Posts tagged with "D/s lifestyle"

Trinary Maturity: The Girlfriend (or The Lifestyle)

It’s easy for someone to associate an experience with the last memory involved. I’m not without guilt in this issue myself. I’ll admit that the rough patches near the end of my relationship with Loo have come to define the experience a little unfairly. Sometimes I have to remind myself of how much it’s helped and changed me.

In reality, I learned more from my time with Louise than from any previous relationship. This was a person who inspired (and pushed) me to be better, but it wasn’t only her, it was the lifestyle as well.

I try not to have too much responsibility at this stage in my life, so when I do have it I take it seriously. Being a dominant means that responsibility is assumed over another person, another being, another living soul. To be given this responsibility, as a bond of supine trust, provided me a sense of confidence I had never felt before.

And with this trust came a rejuvenated zeal for self-improvement. She was strong herself, so I had to be stronger. If Louise’s contribution was to push, my contribution was to grow. It helped me figure out what I want in the next few stages of my life. I stopped slouching. I started speaking with more authority. I started walking into restaurants first, something I could never do before, for reasons I could never explain. I demanded more out of life.

In the end, it didn’t work out. The dynamic wasn’t right. Unfortunately, I never felt like I was able to completely handle everything until it was actually over. Funny how life works out like that. What I’ve lost is only relevant now.

But what I’ve gained is more important.

The Trinary Maturity Series

  1. Introduction
  2. The Job
  3. The Girlfriend
  4. The House
  5. (In)Conclusion

Cornus Canadensis

Many things to say, but this is the most relevant right now. This also happens to touch on almost every aspect of my life, and I find myself considering things from a gigantic range of angles. Unfortunately, I can only briefly touch on each of them, in an effort to stave digression.

The first and most important goal I’ve ever had was to gain a healthy amount of confidence by the time I was middle-age. This was so that I could enjoy at least half of my life as a strong individual. I set this goal because I realized that I had an unhealthy amount of self-doubt, which contributed to a depressing life and lifestyle, as well as unrealized potential.

This meant fighting off the insecurities that were bred into me, which amounted to most of my childhood. It hasn’t been easy in the last couple of years, but it’s worked. Every six months, I’d realize how much I grew. This time, I realize that I’m there.

I finally feel like I’m in control of my life. I speak to people differently. I think differently. Instead of avoiding conflict, I can meet it head on. For me, this was probably the most difficult thing to do ever imagine doing. I would plan my life around such an avoidance, from my friends to my relationships. I had a conflict phobia, an illogical fear of a specific situation, but I fought against it and won. In psychology, people overcome their phobias by remaining relaxed in the face of their fears (because one cannot mentally be relaxed and scared at the same time). I had the opportunity to do this, by placing myself in uncomfortable situations over the last four months, and approaching them cerebrally at the same time.

I also have to say that a major contributing factor to the success has been going through the D/s lifestyle with Loo. Having a submissive as experienced as she was, placing her trust in me, gave me a significant boost in confidence. She once pointed out to me while watching Secretary, that Edward Grey’s confession to Lee Holloway about previously being shy was a very accurate detail. In Loo’s experience, many put in a dominant position are able to break out of their shells, and I never understood or believed her until now.

So now that I’m here, where do I go? I’ve accomplished the biggest goal in my life, something I’d planned on working on for the next ten years, and it feels like I’ve lost a major part of my reason for living. I feel like an astronaut who dreamed of landing on the moon as a child, only to accomplish the goal and realize that he had never dreamed of anything else.

I suppose I still have the rest of my life to decide.

It's A D/s Life: Life After Loo

I haven’t written about this subject in a while now. I needed to take a break, to distance myself in order to gain some perspective. Now that I’m here, I feel comfortable enough to talk about it again.

But before I go on, a little explanation of my potential bias is needed. I’ve always been one to believe that a single bad experience shouldn’t turn someone away from anything forever. I try to keep this belief in my head when I catch myself associating the D/s lifestyle with pain (ha! get it?) and frustration. The only hands-on experience I have being a dominant was with a person who would repeatedly hurt me and bring me down.

However, I don’t believe that this was a conscious characteristic. It was a personality that was widely hypocritical, mean, and extremely difficult to deal with, but all of this fit the “type” of submissive that she was. I saw her as a tremendous, effusive force that, when wielded correctly, could be used to great advantage. The only problem is there are only few with enough strength and patience to tame and guide such a force, although someone who could accomplish such a task would form an unbreakable bond between master and slave. I knew that I would eventually have the strength, but I certainly did not have the patience to be dealing with what constantly felt like a person working against me.

So it’s with this cautionary step that I proceed to explore the D/s branch of the BDSM umbrella. My sub was dependent on the lifestyle; she required it in her relationships, and her only means of relaxation was being a bottom at a party. I knew the risks of getting involved. One of my biggest fears was that I would grow dependent on the lifestyle as well. After all, what greater elation is there than to feel as if one owns another mind, another soul, another person.

As of yet, I don’t feel some tremendous urge to go out and find a sub to abuse. I’m not experienced enough as a dominant to do that. I know, however, that D/s is something I’d want to explore in future relationships. I consider it a basis of openness, trust, and acceptance. Exploring the lifestyle (as a female sub especially) would lay the groundwork for a lot of other things.

Many of which I have yet to discover for myself.

Fifteen-Minute Conditioner (or It's A D/s Life: The Perils Of Faith)

I understand. A lack of feedback is the ultimate test of confidence, one of the many crucibles of a relationship. The strong make it through, the weak fall apart.

I have to be strong. I have to cast aside my insecurities, and not look back. I have to trust in Louise as much as she trusts in me. I have to be more open, more communicative. How can I be sure of what she thinks if I don’t speak to her first?

I have to be strong. I have to treat Louise better. She shouldn’t be paying for my bad days. I have to push through the weight, or we both pay, the vicious bad-mood cycle. I have to be firm first, or there is nothing for her to support.

I have to be strong. I once asked Louise for three things, and I can’t be scared to ask for others. I have to take that leap of faith, because love is nothing without risk.

Do people really become stronger from pressure? I’ve always cracked, and it feels like I’m cracking now. Is this what the strong have gone through?

No one can promise that I won’t get hurt. No one can help me.

And I have to be strong enough to deal with both.

It's a D/s life: Stepping Outside The Circle

When I made the decision to journey into this lifestyle, I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, although I suspected that it would be easier for me than for other novice dominants, just from the fact that I have a very clear of idea of what I want in life and know myself well (or believe it at least).

The hardest thing has been stepping outside of my comfort zone, or what Warren describes as, “the psychological barriers to undertaking such a politically incorrect activity.” It’s ironic; he warns, “…keep in mind that by admitting her desires, [the submissive] could be seen to be rejecting gains that women have slowly and painfully made over the last 20, 50, 100 years”, something I understand completely, but it’s not Loo who’s worried about rejecting these gains.

It’s me.

After all, as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been programmed by society to a certain degree. No violence against women, females are to be treated as equals, et cetera. And along with this are my own programmed morals and beliefs. Expect nothing from anyone. Punishment does more harm than good. The list goes on in varied and inconsistent ways. What makes it all harder is the fact that breaking out of the bubble must be done out of self-interest. As much as I’d like to keep reminding myself that this is not only what Louise wants, but needs in a relationship, I have to forgo the reinforcing of any such idea. To acknowledge it is to ruin the dynamic between Dom and sub.

Interestingly enough, the only way I’ve been able to get past these personal boundaries has been to not intellectualize them, to act without thinking. To expect a woman to ask for permission to leave my side, or come to bed. To have her sit at my feet instead of next to me. To hit her until the point of tears, but not stop. To know that her body is mine, and not her own.

To live this life for me, and not the both of us.