Monthly Archives: November 2004

Long-Term Issue

The day was going so well. It’s the end of the week, work has­n’t been too stress­ful, and tonight is sup­posed to be fun.

One tiny fuck­ing thing had to ruin it.

I can’t believe I almost broke down here. I can’t even cry, when it feels like let­ting go and bawl­ing my eyes out would be the only way to get it all out of my sys­tem. I can only sit here, my eyes swollen and tired, and force myself to work. I don’t know how oth­er peo­ple deal with their prob­lems, because I’m not the only one. I just seem to be the only one who has­n’t come to terms with it all.

Am I just a nat­u­ral­ly weak per­son? How are oth­ers, who seem to have gone through the same thing, not be affect­ed by it? Will this ever go away?

Before, I sim­ply hat­ed. Then, for years, I believed that I came to terms with it. Now, I sim­ply ques­tion why.

Why is it so hard for me to get over this?

Chaos: An Introduction

Thumbnail: Curious Chaos

Last week, Aaron and Karen got a nine-week old kit­ten, named Chaos. I had the plea­sure of check­ing up on him over the week­end. He was extreme­ly ner­vous about meet­ing me at first, but he even­tu­al­ly warmed up enough to play with a mousie that I once bought for Dolly. I can already start to see parts of his per­son­al­i­ty com­ing through; he’s a lit­tle shy, but real­ly enjoys human atten­tion, and can spend hours just bat­ting things around.

Self-Restraint: Tensility

Some peo­ple turn to pills and things
To help them through the day
To take them up or down or just
To ease the blues away
But me I real­ly want to feel
The ups and downs of life so real
Happy or sad emo­tions reign
My tears flow just the same

—Lamb, I Cry

I had been try­ing to write this for near­ly a month, but could­n’t get it down until I real­ly lis­tened to the lyrics of I Cry on the walk home past the pow­er lines. I decid­ed to split this up into two sep­a­rate entries, after real­iz­ing that I have two sim­i­lar ideas in my head, but two very dis­tinct issues. Perhaps it just took a few extra rough days of work to force me to think about this. All the things falling apart that I have to fix, respon­si­bil­i­ties, dead­lines, and tons of oth­er mis­cel­la­neous things are def­i­nite­ly mak­ing me think of ways to get the ten­sion out of my arms and shoul­ders.

Sometimes, when I come home, all I want to do is get piss drunk or mind­less­ly stoned. Maybe go reck­less­ly buy a bunch of things I don’t need, to make myself feel bet­ter for that lit­tle amount of time. Sometimes I just feel like doing some­thing irra­tional, even though I have no idea what or why, sim­ply because I believe it would get my mind of things. And yet I don’t do any of this, espe­cial­ly when I’m hav­ing a par­tic­u­lar­ly bad day, because I don’t want to be depen­dent on any­thing.

I don’t want to rely on nar­cotics, or mate­r­i­al goods, or self-muti­la­tion, or any­thing at all to make myself feel bet­ter. I want to be sure that I can han­dle things, no mat­ter what, on my own. I force myself to feel every stress­ful, mis­er­able, for­lorn emo­tion, so that I know that I can get through them.

Sometimes, every day can be a test. Music and writ­ing are the only things that I allow myself.

And some­times I have to tell myself that it’s enough.