I haven’t been able to get any reading done. I stayed over at Aaron’s the night before, and we spent the night playing Gamecube and XBox with his brother. We went shopping and saw Lord of the Rings when we woke up a few hours later.
My parents bought me a great cookbook for Christmas, so I’ll be attempting a few recipes. Unfortunately, I can only try a few of the recipes, since most of them serve four or more. Jamie Oliver always seemed sexy in a dorky sort of way, until I realized that it was his mastery in the kitchen, and the loss of his mullet.
I’ve realized that listening to The Gentle Waves fills me with a sort of contentment and happiness. Their music is not bittersweet or trite, and somehow calming and moving at the same time. I think I might end up keeping their songs simply because I don’t have anything quite like them.
I’ve been in such a strange, undefinable mood lately. It feels like I’m apathetic to everything, while the future seems hopeful. It’s probably just a mixture of everything that happened in the last term, the odd ups and dysthymic downs.
Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.
I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.
It would be worth it.
I had the chance to experience some strong, uncerebral conviction from someone I, unfortunately, didn’t have much respect for. I imagine that it was caused by a refusal to understand anything outside of her frame of mind. She seemed so zealous in her opinion, so upset at any mention of the contrary, that any attempt to loosen her resolve proved to be more than fruitless.
It seemed as if she was making up for her ignorance in strength of opinion. In order to seem as if she was knowledgeable about the subject, she became extremely opinionated.
How can one argue with such a difficult person? My answer is simple; I don’t. Argument is something that I’ve given up on completely, in general. I now find discussion, as opposed to argument, to be an exercise in loquacity and conversation. At my age, it seems that most people have surpassed what Erikson believed to be the identity vs. role confusion stage. They have become confident in their beliefs, and there is little that can be done to show them a new view. Of course, there are always a few people who can keep a beautifully open mind, accepting the possibility of anything, perhaps something as adventurous as admitting they are wrong.
There always seems to be a fine line between someone who is opinionated for shallow, insecure reasons, and someone who is opinionated validly. Unless one attempts to understand both cases, they both seem the same.
The adventure becomes not the enlightenment of the former, but the distinction between the two.
I just found out that I failed my last algorithms mid-term. It just seems like no matter how hard I try, I always end up failing. It seems so worthless, all the effort I put into my schoolwork. Even all my studying for my cryptography exam will all be for naught.
It pisses me the fuck off. I feel so angry just thinking about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of failing three of my five finals.
Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail completely, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It creates a pressure on me to do well, and the pressure works. But this is pressure on a much larger scale, because it could get me kicked out of the program.
It feels as if I need this bigger pressure to get on with my life. I really need some kind of change, some kind of incident to happen that can galvanize the static that seems to be controlling my life.
Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every failure possible; I can take another course to make up for failing cryptography, I can take algorithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my second failure of networking to the dean.
And yet, everything feels so hopeless. I think I just need it to happen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.
So that I can get better.
I feel so damn tired. My fingers aren’t working correctly. They feel like they’re sticking together. The LAN party ended sooner than expected, since everyone was feeling so damn tired. Aaron had to leave early because his ride left early (around 3:00 in the morning) so he got in a few good hours of solid gaming. I ended up leaving around 8:00 am, and I was able to stay awake until 11:00 am. I slept for about six hours until I awoke from a phone call. I’m hoping to stay up for as long as possible, then crash out of my bed so that my system won’t be too fucked.
I’m questioning whether the entire party was worth it, since I think that the two days spent at the LAN and recovering may make the difference in passing and failing my last two finals. The whole thing ended rather unsatisfactorily, due to the untimely departure of four people, so the momentum of the energy died down. No regrets.
I found out that the cabin that Aaron and I were going to rent with some of the guys in January is under new management. They have a new policy that doesn’t allow renting to people under 25. We found another cabin that will be more expensive, but it has an indoor pool, jacuzzi, and full kitchen. It’ll end up costing about $170 alone, but it’s probably worth it, since I’m expected to be too sore to do anything after one day of boarding.