Posts tagged with "life"

the tide you swim against will carry you back home

How quickly my world fell apart. How suddenly things have changed, never to be the same again. No one blames me for being unable to cope when so much has happened all at once.

When diagnosing the severity of your mood, the professionals always ask if you have a plan. Even the two cops who show up at your door at midnight cause your friends fear the worst will pose the question. I guess a plan is the sign that you’re in immediate danger, and I had three.

It means I get to be selfish now. I get to do what I need to survive. I get to think of myself for once in my life.

Even if my friends have never been through this, even if they don’t understand, they still care, and they prove it to me with every lingering hug, every meal they leave me, every call to ask how I’m feeling, every message left to let them know if there’s anything they can do, every reminder that they don’t want to lose me spoken through tears from those I’ve never seen cry.

I used to have nothing but guilt for worrying them, but now I understand that guilt is the last thing they want me to feel. They only want me to be okay. They’ve done so much to make me believe this, and that’s exactly what I need right now.

pharmaceutical intervention

Sanity is supposed to come from little portions of Cipralex, but I have to survive long enough for the doctors to find the right dose. It may well be several months before they discover what works, and every day in between terrifies me.

Until then, I can’t sleep, I can’t come, I can’t eat more than half of what I used to before getting full, and I can’t go without Gravol to fight the nausea. The side-effects are supposed to be better than the alternative — and I suppose cottonmouth is good way to get me to drink more liquids — but every wretched day makes me question whether this unique form of hell is worth it.

This used to be one of my greatest fears, and here I am faced with it cause I couldn’t handle life by myself anymore.

what fool hath added water to the sea?

O earth, I will befriend thee more with rain,
That shall distil from these two ancient urns,
Than youthful April shall with all his showers

—Titus Andronicus

I lost my life as I knew it, piece by piece, over days and weeks and months. Now things will never be the same. In moments of crisis, everything has been distilled; what’s gone is gone forever, and what remains is what I will carry for the rest of my life.

And as the threads unraveled, I tore myself from the world away, my face unable to bear the burden to others.


I know it’s late, but I’m in a jittery mood. I know I won’t be able to sleep until I get something down, because there’s so much going through my mind. But first, take this. A gift. One that I was planning on keeping to myself, but to do so would be an injustice to music and the artists.


Just, listen.

Mogwai is an extremely influential post-rock band, and like most bands in this genre they usually produce instrumental music, so when Stuart sings, it demands attention. And yet his voice evaporates and becomes an instrument with which we hear our own stories pulled apart with delicate tenderness, like boys pulling wings off flies.

There’s so much happiness and sadness to be felt down the spine in seven brief minutes. The latter from the tone, the former from the beauty.

If only we could see life so simply. If only we could separate the good from the bad, the love from the heartbreak. But we can’t. That’s why songs like this are composed, and that’s why words like bittersweet exist to help us define what can’t be explained.

It may feel like you’re constantly waiting for the next dawn to wash away the dust with sunlight, but at some point life ends, and life begins again.

All it takes is one day.

Version 10.3: The Lifestream

You may have noticed that I’ve adapted my popular version 10 layout into a lifestream1. I quite enjoy the concept of the lifestream, where you can see a person’s latest activity that’s up-to-date by the minute. A change like this means a bump up to a full sub-version number, 10.3

The key to all of this is my new iPhone 3GS. The technology has roughly caught up to my needs, so I decided to get one this year. Apple tends to announce new iPhone generations every summer, which means I’ve been planning this design update for months now.

So with this fancy new iPhone I can write tweets on-the-go, stay up-to-date on the people I follow, and check my @replies, all with the Tweetie application2. I once had my tweets integrated into the blog, but decided not to stick with this because the frequency with which I use twitter meant that the sheer number of tweets was flooding my RSS feed. Then one day, the realization dawned on me to exclude that one category from my feed, et voila! A simple workaround that lets people subscribe to my twitter stream if they so choose.

I can also take pictures with the built-in iPhone camera and e-mail them to Flickr directly from the phone, which will automatically create a WordPress post and embed the picture in the entry3. And coincidentally enough, the maximum width for images posted to Flickr is 500 pixels, which happens to be exactly how wide the main column of my blog is. It’s like it was meant to be.

So there are two new categories: one for tweets, and one for snaps. Both of them display with CSS styling unique to each category and an icon to denote the type of post. A note on the “snaps” icon; I tried to find something that would represent both a camera and an iPhone, because the iPhone isn’t a pure camera, nor is it just a phone. I decided to use the camera app icon built into the iPhone, which says both. There are no comments allowed on these entries because I don’t care for discussion on such fleeting things. If someone really wanted to comment, they could post a reply through twitter, or a comment through Flickr.

So unlike most other life streams, this blog is not exactly an aggregator of various service feeds because there’s a unique WordPress blog entry created for every one of my Flickr posts and tweets as well, each one retrieved from within the WordPress loop. I did this to retain a little independence from services like Flickr or twitter; if I ever chose not to use them anymore, my blog won’t explode into a ball of fire with all the missing entries.

With all of this snazzy integration in place, I can post things quickly and on-the-fly, as long as I have internet access. Which is almost anywhere, now that I have a 3G data plan. Version 10.3 is a reflection of that.

With my ever increasingly busy life, the ability to post snippets of things comes as a welcome change to my regular entries, which often take days to write.

  1. If you’re seeing some strange rendering issues, they’ll probably clear up if you refresh the page. []
  2. This also helps me avoid text messaging charges, which is how I wrote tweets before, when I was out in the real world with no internet access, though my new data plan has unlimited texts anyway. []
  3. In an ideal world, I could send the picture to a WordPress e-mail address or post it using the iPhone WordPress application, but the post-by-email option of the former doesn’t allow attachments, and the latter has very crude image uploading options with only one set width available for resizing. []