Tao Te Ching
I may know better, I may understand what I’m supposed to accept, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Sometimes the world is crashing down around you, and all you can do is watch.
Because you can’t yell at the sky to keep it from falling.
Megalomania is watching a man with a brain in a jar court a woman who laughs like a mule, and believing that it’s the story of one’s life. Weakness is losing a thought to a pretty face. Concupiscence is the interpretation of awkward roughhousing as a prelude to fucking. Jealousy is wondering why one never had the same opportunity, and acceptance is realizing that one did.
In the end, it’s not the situations we relate to, it’s the hopelessness of being stuck with the decisions we make. Of being caught between the risk of settling, and the fear of not doing any better.
Happiness is freedom from both.
I had no idea what I was going to name this entry until I saw Shaolin Soccer again.
I’ve discussed weakness in the past, and how it is frustrating to be a “weak person”. Now I realize that I’ve confused weakness with acceptance, that acceptance is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
It’s not easy to accept something that is imposed. Sometimes it is all that can be done and one must allow a certain discomfort involved to be present. Sometimes accepting is the best solution, even though one may not like it. However, it’s easy to be a weak person. It’s easy to give in, easy to let things go. The difference lies in how much of ourselves we give up and how much we’re willing to give up, and being able to distinguish the two becomes a task based on experience and the people involved.
I believe that I’ve been both weak and accepting in the past. Both are still possible, although I think that I’m more accepting now due to an increase in confidence.
Being able to distinguish the two in myself has become ever harder.