Now I know what it feels like to be high maintenance.
I’m exhausted but I’m not tired. I must sleep but I can’t sleep.
Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to gut myself. I’d make a line across my stomach, proping myself against a wall, and try to pull my intestines out to see how far they’d stretch. I’d make a hole on the left with the tip, curved for better control, and drag to the right with the edge. To enlarge the hole, turn the knife blade facing away from you and place between your index and middle finger as a guide. I’d cut my arms open and tear out the flesh to make sure I couldn’t sow myself back together. Sometimes I just draw the lines on my stomach, mixed in with all the writing, and imagine that the coldness of my pen is the chill.
For some reason, it helps.
I need a plain black, long-sleeved shirt.
Jealousy is not a familiar emotion to me. I’m never jealous of what someone has, simply because I dislike comparing others with myself in terms of what one may earn/deserve. It’s only in my relationships which any sort of envious emotions surface, and even then, such an onerous emotion happens rarely to me.
Historically speaking, I’m generally over-confident, and such a mindset creates very worry-free relationships. It’s when I don’t have this confidence that my mind starts to wonder. In a way, this is my insecurity getting the better of me. It feels so odd to have to fight off this emotion, to have to constantly remind myself and keep my feelings in check. It’s almost an extreme test of how far I’ve come in my goal to be a cerebral person. When I try to calm myself down I can feel my mind evening out, like a melting candle, leveling out from heat.
So far, my jealousy has been easier to contain than I would have believed. Maybe I’m losing my insecurities better than I know, and I’ve come further as a person than I realized. Because of my inexperience with jealousy, I do salute any jealousy I experience as a mark of true love.
Perhaps some jealousy is a good thing.
I did end up going to Ryan’s barbecue, expecting to only know about four people, but actually knowing about half the people there. Aaron and I bought a twelve of Vex, which doesn’t taste like much but at 7% and only $10 for a six it was good enough to get us going. I was able to try some Bitburger which had a nice clean taste. Re-experiencing some Smithwicks, however, left my mouth with a terrible bitter taste. The barbecue was a great time, although after flame cooking my sausages, I’m afraid I won’t be able to go back to my Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. After cooking my steak on a campfire grill last camping trip, I’ve been unable to look at broiling or electric-grilling my steaks in the same way.
By 9:00 pm I was at the Southvale apartments, feeling completely drained. Wheaties made us a pot of coffee while the other kept drinking. Aaron, Wheaties, Trolley, and I fired up a game of Ghettopoly. I got my piece of choice, the pimp, and was owning the southwest corner properties like a…fat kid on cake. Eventually, the crack houses and projects on my best properties won the game, since the vicissitude of unlucky dice rolls gave me the cash money for some maneuverability. A great time.
At one point, Aaron and I shared a Cohiba on the balcony. I was surprised at how light and smooth the cigar tasted, although it had a very tight pull, which made smoking it a bit of a chore.