I’ve been feeling serene lately.
Serenity hasn’t been something that lasts for me. It comes and goes in cycles. Eventually, I fall off the path, because anger, impatience, love, over-analyzing, are all habits of mine. Habits that resurface when I let my guard down.
The goal now is to keep the serenity going. The hardest part is the fact that I have to be conscious in my attempt. It’s a constant work in progress, and something I can’t stop working on, lest I fall into the trap of my old self again. I’m hoping that eventually, I’ll be able to make this into a good habit, and this peace will come on its own.
So often, it’s hope that gets me through. But I have no need of hope, or closure, or justice anymore. None of that matters. Life is what it is. I’m starting to let go of everything I used to hold dear.
Edit: Wow, I found an old photo I took in 2004 of the CD in Trolley’s CD player.
Modest Mouse used to be the best kept indie rock secret. Then they let Gravity Rides Everything be used in a Nissan commercial. Then they did Saturday Night Live. Then they did The O.C. (Really, Modest Mouse? REALLY?). Then they appeared on Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour, and now I wonder if they were just sellouts doing it for the money to begin with.
But before all that happened, or perhaps as it happened, they came out with Float On.[audio:float-on.mp3|titles=Float On|artists=Modest Mouse]
This was the song of 2004. It defined the year for me. I was picking myself up off the floor after a torrid relationship, and settling down alone, finding my own little bit of peace.
That was six years ago, and I’m back there again. I had an odd moment of serenity as I left the staircase to the Tai Chi studio tonight, and walked into the frigid, calm air. Sort of like I had no hope, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t need hope; I had my hands, my senses, my wits, and my camera, and that was good enough.
I’m sure the fact that I’ve starting working from home four days out of the week has something to do with it. I can work on projects with my music loud, and my pjs on. I don’t get interrupted, so my productivity is great.
Okay, so I’ve been avoiding any movies or TV shows with dating or romance. I’m sticking strictly to Babylon 5 and The Sopranos. It’s been working, because I’ve been feeling better about myself and my current situation. Thinking: “Maybe I’m a nice secret right now”.
I’ve come to understand the mindsets of a few different types of people when it comes to personal problems. Most people I know will simply deal with any problems, instead of fighting them head on. I find that I try to do the same thing sometimes, but I tend to come out a little worse for wear. Most have probably gained more serenity, something that I’m still learning to control.
Yet when most people are dealing with their issues in a passive manner, the methods become even more diverse. Justification seems to be a very common method, but many justify in different ways.
Some that I know believe that life is simply full of disappointments (a few Buddhist candidates, I’m sure) and that any bad things that come their way should simply be understood. They don’t get angry or upset, and they seem to come out on top of things in the end. Others try to ignore the problems, since thinking about them will only make things worse. Some that I know even use such bad situations to their advantage by exaggerating them for some cheap attention. I even know others who are able to feel better by comparing themselves to others.
Some will simply get depressed.
I find that I generally fall in either the former or the latter categories. I would hope so at least, since I’ve been in the latter for a great part of my life. I’ve been able to deal with things a little bit better now, for about three years. I suppose that it’s something that Rob was able to teach me, but probably also due to the fact that I’ve had a good last three years. I’ve been able to see the other side of life that so many others seem to be able to experience. I feel like I’ve only gotten a taste, and that I should try to experience it again.
But God still owes me some serenity.