The Uncertainty of Complacency

What do I have left to do today? I’m not real­ly sure. I’ll roll my frozen choco­late mix­ture into truf­fles tomor­row. I should show­er tonight. Fold up some clothes. Throw expired trans­fers in the garbage.

Sometimes it feels as if my life has become sim­ple, and all I have to do is turn on auto-pilot. I don’t real­ly have any­thing to wor­ry about. Money, com­pan­ion­ship, school, health, every­thing I used to think about con­stant­ly before have all ceased to be prob­lems for me. I even have peo­ple that I would con­sid­er friends.

Lately it feels as if I’ve reached a sort of equi­lib­ri­um, where any­thing can hap­pen but I’ll be able to deal with any prob­lems that arise. This is quite a change from before, where I was always wor­ry­ing, turn­ing over in my head the things that both­ered me.

It’s almost a form of com­pla­cen­cy. However, this is a sense of total com­pla­cen­cy, unlike even my pre­vi­ous com­pla­cent feel­ings. I’m unsure of whether or not this is a tem­po­rary thing, and how long it will last if this is true. Being com­pla­cent means that the excite­ment I used to feel, from the strug­gle to con­trol unde­sir­able emo­tions, to the ner­vous­ness asso­ci­at­ed to attrac­tion, to the sim­ple uncer­tain­ty of pass­ing a course, has most­ly lev­eled out. These were all scary things, but exhil­a­rat­ing nonethe­less. This com­pla­cen­cy is dif­fer­ent from feel­ing numb because it’s on a dif­fer­ent lev­el. Numbness deals more specif­i­cal­ly with emo­tion, where­as com­pla­cen­cy refers to life in gen­er­al, includ­ing emo­tion. This means that com­pla­cen­cy is not nec­es­sar­i­ly a bad thing.

I’m just not sure what to make of it as of yet.

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