the tide you swim against will carry you back home

How quick­ly my world fell apart. How sud­den­ly things have changed, nev­er to be the same again. No one blames me for being unable to cope when so much has hap­pened all at once.

When diag­nos­ing the sever­i­ty of your mood, the pro­fes­sion­als always ask if you have a plan. Even the two cops who show up at your door at mid­night cause your friends fear the worst will pose the ques­tion. I guess a plan is the sign that you’re in imme­di­ate dan­ger, and I had three.

It means I get to be self­ish now. I get to do what I need to sur­vive. I get to think of myself for once in my life.

Even if my friends have nev­er been through this, even if they don’t under­stand, they still care, and they prove it to me with every lin­ger­ing hug, every meal they leave me, every call to ask how I’m feel­ing, every mes­sage left to let them know if there’s any­thing they can do, every reminder that they don’t want to lose me spo­ken through tears from those I’ve nev­er seen cry.

I used to have noth­ing but guilt for wor­ry­ing them, but now I under­stand that guilt is the last thing they want me to feel. They only want me to be okay. They’ve done so much to make me believe this, and that’s exact­ly what I need right now.

3 comments

  1. There we go. That’s using the head on your shoul­ders. Be self­ish. Be that. Live your life your way, your rules. So much eas­i­er to ride the highs and lows when you dic­tate the terms of how you want to ride it.

  2. Ah. I did­n’t see in the past that you had­n’t already made this con­nec­tion. YES YES YES, of course yes.
    We nev­er want to see you sad­dled with guilt of arbi­trary impo­si­tion. How I wish I had a feath­er duster to beat who­ev­er installed this in you. You kick it out!.

    I am glad to hear you have oth­ers clos­er who are call­ing and check­ing on you; it mad me wor­ry to not be near enough, to be a bit help­less. Please just know you have us, wher­ev­er we are.

  3. Sleeping at Last- Chandeliers

    I hope this song can help you through your endeav­or.

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