but doctor, i am pagliacci

I can’t put togeth­er a coher­ent thought late­ly. It’s all just bits and pieces rac­ing through my head. I have six drafts open at once, but I get nowhere. And since I can’t write, I have no cathar­sis.

Only pent up emo­tions and thoughts and ideas and love and crazy and lust and wor­ry.

grumpy cat

 

Maybe that’s why it feels like I’m bare­ly hold­ing on to my san­i­ty. I don’t under­stand myself any­more. There are so many ups and downs in a day. Even my nights are haunt­ed by dreams, some­times won­der­ful, most­ly scary. I’ve been try­ing to find mean­ing in the lit­tle things; bet­ter ways of chop­ping rose­mary, adjust­ments to the form when prac­tic­ing Tai Chi, new strum­ming pat­terns on the uke.

lie to me

I feel so over­whelmed by my inse­cu­ri­ties late­ly. I don’t know what to think of myself any­more. I can’t tell if I’m being hard on myself, or just hon­est.

bokeh

Went for a walk in the mar­ket today.

Saw a yel­low-haired home­less man almost get run over as he absent-mind­ed­ly tried to cross the street against traf­fic. When the dri­ver gave him an extend­ed honk, he took a slow drag from his cig­a­rette as he saun­tered back to the side­walk. There was no shame on his face, no embar­rass­ment, no wor­ry. He could­n’t have cared less. It was as if you could take noth­ing more from him.

bokeh

 

I’ve always loved peo­ple-watch­ing, and today was no excep­tion. A lit­tle game I play with myself to fig­ure out some­one’s tastes and habits through their man­ner­isms. There were peo­ple on every cor­ner, and so much won­der held in the mys­tery of every one of them. It’s impos­si­ble not to feel hope at this real­iza­tion.

I’m always after that moment, when I’m caught between the focus and the enig­mat­ic blur, lost to the colours and the wind on my skin, and try­ing to make it last a life­time.

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House Show II: Invitation

Owing to the suc­cess of last year’s house show, I’ve invit­ed both Shane Watt and Jesse Dangerously to come and per­form again next month. Not only will there be awe­some music and an assort­ment of mini-cup­cakes host­ed in my liv­ing room, it’ll also be Jesse’s birth­day par­ty.

This will be a col­lab­o­ra­tion across Eastern Canada, as Shane will be com­ing from Montreal (with a poten­tial secret guest), and Rosie will be trav­el­ing from Halifax on man­dolin to join Audra, Nic (also com­ing from Montreal, as Rockefort F. Loopfrog, the beat­mak­er), and I as part of the Dangerson Famile. However, I don’t think Dolly will be mak­ing an appear­ance because the sheer num­ber of peo­ple in the house last time real­ly freaked her out.

second house show flier

I had a lot of fun mak­ing this fly­er, fea­tur­ing Mr. Cupcake. The great thing about Avenir is that it sup­ports so many vari­a­tions of the type­face, which lets you make movie and con­cert posters in the clas­sic style of a full-jus­ti­fied col­umn of infor­ma­tion.