I just found out that I failed my last algo­rithms mid-term. It just seems like no mat­ter how hard I try, I always end up fail­ing. It seems so worth­less, all the effort I put into my school­work. Even all my study­ing for my cryp­tog­ra­phy exam will all be for naught.

It piss­es me the fuck off. I feel so angry just think­ing about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of fail­ing three of my five finals.

Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail com­plete­ly, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It cre­ates a pres­sure on me to do well, and the pres­sure works. But this is pres­sure on a much larg­er scale, because it could get me kicked out of the pro­gram.

It feels as if I need this big­ger pres­sure to get on with my life. I real­ly need some kind of change, some kind of inci­dent to hap­pen that can gal­va­nize the sta­t­ic that seems to be con­trol­ling my life.

Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every fail­ure pos­si­ble; I can take anoth­er course to make up for fail­ing cryp­tog­ra­phy, I can take algo­rithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my sec­ond fail­ure of net­work­ing to the dean.

And yet, every­thing feels so hope­less. I think I just need it to hap­pen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.

So that I can get bet­ter.