Monthly Archives: December 2007

Pardon My Freedom

Oh my God, did I just say that out loud?
Should’ve known this was the kind of place
That that sort of thing just was­n’t allowed
…
And look at me now up here run­ning my mouth
I just open it up and see what comes run­ning out

Well here it comes…

Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck about that moth­er­fuck­ing shit
Like I give a fuck
Like I give a fuck
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK
LIKE I GIVE A SHIT
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK

—!!!, Pardon My Freedom

This is me with­out bound­aries.

This is the truth. My truth. My hon­esty in it’s purest form, includ­ing my opin­ion and bias.

Often, there are things said that peo­ple don’t want to hear, or don’t want to know. I nev­er apol­o­gize for what I say because my opin­ions are nev­er forced on oth­ers. No one has to come here and read what I say.

There are two rules: I nev­er say any­thing here that I can’t say to some­one’s face, and I nev­er give away some­one else’s pri­vate infor­ma­tion.1

Other than that, I’ll nev­er cen­sor myself for the sake of oth­ers.

  1. “Private” is to my dis­cre­tion, of course. [↩]

Missing Kissing

I’m fac­ing the very tan­gi­ble pos­si­bil­i­ty that I’ll be sin­gle for the rest of my life. Sometimes I won­der how I’ll sur­vive. The strange part is that I feel like I was meant to be in a rela­tion­ship. Quixotic ideas and roman­tic ideals have always point­ed me in that direc­tion, but either the right per­son has­n’t come along, or they’re tak­en.

At the same time, I won­der if I can be in anoth­er rela­tion­ship. I’ve grown so accus­tomed to liv­ing alone, hav­ing things exact­ly my way, with time to work on my projects. No main­te­nance, as it were. How I do enjoy the free­dom.

One sit­u­a­tion isn’t bet­ter than the oth­er, of course. Both have their pros and cons.

Still.

I miss kiss­ing. More than the sex.

The quick acknowl­edg­ment of love in the form of a peck, or the inti­ma­cy of a make-out ses­sion.

Has the win­ter brought this feel­ing? Has the sight of snow and snow­fall remind­ed me of how frigid the nights can be when you’re by your­self?

Or maybe it’s from being sin­gle for this long.

The Weight Issue

With a tone of gen­uine con­cern, as if I was being con­sumed by some dis­ease, Abdallah told me he noticed I was get­ting thin­ner. Perhaps this is true. I was recov­er­ing from an episode of IBS, and con­trol­ling my food intake. Maybe its my sets of nar­row, flared pants I’ve been wear­ing late­ly on Julie’s sug­ges­tion1.

Louise tells peo­ple I don’t eat a lot, which is true only when we’re out 2, and is also the only time she’s seen me eat. It makes me even more ill at ease when I’m already feel­ing unat­trac­tive, as if it was my fault and I was­n’t doing enough about it. Others will com­ment about the size of my waist, or make a pass­ing remark about how they wish they had my metab­o­lism.

I try to take it all in stride, but it’s not easy when the sub­ject is con­stant­ly brought up.

According to my doc­tor, I’m aver­age weight — the aver­age being a range, with me being near the bot­tom. I know this, but it does­n’t make it eas­i­er. Bronwen once told me that I have a weight issue, and after think­ing about it for a while, I real­ized that it was true. Even though it’s some­thing I can joke about, it’s still a source of self-con­scious­ness, lead­ing back to mem­o­ries of my par­ents telling me that no one will love me if I’m this size for­ev­er.

Sometimes I won­der if I’ll ever get over it.

  1. Her the­o­ry is that bag­gy pants do noth­ing to hide thin limbs and make skin­ny peo­ple look even skin­nier. [↩]
  2. Usually because I don’t like to be too full when I’m out. [↩]

Hyperactive Euphoria

Maybe it was the exhaus­tion mak­ing me hyper­ac­tive and all WOOOOOOOOOOO this morn­ing. Maybe it was the weath­er on my side, try­ing to bury the city in 40cm of snow, telling me to for­get every­thing else. On see­ing myself in the mir­ror, I start­ed to have one of those Strung Out, Matchbook moments while shav­ing. You know, the part that goes

I just comb my hair and wash my face
Keep straight ahead and keep my pace
Just think about noth­ing and my life’ll be alright
Well I got my friends, I got my pen
I got a mil­lion dis­trac­tions to keep me warm
And all I know is that I’ll be alright, that I’ll be alright

And while it’s get­ting so busy that I can’t keep track of every­thing, it’s also nice to be dis­tract­ed. I can keep these thoughts in the back of my head, and bring them out when I need them. Almost like I’m in total con­trol of it all, while it con­tin­u­al­ly verges on the peak of insta­bil­i­ty.

Maybe it’s the insta­bil­i­ty I thrive on, a way of feel­ing like my life isn’t stag­nant. That way, I’m not in a rut, devoid of inspi­ra­tion.

So yeah. I think it’s mak­ing me hyper.

Where I Belong

Those who rule in accor­dance with Tao do not use force against the world
For that which is forced is like­ly to return

—Verse 30, Tao Te Ching

I may know bet­ter, I may under­stand what I’m sup­posed to accept, but that does­n’t make it any eas­i­er.

Sometimes the world is crash­ing down around you, and all you can do is watch.

Because you can’t yell at the sky to keep it from falling.