it’s far too late to be doing this, but I know I’ll lose it if I don’t get it down right away.

cause the music. my god. you nev­er tru­ly feel it until this hap­pens. like it’s writ­ten for this moment, when the song isn’t over so you have to dance in the car for 0:34 cause you’re home already.

i was­n’t going to men­tion any­thing until there was some­thing worth men­tion­ing. then i excit­ed­ly spilled my guts to trol­ley over the grilled atlantic salmon.

things fell apart short­ly there­after.

i keep think­ing of how i would­n’t have changed a thing if i had to do it all over again, how any­thing done dif­fer­ent­ly would­n’t have made a dif­fer­ence any­way, but that’s nev­er much com­fort is it. these are also the nights i queue up only three songs to make sure I get out of the show­er in a time­ly man­ner.

aaron knew some­thing was wrong when i broke into a sweat and took off my coat. i lied cause it was his day and not mine, but all i want­ed to do was go home and drown myself in iso­la­tion and play until my fin­gers bled¹.

i’ll always be caught in this flux. there is no arrival for me. the oscil­la­tion has always been the des­ti­na­tion, but the waves get a lit­tle calmer each time.

1. he knows how bad i am at hid­ing things like this, how it always eats me up, and i feel ter­ri­ble cause i know how he always wants to take me away from that. [↩]