A few factors have helped make things easier in the last little while, but perhaps the most significant is the realization that almost nothing around me has changed. That all cerebral influences have remained fairly static in activity.
And I think to myself, “How could I have been so stupid? How did I not come to this realization sooner?”
And having lived a little more, loved a lot more, everything seems brighter.
I have to get this down before I lose it.
The new Starsailor album is out this month, and I’m not sure if I’ll buy it. There’s something about the general sound of Starsailor songs that evoke an almost ineffable emotion in me. I never even knew they existed until last month, but for some reason, their 2001 Love Is Here album cover is oddly familiar. Every time I see the sun-washed tracks falling into the horizon, I get an odd sense of déjá vu.
As one who rarely has such an ephemeral, mystical experience, this strikes me as a extremely poignant thing. I feel as if I know this album, that I’ve seen it before, even had emotions associated with it. It’s something I can’t explain, and whether the emotions are good are bad, I can’t recall.
Their music moves me nonetheless. The chord progressions are unpredictable yet dulcet, bitter yet sweet. I can’t decide if it’s sunset or sunrise music, and the album cover serves to emphasize this equivocality. I can’t even tell if the music makes me happy or sad.
And so remains my problem. Do I want to listen to this music or not? I always find it odd that someone would not want to think about or experience something simply because it makes them sad. Doing so seems to be so cowardly, as if one is running from one’s self.
Yet the problem remains, with other music as well, and as clear as this logic is for me I find it difficult to queue up certain songs. Listening to The Postal Service brings back so many amazing, unforgettable memories, but so many painful thoughts as well.
I choose not to ignore either, and end up being emotionally torn, unclear in my heart and in my mind.
In the past, I’ve always appreciated any dismal emotions I was experiencing. Even though these melancholy feelings have always been comfortable and even inspiring to me, I’ve usually felt like I’d rather be in a complacent mood.
I realized that sometimes it’s best for emotions to be felt and experienced, no matter how bad they are. Sometimes it’s just better to let feelings run their course, to consume the fuel that makes one feel defeated. Of course, this is only possible when there is no more fuel being generated. When there is stagnancy in the situation and one is aloud to rest in one’s mind, things become much simpler. These morose thoughts and ideas need to be embraced and not forgotten, so that one can understand and learn, grow and be strong.
Eventually, one gets past what has happened, and is a better person for it.
The hardest thing in life is not knowing what to think or feel.
I feel worthless.
She hugged him tight round the neck, her arms trembling, as though she was trying to pass her soul to him with that kiss. No, it was right and proper she should die!
I find that I’m beginning to compare myself with others, in order that I feel better about myself. I keep telling myself that I have no debt, no ailments, and barely any responsibilities. I’m a university graduate, I live in a great city in a comfortable apartment, I’ve finally fallen into a great bunch of stand-up friends. Why does it feel as though I have nothing, that I’ve accomplished nothing, that my life is nothing? That in my nearly 23 years of life, I have nothing to show for it but a few frissons and a life or two affected.
If only I was being too hard on myself.
