Yearly Archives: 2004

The Uncertainty of Complacency

What do I have left to do today? I’m not real­ly sure. I’ll roll my frozen choco­late mix­ture into truf­fles tomor­row. I should show­er tonight. Fold up some clothes. Throw expired trans­fers in the garbage.

Sometimes it feels as if my life has become sim­ple, and all I have to do is turn on auto-pilot. I don’t real­ly have any­thing to wor­ry about. Money, com­pan­ion­ship, school, health, every­thing I used to think about con­stant­ly before have all ceased to be prob­lems for me. I even have peo­ple that I would con­sid­er friends.

Lately it feels as if I’ve reached a sort of equi­lib­ri­um, where any­thing can hap­pen but I’ll be able to deal with any prob­lems that arise. This is quite a change from before, where I was always wor­ry­ing, turn­ing over in my head the things that both­ered me.

It’s almost a form of com­pla­cen­cy. However, this is a sense of total com­pla­cen­cy, unlike even my pre­vi­ous com­pla­cent feel­ings. I’m unsure of whether or not this is a tem­po­rary thing, and how long it will last if this is true. Being com­pla­cent means that the excite­ment I used to feel, from the strug­gle to con­trol unde­sir­able emo­tions, to the ner­vous­ness asso­ci­at­ed to attrac­tion, to the sim­ple uncer­tain­ty of pass­ing a course, has most­ly lev­eled out. These were all scary things, but exhil­a­rat­ing nonethe­less. This com­pla­cen­cy is dif­fer­ent from feel­ing numb because it’s on a dif­fer­ent lev­el. Numbness deals more specif­i­cal­ly with emo­tion, where­as com­pla­cen­cy refers to life in gen­er­al, includ­ing emo­tion. This means that com­pla­cen­cy is not nec­es­sar­i­ly a bad thing.

I’m just not sure what to make of it as of yet.

In Between Class Days

It’s 4:30 in the morn­ing and I’m tired but I can’t sleep. Sometimes I like it when this hap­pens because I get up to do some­thing, and it feels so good to get back in bed when my eye­lids feel like they’re 20 pound weights. It’s only when I have to wake up ear­ly that this becomes a bad thing because when­ev­er it hap­pens I know I’m sleep­ing in.

The Problem With Freshman Classes

I feel old.

I’m forced to sit in class for hours, lis­ten­ing to the pal­try con­ver­sa­tions of the peo­ple around me. I under­stand that not every­one talks about some­thing intel­lec­tu­al every sec­ond of the day, but most of these con­ver­sa­tions are beyond stu­pid. What I hate most are the peo­ple who ask the prof ques­tions, and then say, “That does­n’t make any sense”. Yes, it does make sense. You just don’t under­stand, you fuck­ing idiot. Why are so many peo­ple so mega­lo­ma­ni­a­cal as to assume that they’re smart and able to com­pre­hend any­thing?

Holidays Season Games

One of the “prob­lems” around the hol­i­days sea­son is the flood of qual­i­ty games that come out. Publishers are always vying for that Christmas mar­ket, and set release dates so that peo­ple have ample time to wrap up a game and put it under the tree. I’m cur­rent­ly addict­ed to Tony Hawk Underground for the GBA. I’ve been play­ing some Prince of Persia, although with­out a con­troller it’s very frus­trat­ing. I can com­plete­ly under­stand why so many peo­ple have such good things to say about it, but I’m think­ing that it’s only playable as a con­sole game. There’s also Uru, which I still have to play and fin­ish with Trolley. Then there’s Double Dash for the GC I haven’t tried yet, and Wind Waker I haven’t fin­ished yet.

Good thing I already fin­ished Call of Duty before Christmas, and the Thief III and Half-Life 2 release dates have been pushed back or there would be no way I’d be moti­vat­ed enough for class.