Posts tagged with "solitude"

The premature exit

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

I barely stayed for two hours. It wasn’t the game (though it did prove to be as frustratingly random as I remember it) or the people (who were quite nice and refreshingly intelligent). When I told Jess, she said, “But it’s so early.” I just shrugged my shoulders. As an introvert, she understood.

Onegin: premature exit

 

Sometimes I wonder if I come off as an extremely anti-social person. I tend to be the first one to leave parties, and sometimes so early that the host will ask me if everything is alright. When it comes to being around people, I’m definitely a high-maintenance person. I’m much happier in one-on-one situations, and even more often I prefer being alone.

As much as I’ve grown and changed, I’ve always needed the world in small doses.

Drive To Nowhere

I put on my most comfortable hoodie, grab a camera and a tripod. Pass by the mirror and see my eyes are swollen. A baseball cap’ll hide my face.

I put on The Alchemy Index. First is Fire. An anthem of rage, and burning, and fury in the night.

I had Firebreather by Thrice playing here.

The flames will rise and devour me.
Oh, to breathe in fire, and know I’m free.

Honda Civic Coupe at night

I find a quiet, winding road, alternating between 60 and 30 max. About eight kilometres down, there’s a small ferry loading dock, with a place to park on the side of the road. I get out and take a picture of the car. Other cars keep passing by, their headlights leaving streaks across my camera sensor.

The road slopes upwards around a bend, and I drive off again to find out where it goes.

Quebec at night

There’s a lookout point on a cliff, surrounded by a rail. Across the waves of the Ottawa river is Quebec. People come and go. Three types of people.

The couples here for a romantic view. They park, walk up to the railing, and talk to each other about nothing in particular. The girlfriends get cold and shortly want to leave.

The kids in their parent’s cars, already high or drunk. They sit in the car with all the lights on, talking through their music, oblivious to the serenity around them otherwise.

The men here by themselves, abandoned and alone on a Friday night. They sit in their cars with the lights out, and come out to lean on the railing every now and then. I’m one of them.

Ottawa Rockcliffe parkway at night

On my way back, I skip Water and put on Air. A song about a boy who could fly, about falling upwards and away.

I had A Song for Milly Michaelson by Thrice playing here.

So, here we go.
Hold on tight and don’t let go.
I won’t ever let you fall.
I love the night.
Flying o’er these city lights.
But I love you most of all.

I miss a turn, and find a smooth pavement road that winds through the forest. My eyes are dry and tired. I put on the high beams and cruise control, discovering another way home.

Psychoanalytic Reflections 01

It’s a full seven days between sessions, and at this point, my pschologist is just starting to know me. In between, I can never stop reflecting. I’ve always believed that I know myself well, but these sessions are probing ideas and memories I haven’t thought of in a while, and opening up completely new areas of reflection.

And while I could write for days about these thoughts and epiphanies, I simply don’t have the time, so I figured I’d briefly touch on them in point form.

  • I need to respect my psychologist in order to accept help from him. i.e. If he was a Freudian and I was a Jungian, I wouldn’t be able to agree with any of his methods.
  • I get very anxious when I’m in his office. This is because I don’t like to admit to myself that something’s wrong with me, but when I’m in there, it’s a very tangible reminder that I have mental problems.
  • I’m very conflicted on several issues.
    • I don’t want to lose my emotions because I need to suffer to create. Yet the emotions are bad enough that I don’t want to have them anymore (or have them in moderation at least).
    • I want to love and be in a relationship, and at the same time I cling to being single because I’m scared of being hurt (in addition to the fact that the freedom is intoxicating). I do this by pushing others away from me or cutting them off.
      • This stems from two significant childhood memories, where I felt betrayed in friendship, as well as my relationship with my parents.
    • I want to be settled and have some stability (in terms of schedule, relationships, finances etc.), but the struggle to be settled is what makes me grow and be stronger.
    • Many of these issues can only be resolved from decisions I should make. (i.e. No one else can make the decision for me)
    • Turning to Taoism, which is very paradoxical in itself, has only helped so much.
  • Without my creativity, or my desire to express myself, I’m nothing.
  • I don’t want to “blame” my parents for confidence problems or perfectionist tendencies, but I’m slowly starting to find out that they’ve affected me even more than I thought before.
  • As a hedonist, my greatest fear is losing my joie de vivre. If this happened (and it has once), I would consider killing myself. This is because the joys of life balance out all the bad and makes it worth living.
  • I’m dependent on other people for happiness. I don’t see my friends often enough for me to be satisfied, and it’s a simple fact of life. They all have significant others, and I’m the only one left single. I don’t blame them for not spending enough time with me, but it makes me very sad.

The Awareness Of Freedom

Thumbnail: Lincoln Fields bus station

OC Transpo buses

Freedom.

Freedom from what has been a shroud, not a weight, on my mind for as long as I’ve known. Tonight confirmed what was suspected for weeks, when I stepped out into shadows and lights, and walked through a dry field against the darkness.

A rush. The feeling of having everything to gain and nothing to lose. That I can start living now.

Freedom in the solitude.