I just found out that I failed my last algorithms mid-term. It just seems like no matter how hard I try, I always end up failing. It seems so worthless, all the effort I put into my schoolwork. Even all my studying for my cryptography exam will all be for naught.
It pisses me the fuck off. I feel so angry just thinking about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of failing three of my five finals.
Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail completely, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It creates a pressure on me to do well, and the pressure works. But this is pressure on a much larger scale, because it could get me kicked out of the program.
It feels as if I need this bigger pressure to get on with my life. I really need some kind of change, some kind of incident to happen that can galvanize the static that seems to be controlling my life.
Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every failure possible; I can take another course to make up for failing cryptography, I can take algorithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my second failure of networking to the dean.
And yet, everything feels so hopeless. I think I just need it to happen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.
So that I can get better.