Sometimes, you stab yourself in the hand with a point, but it’s not sharp enough to break the skin.
Sometimes, the blood comes to the surface, and this is as much of yourself as you can show the world.
Sometimes, the pavement is covered in snow outside, and you can drive over 100kph in one spot before the traction kicks in.
Sometimes, you scare yourself with your recklessness.
Sometimes, you realize that life is pain.
Sometimes, you have nothing left but numbness and resolve.
I have no hot water.
In the middle of the weekend, my hot water tank broke down. I called the energy company and was on hold for almost two hours. When I finally got through to someone to troubleshoot my problem, all he told me to do was unplug the tank and plug it back in again. Then he told me to wait an hour and call back to make an appointment with a technician if it didn’t work. I refused to do this (after being on hold for so long already), so I made an appointment right there.
The technician came today and told me that the pipes were leaking water, and the black area under at the bottom signified a carbon monoxide leak1. The entire hot water tank has to be replaced.
The good news is that my hot water tank is rented, so any repairs or replacements are covered by the energy company. The bad news is that the ventilation pipe that connects the tank to the outside of the house is no longer up to code, and needs to be replaced before the hot water tank is replaced. The worse news is that my ceiling is finished, so it needs to be ripped open for the new piping to be installed then patched up again when it’s done, by an outside construction company. The cherry on top is that neither the pipe installation or the destruction/construction is covered by my condo or the energy company, so I’ll have to shell out more money at a time I can’t afford it.
Until then, I can’t shower2, I can’t shave, I can’t do my dishes, I can’t do my laundry, I can’t rinse my mouth without using painfully cold ice water.
But I won’t after this.
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve been waiting to capture moments like this my whole life.
Sometimes, you need to get outside. Dodge the drunks stumbling through the halls, the people standing and waiting for their groups, the familiar faces. Maybe because it’s snowing outside, and you don’t want to miss it, when the sky aches the same orange as you do.
This isn’t your scene, but there’s no one to back you up, so you smile and nod. Fake kisses and obligatory hugs, thinking, “I don’t know you, and I never will”. A façade to appear normal, when memories come flooding back. Sitting alone at a table, wondering why you came in the first place. Times without a person to make you a promise. Moments with other people’s wives, because he’s secure like that, and wishing for nothing else. Walking these halls alone the way you’re doing now. Memories you wish were a little more distant. Maybe you’ll come back one day, and break even, or maybe even come out ahead.
Sometimes you need to take a picture of something, anything, because nothing you see here is how you feel, and it’s the only way you can scream.
Maybe it’s not so much outside, where you’re running, as away.
Sometimes, I wonder whether it’s me or this city that’s changed more.