Fifteen-Minute Conditioner (or It's A D/s Life: The Perils Of Faith)

I under­stand. A lack of feed­back is the ulti­mate test of con­fi­dence, one of the many cru­cibles of a rela­tion­ship. The strong make it through, the weak fall apart.

I have to be strong. I have to cast aside my inse­cu­ri­ties, and not look back. I have to trust in Louise as much as she trusts in me. I have to be more open, more com­mu­nica­tive. How can I be sure of what she thinks if I don’t speak to her first?

I have to be strong. I have to treat Louise bet­ter. She should­n’t be pay­ing for my bad days. I have to push through the weight, or we both pay, the vicious bad-mood cycle. I have to be firm first, or there is noth­ing for her to sup­port.

I have to be strong. I once asked Louise for three things, and I can’t be scared to ask for oth­ers. I have to take that leap of faith, because love is noth­ing with­out risk.

Do peo­ple real­ly become stronger from pres­sure? I’ve always cracked, and it feels like I’m crack­ing now. Is this what the strong have gone through?

No one can promise that I won’t get hurt. No one can help me.

And I have to be strong enough to deal with both.


  1. Yes, I do think peo­ple become stronger under pres­sure. There are two pos­si­bil­i­ties of pres­sure, once one reach­es the zenith, when it seems it can’t get any worse. One either sub­mits to all the stress, falling clutch­ing their head about how it’s too much…and they sub­mit to even more hurt, more drudgery. Or one can force through that zenith, which is false. There is some­thing hard­er just beyond it, very hard, but very quick to pass. And once past that there will be per­haps an intense pain, a guilt or regret. But it is momen­tary. You might think about it lat­er, but always regard it as unavoid­able. And from then on, it will seem that all oth­er things are nev­er, ever as bad.

    Of course, this is just my opin­ion, from how I came to live my life.

  2. I’m cur­rent­ly the opposite…one who sub­mits to the zenith and cracks. All my strength has been from a very grad­ual con­scious effort, noth­ing forced, and I think it’s done well for me. Being forced reminds me too much of my child­hood, a bad taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of. I think that’s what makes things espe­cial­ly hard, since I tend to dis­agree with it, so it’s like I’m fight­ing for a cause I don’t believe in. An asso­ci­at­ed risk is that one day, I’ll either make it or break.

  3. i cant help but feel like i’ve forced alot of this on you. Shit or get off the pot so to speak. I feel like an emotional/physical drain on you and i dont like feel­ing that way. The way i live my life is sup­posed to make me clos­er to the per­son i’m with, its not sup­posed to dri­ve issues between us.

    i dont know what to do, i feel like you’re push­ing me away because you know i’ll be gone for 4 weeks.

  4. On the days that I have it bad, I just remind myself that things could be a lot worst. That usu­al­ly makes me feel bet­ter.

    Don’t depend on any­thing or any­one and Don’t expect any­thing from any­one”. Life becomes 10 times hard­er to cope with fol­low­ing these rules, but in the end, the only thing that can bring you down is your­self.

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