Heather G left a package outside my door after trying to make plans and getting what must have been a distant answer. Organic herbal tea, 80% dark chocolate truffles, and not only sushi from my favourite restaurant, but my favourite kinds too. She knows me extraordinarily well for a person I barely get a chance to see, and she cares so much even though she has no idea what I’m going through. It’s helped me realize that some people are better at being what you need, that you can’t expect every person to fill all the roles in your life. I’m also trying to figure out what those needs are right now, and how to express those needs to others (or how hard it is for me to express them).
It always takes me a while to recover from these kinds of weeks, and this one was particularly difficult. When the cops showed up, I pulled the whole Drexl Spivey thing and ate my Chinese, carried on like I ain’t got a care in the world. I know what they need to hear, especially the second time around, and what’s more, I know that nothing they say will make a difference.
Everything has left me feeling numb and overstimulated. Almost all the hours are spent in Far Cry 3 with a bolt-action suppressed Z93, wasting time and lives in appropriate portions. Losing myself in that world and not getting anything productive done at all was an easy decision. I know I deserve to be okay for a little while, and we all deal with our damage in different ways.
I had been writing non-stop for weeks. I’m not sure if it was restlessness, or if I had too much to get off my chest, or what. Sometimes I wrote two or three entries at the same time, because my mind went off in so many different directions. It’s always been a habit to over-analyze things.
Then at some point, the world stopped making sense. My mind went blank, leaving me with nothing to say. It’s like my brain had given up on trying to figure it all out. I guess it’s better than thinking too much.
I feel so distant from everything now. A strange numbness, unlike anything I’ve felt before. The things that used to matter don’t seem important anymore. Or maybe I just stopped caring.
Every now and then, I get a surge of emotion, and I’m unsure of whether I should fight it or embrace it.
i felt disconnected all day. distant. disjointed. another bee in the hive. i don’t know why.
when i stepped outside getting off work, it was grey, breezy, devoid of sunshine.
the bass in my ears moved me. driving the beat of my heart. walking my feet.
the sun slowly came out, mixed bittersweet with the clouds.
and then you showed up. black and white across the street.
i kept my head down as you walked by, careful not to ruin that perfect image in my head. it was enough to keep me going. to make me smile when the most i could feel all day was neutral.
i love you but i don’t know you.
What do I have left to do today? I’m not really sure. I’ll roll my frozen chocolate mixture into truffles tomorrow. I should shower tonight. Fold up some clothes. Throw expired transfers in the garbage.
Sometimes it feels as if my life has become simple, and all I have to do is turn on auto-pilot. I don’t really have anything to worry about. Money, companionship, school, health, everything I used to think about constantly before have all ceased to be problems for me. I even have people that I would consider friends.
Lately it feels as if I’ve reached a sort of equilibrium, where anything can happen but I’ll be able to deal with any problems that arise. This is quite a change from before, where I was always worrying, turning over in my head the things that bothered me.
It’s almost a form of complacency. However, this is a sense of total complacency, unlike even my previous complacent feelings. I’m unsure of whether or not this is a temporary thing, and how long it will last if this is true. Being complacent means that the excitement I used to feel, from the struggle to control undesirable emotions, to the nervousness associated to attraction, to the simple uncertainty of passing a course, has mostly leveled out. These were all scary things, but exhilarating nonetheless. This complacency is different from feeling numb because it’s on a different level. Numbness deals more specifically with emotion, whereas complacency refers to life in general, including emotion. This means that complacency is not necessarily a bad thing.
I’m just not sure what to make of it as of yet.