Posts tagged with "vent"

every red fucking light

it’s far too late to be doing this, but I know I’ll lose it if I don’t get it down right away.

cause the music. my god. you never truly feel it until this happens. like it’s written for this moment, when the song isn’t over so you have to dance in the car for 0:34 cause you’re home already.

i wasn’t going to mention anything until there was something worth mentioning. then i excitedly spilled my guts to trolley over the grilled atlantic salmon.

things fell apart shortly thereafter.

i keep thinking of how i wouldn’t have changed a thing if i had to do it all over again, how anything done differently wouldn’t have made a difference anyway, but that’s never much comfort is it. these are also the nights i queue up only three songs to make sure I get out of the shower in a timely manner.

aaron knew something was wrong when i broke into a sweat and took off my coat. i lied cause it was his day and not mine, but all i wanted to do was go home and drown myself in isolation and play until my fingers bled1.

i’ll always be caught in this flux. there is no arrival for me. the oscillation has always been the destination, but the waves get a little calmer each time.

  1. he knows how bad i am at hiding things like this, how it always eats me up, and i feel terrible cause i know how he always wants to take me away from that. []

but doctor, i am pagliacci

I can’t put together a coherent thought lately. It’s all just bits and pieces racing through my head. I have six drafts open at once, but I get nowhere. And since I can’t write, I have no catharsis.

Only pent up emotions and thoughts and ideas and love and crazy and lust and worry.

grumpy cat

 

Maybe that’s why it feels like I’m barely holding on to my sanity. I don’t understand myself anymore. There are so many ups and downs in a day. Even my nights are haunted by dreams, sometimes wonderful, mostly scary. I’ve been trying to find meaning in the little things; better ways of chopping rosemary, adjustments to the form when practicing Tai Chi, new strumming patterns on the uke.