Posts tagged with "reflection"

It's a D/s life: Stepping Outside The Circle

When I made the deci­sion to jour­ney into this lifestyle, I knew that it was­n’t going to be easy, although I sus­pect­ed that it would be eas­i­er for me than for oth­er novice dom­i­nants, just from the fact that I have a very clear of idea of what I want in life and know myself well (or believe it at least).

The hard­est thing has been step­ping out­side of my com­fort zone, or what Warren describes as, “the psy­cho­log­i­cal bar­ri­ers to under­tak­ing such a polit­i­cal­ly incor­rect activ­i­ty.” It’s iron­ic; he warns, “…keep in mind that by admit­ting her desires, [the sub­mis­sive] could be seen to be reject­ing gains that women have slow­ly and painful­ly made over the last 20, 50, 100 years”, some­thing I under­stand com­plete­ly, but it’s not Loo who’s wor­ried about reject­ing these gains.

It’s me.

After all, as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been pro­grammed by soci­ety to a cer­tain degree. No vio­lence against women, females are to be treat­ed as equals, et cetera. And along with this are my own pro­grammed morals and beliefs. Expect noth­ing from any­one. Punishment does more harm than good. The list goes on in var­ied and incon­sis­tent ways. What makes it all hard­er is the fact that break­ing out of the bub­ble must be done out of self-inter­est. As much as I’d like to keep remind­ing myself that this is not only what Louise wants, but needs in a rela­tion­ship, I have to for­go the rein­forc­ing of any such idea. To acknowl­edge it is to ruin the dynam­ic between Dom and sub.

Interestingly enough, the only way I’ve been able to get past these per­son­al bound­aries has been to not intel­lec­tu­al­ize them, to act with­out think­ing. To expect a woman to ask for per­mis­sion to leave my side, or come to bed. To have her sit at my feet instead of next to me. To hit her until the point of tears, but not stop. To know that her body is mine, and not her own.

To live this life for me, and not the both of us.

Accepting The Help Of Others

It’s funny…I always think of the stereo­typ­i­cal, recent­ly divorced hus­band, and think to myself “I’ll nev­er end up like that”. I’ll nev­er “go back” to liv­ing on canned food, messy rooms, or gen­er­al unkempt­ness if I ever split up with a long-term girl­friend or wife. So I try to live my life the same if I’m in a rela­tion­ship or not, and not depend on some­one else to do things for me, by being healthy and clean when I’m not going out with some­one.

Then I real­ize that there are already things that Loo does for me that I would­n’t do myself. I don’t have the patience to make my bed, but she can’t stand to sleep in wrin­kled sheets, so she makes the bed every day. She buys fresh veg­eta­bles, because I always pur­chase the easy-to-cook frozen ones. Can I go back to liv­ing with­out lit­tle sweet pep­pers packed with my lunch, or with­out some­one to brush the cat hair from my clothes as I get dressed for work? How much of our­selves do we know­ing­ly or will­ing­ly give away, when we accept the help of oth­ers?

The Zarathustra Sessions, Part 3: Saint Salieri

I know the hatred and envy of your hearts. You are not great enough to not know hatred and envy. So be great enough not to be ashamed of them!

—Of War and Warriors, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Ah, back into this again. I was­n’t plan­ning on writ­ing this tonight, but some­thing set me off.

I like how Nietzsche believes that two human “flaws”, which some view as sins no less, should be embraced instead of shunned. Most like­ly, he’s attack­ing Christianity, and it’s view of hatred and envy as sins (he goes on to attack oth­er beliefs in sweep­ing sub­ject dances). Personally, I think that he’s point­ing out the fact that humans are, in fact, human, and prone to err. After all, who is good enough to not feel such base emo­tions, even if only once-in-a-while?

It’s made me real­ize that some­times I should­n’t be so hard on myself. I should­n’t blame myself for feel­ing a cer­tain way, or hav­ing a cer­tain flaw. It does­n’t even mat­ter if painful emo­tions don’t gen­er­ate some­thing ben­e­fi­cial, like self-improve­ment.

Of course, if my base assump­tion is wrong, then I’m read­ing too deeply into this. Such things are always a haz­ard of read­ing trans­lat­ed mate­r­i­al, and all that real­ly mat­ters is whether or not it helps.

It’s tak­en me this long to real­ize that the best that one can do is try, not suc­ceed. That does­n’t mean that I’m going to set­tle for a life with­out self-improve­ment, it just means that I should learn to for­give myself before I learn to for­give oth­ers.

Because the for­mer has always been hard­er than the lat­ter.

Former Or Latter

I final­ly have some time to catch up on my blogroll. The hia­tus has giv­en me a fresh per­spec­tive on the blogs that I read, and I’m start­ing to under­stand why I actu­al­ly read them in the first place. Most authors are just plain inter­est­ing, and their blogs offer a glimpse into the lives of peo­ple with dis­tinct per­son­al­i­ties. The most inter­est­ing ones are by intel­li­gent peo­ple with lifestyles I’ve nev­er been through. However, there’s a fair share of authors whose lives are so sad that they’re amus­ing, and their blogs are so pathet­ic that they’re humor­ous. These are the peo­ple who write because they think they’re impor­tant, and fill their entries with the most trite, sequa­cious crap.

And it’s made me won­der, espe­cial­ly after hav­ing reached an aver­age of 200 dai­ly vis­its last month, which of the two types this blog fits into for oth­er peo­ple when they read.

The Zarathustra Sessions, Part 2: Progression

I have learned to walk: since then I have run. I have learned to fly, since then I do not have to be pushed in order to move.

Now I am nim­ble, now I fly, now I see myself under myself, now a god dances with­in me.

—Of Reading And Writing, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

A long time ago, maybe almost ten years ago, I met a guy who was the same age as me named Alvin. We got along extreme­ly well, which was a rar­i­ty for me at the time. He was a com­plete enig­ma. There was always an air about him, some­thing in his sta­ble demeanor, that told me he had every­thing fig­ured out. I asked him once, “Do you feel any pain?”. “Only when I want to”, was his response. I could­n’t pos­si­bly under­stand.

How can I describe this feel­ing? How can I explain? I’ve been look­ing for the right words for so long, but noth­ing comes through. Only images and ideas. Thoughts with­out expres­sion.

All I know is that it feels like I’ve arrived at some­thing, like I’ve final­ly come to a point where I’m com­fort­able with myself. Where I can hurt with­out being sad. Where I can love with­out pain.

The key is under­stand­ing how dis­sat­is­fac­tion breeds improve­ment, how pain breeds hap­pi­ness, how there must be a bal­ance of good and bad, and liv­ing by these beliefs with com­mit­ted indus­try and absolute humil­i­ty. It’s what Taoists express as Yin and Yang, what Nietzsche was say­ing through Zarathustra. And when one’s life goal is self-improve­ment, every­thing falls into place.

Now there is no going back. Now I tru­ly feel like I’m alive.

Now a god dances with­in me.