Crank it. Loud, and maybe you’ll understand how I feel.
I’ve been in such a slump the last week. Maybe I’m over-worked, over-tired, and over-stressed. Things haven’t been going my way.
It’s filled me with such frustration, sadness, and anger.
Now I’m left to face the ugly world alone, and all I can think is to never put your trust in someone. Never be dependent, never expect anything from anyone because you’ll only get hurt.
I try to rationalize everything and follow the Tao, but I can’t. Everything is so overwhelming.
As much as I’ve learned, as much wisdom as I’ve gained, as far as I’ve come, I’m still human.
There’s a group of people I once knew well, past the barriers of formality and beyond any boundaries of unacceptance. Unfortunately, circumstances didn’t go our way, and I had to leave. It may have been considered a self-imposed exile, but exile sounds so severe. Leaving was the only thing that I could think of. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know from what I was running.
I just know that I was running. I just know that I needed to get away, to distance myself from some of the only people who have ever treated me with respect. From some of the only people who have ever treated me like family. With no explanation, I left, and they have every right to never speak to me again.
Now, years later, I find myself missing what I had. How selfish.
Perhaps it was the commitment. Perhaps it was my intolerance. Perhaps I was trying to protect others from getting too attached. Most likely, it was a combination of everything. I won’t say that I made a mistake, because I make my decisions based on limited knowledge and current, undeveloped wisdom. I will, however, apologize and admit that I’m sorry. Sorry for ever causing any sort of pain, to the last people in the world who ever deserve it.
This is me at my most humble.
The day was going so well. It’s the end of the week, work hasn’t been too stressful, and tonight is supposed to be fun.
One tiny fucking thing had to ruin it.
I can’t believe I almost broke down here. I can’t even cry, when it feels like letting go and bawling my eyes out would be the only way to get it all out of my system. I can only sit here, my eyes swollen and tired, and force myself to work. I don’t know how other people deal with their problems, because I’m not the only one. I just seem to be the only one who hasn’t come to terms with it all.
Am I just a naturally weak person? How are others, who seem to have gone through the same thing, not be affected by it? Will this ever go away?
Before, I simply hated. Then, for years, I believed that I came to terms with it. Now, I simply question why.
Why is it so hard for me to get over this?