The weather has been lovely. It’s the perfect temperature, though the humidity has given my ukulele a much more pronounced buzz on the C string. Spring officially begins when I can take the mittens out of my car and drive with the windows down, my only concern being that my music isn’t too embarrassing, and I don’t get a sudden burst of I BE ON THE HOTLINE LIKE ERRRRDAY when stopped at a red light.
I’m still physically recovering from last weekend. I got back to Darren’s late after working a very intense 14 hours, and since it’s been so long since we last saw each other, that was just the beginning of the night. Then we woke up early to see Chris. On the way home, I had to pull over at a comfort station to grab a few winks in my car, but I was too uncomfortably exhausted to fall asleep, and ended up driving home bug-eyed. I’m sure this is why my colitis is acting up.
Probably not good that I’ve been living such a hedonistic lifestyle. I stay up far too late, drink too much caffeine, and indulge in too many sweets close to bedtime. I can’t tell if I’ve stopped caring, or if I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it.
I’ve been going through long stretches without contact from the outside world. It’s forced me to face my own isolation, yet I don’t feel lonely. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s cause I tend to get obsessed with my small hobbies, and it distracts me enough. I worry that I’ve become a little too complacent in this introversion. It makes me wonder how long I can keep going down this path, and whether I even want to be on it or not.
On nights like this, I wonder how I’m going to kill the time before it’s late enough to fall asleep, worried that I’ll be bored on a Friday and consequently faced with the fact that I’m so very alone. I was craving some kind of human contact tonight, but spending time with people takes too much energy nowadays so I decided, instead, to play Team Fortress 2.
I purchased it on an impulse, but this was still three years after TF2 first came out. There’s a very good reason I avoided buying it for so long: it’s the sequel to Team Fortress Classic, one of the games I was most addicted to in my life, and a huge time sink. An entire day could go by without realizing it when I was playing TFC, and I purposely didn’t buy TF2 when Aaron was getting into it too; I knew I wouldn’t stop if I had friends encouraging the habit.
Continue reading “Team Fortress 2”…
I came here to get out of the house. Room, actually. I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with anyone in three days.
I kept going through my phone book. No one. Not a single person I want to talk to. No one with whom to be myself completely, with whom to spend in company without conversation. Hank told me a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness, but I beg to differ. The mornings always seem to last much longer.
At the same time, this is when I want to distract myself the most, and being with other people is the most effective way. I’m too busy being focused on spending time with someone else that I can forget about myself.
In the car it’s all Kid Cudi, and even though I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t drive when I’m like this, I’d always wanted to hear this album when I’m in this kind of mood. I was never one to resist a night in cool summer air, cruising under the city lights to old haunts.
Waiting for my order affords me the opportunity to surreptitiously observe people and try to figure out their roles each clique as they interact. Even though I’m alone, it’s comfort enough to be among strangers.
Sometimes, you need to get outside. Dodge the drunks stumbling through the halls, the people standing and waiting for their groups, the familiar faces. Maybe because it’s snowing outside, and you don’t want to miss it, when the sky aches the same orange as you do.
This isn’t your scene, but there’s no one to back you up, so you smile and nod. Fake kisses and obligatory hugs, thinking, “I don’t know you, and I never will”. A façade to appear normal, when memories come flooding back. Sitting alone at a table, wondering why you came in the first place. Times without a person to make you a promise. Moments with other people’s wives, because he’s secure like that, and wishing for nothing else. Walking these halls alone the way you’re doing now. Memories you wish were a little more distant. Maybe you’ll come back one day, and break even, or maybe even come out ahead.
Until then, your indifference will keep you alive.
Sometimes you need to take a picture of something, anything, because nothing you see here is how you feel, and it’s the only way you can scream.
Maybe it’s not so much outside, where you’re running, as away.
The blinds are open so I can see outside.
Secretly, I hope a face from one of the windows will appear and look outside, someone who’s thinking the same thing, so that I may not be so alone. A way of comforting myself, when I’m by myself in this veneer of a house.
I’m not sure if it’s working.