How quickly my world fell apart. How suddenly things have changed, never to be the same again. No one blames me for being unable to cope when so much has happened all at once.
When diagnosing the severity of your mood, the professionals always ask if you have a plan. Even the two cops who show up at your door at midnight cause your friends fear the worst will pose the question. I guess a plan is the sign that you’re in immediate danger, and I had three.
It means I get to be selfish now. I get to do what I need to survive. I get to think of myself for once in my life.
Even if my friends have never been through this, even if they don’t understand, they still care, and they prove it to me with every lingering hug, every meal they leave me, every call to ask how I’m feeling, every message left to let them know if there’s anything they can do, every reminder that they don’t want to lose me spoken through tears from those I’ve never seen cry.
I used to have nothing but guilt for worrying them, but now I understand that guilt is the last thing they want me to feel. They only want me to be okay. They’ve done so much to make me believe this, and that’s exactly what I need right now.
There we go. That’s using the head on your shoulders. Be selfish. Be that. Live your life your way, your rules. So much easier to ride the highs and lows when you dictate the terms of how you want to ride it.
Ah. I didn’t see in the past that you hadn’t already made this connection. YES YES YES, of course yes.
We never want to see you saddled with guilt of arbitrary imposition. How I wish I had a feather duster to beat whoever installed this in you. You kick it out!.
I am glad to hear you have others closer who are calling and checking on you; it mad me worry to not be near enough, to be a bit helpless. Please just know you have us, wherever we are.
Sleeping at Last- Chandeliers
I hope this song can help you through your endeavor.