What can I say about Tina?
Fulcrum editor. Dom lover. Farsi speaker. Cadence Weapon listener. Naughty girl dancer.
She’s cool. Certainly cooler than me.
So when she asked if I wanted to meet, it made me nervous. I’m not comfortable around cool people. I never know how to act around them.
Tina has this laugh though, this girly, ebullient-but-not-annoying laugh, that put me at ease. The way she expresses herself betrays a subtle maturity for her age. One of those people who knows what they want and where they’re going. Even with this maturity, she retains a youthful fashionability. She’s four years my junior but I never felt like we lost each other in conversation, something I find especially common when talking to people my age.
On the outside we’re very different. At our core, we have very similar personalities. Maybe this is why we got along so well.
She obliged me a few photos so I could see if I could capture her playful personality.
It’s obvious that she likes cats, and Dolly was no exception. Normally, I take upwards of 200 snaps when I’m doing portraits, but she was too distracted by the cat rolling around on the floor between us for me to get more than 50.
Tina was the first person I’ve met through blogging from the Ottawa area. The next blogger I have to meet is Sikander. I think I saw him with Lunato walking down Rideau once, but I was too shy at the time to introduce myself.
I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I’ll never criticize
All you’ve ever meant to my life
I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on
I don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye
—Air Supply, Goodbye
Over four years ago, I started this blog because of you. I felt like you never understood me, so I needed a place where I could express myself without any inhibitions.
I had a lot of hope in you, being drawn to your youth and innocence. A lot of hope in us. I always thought you were like clay I could mold. Someone who would eventually complete me, but you never changed or showed improvement.
It took me a long time to realize how wrong it was for me to do that. How wrong it was for me to want you to be a different person.
I never appreciated you for who you were, and you never deserved any of it.
I hope I didn’t hurt you. I heard from your brother that you’re already on your Masters degree. I hope he’s healthy and happy. I hope your parents are doing well, that your dad is retired and they’re travelling out east like they’ve always wanted when you started university.
There are a lot of fond memories of our time together. I wonder if you believed me when I said that I wanted to marry you. It was something I honestly felt at the time, until things started falling apart, and I went through one of my phases again. It wasn’t your fault.
I had to end it before I led you on any further.
The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series