Posts tagged with "emotion"

Fetus

I am usu­al­ly not one who pro­fess­es to know a lot. I’m often fair­ly hum­bled in front of many oth­ers who pos­sess a greater intel­li­gence than me (although I know my fair share of stu­pid peo­ple). I think that intel­li­gence is some­thing about myself that I’ll nev­er be sat­is­fied with. There are too many things to know and learn and improve upon, and the pur­suit of such would take longer than an eter­ni­ty.

Reading back on some of my entries, some­thing which has been hard to do late­ly, I feel like a child again. My entries seem to be filled with such uncere­bral emo­tion some­times. It’s as if I can be great­ly both­ered by things that I should be able to over­come. Of course, it’s writ­ing here which helps me out when I need it, when it feels like no one can under­stand or relate. It all just fills this writ­ten his­to­ry with bias. Nothing can change the fact that I am still a human per­son who has emo­tions, although my life expe­ri­ences have damp­ened them con­sid­er­ably.

I feel young when I real­ize how much these emo­tions can some­times affect me.

I’m still unsure whether it would be bet­ter or worse to feel more. On the one hand, I can keep myself in check and keep my actions con­sis­tent if some­thing hap­pens which might upset me. On the oth­er hand, I feel numb, as if things which should bring me plea­sure end up being noth­ing in par­tic­u­lar.

Balance need­ed in yet some­thing else.

I Need To Tell You

I won­der if I come off as a per­son with emo­tion­al bag­gage. One of the (very few) things that I pride myself in is my “self-aware­ness”, the abil­i­ty to see myself objec­tive­ly, but this is a char­ac­ter­is­tic that I am unable to deter­mine with­in myself. Has my past made me a per­son of fright­en­ing, unper­son­able dis­po­si­tion? Do peo­ple think of me as some­one with deep root­ed emo­tion­al issues?

I won­der if my his­to­ry even mat­ters to oth­ers. I real­ize that it’s when I let my his­to­ry inter­fere with or affect my rela­tion­ships that it becomes a prob­lem. I’m afraid, how­ev­er, that I let things become affect­ed more than I’d like, more than I under­stand.

The past is some­thing that I rec­og­nize as being sig­nif­i­cant, and I try to keep it only as that. It is some­thing that I learn from, some­thing which can affect me and my deci­sions today, but not some­thing that I should present­ly be deal­ing with.

So, is it?

Well, I’m not com­plete­ly sure. On a night like tonight, when the mid­night sky burns bright enough to illu­mi­nate my room, I can’t help but feel unheard, unheard in some­thing I wish to express. What becomes this need to be under­stood?

It’s a voice I wish to have, to bring me clo­sure, to let me be free.

It has tak­en me three hours to write this final thought, along with the resur­fac­ing of many dis­tract­ing mem­o­ries. Things still feel unre­solved, of course, but I have suf­fi­cient­ly quelled my mood until there is a more appro­pri­ate time to express myself.

When I see you again, you will under­stand what I’ve become, and what you’ve done to make me this way.

Tired Thoughts, Game Of Life, Etc.

I’m fuck­ing exhaust­ed. I haven’t been this tired since my trip to Tremblant, pos­si­bly. I feel drugged. I almost had a 10 hour day, and I slept hor­ri­bly last night. I decid­ed to attempt an entry at five in the morn­ing, but I did­n’t get very far. I knew that if I did­n’t write tonight, I would­n’t sleep very well again.

I find so much rea­son to write nowa­days. I seem to be get­ting affect­ed by so much. All my emo­tion is com­ing back to me like the open­ing of a vac­u­um.

Working on my graph­ics assign­ment has made me real­ize how large the project is. I have most of the cam­era move­ments fig­ured out, so that I can enter co-ordi­nates into an array and the cam­era will move between them. I can get the oth­er motions done, like cam­era angle and cen­ter of focus rel­a­tive­ly eas­i­ly. I just need to fig­ure out a way to ani­mate four arm objects at once, keep­ing track of all the motions. I’ll have about two days to work on it, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it done.

An inter­est­ing math­e­mat­i­cal idea I’ve learned more about is the Game of Life. I’ve nev­er real­ly found math phe­nom­e­na fas­ci­nat­ing, but the Game of Life offers an infi­nite num­ber of pos­si­bilites in cre­at­ing some­thing amaz­ing. With a sim­ple drag of the mouse, one can see if a group of cells will be able to sur­vive, reach sta­sis, or die off, based on Conway’s rules. I could spend hours try­ing out new pat­terns, watch­ing the cells dance in tiny flour­ish­es of log­ic.

I got all three of my mid-terms back, and I was able to pass two out of three. However, the two I man­aged to pass are still with­in five marks of fail­ing. I find that this term is the ulti­mate test of my abil­i­ty to pull things off. It’s the term with the most dire con­se­quences if I fail, and the term that requires the most of my gal­va­niz­ing strength.

I’ve asked Pat to attend my grad­u­a­tion. He’s the per­son who’s helped me out the most in the last four years, no mat­ter what my prob­lem was. Out of all the peo­ple I know, I think that he would be the proud­est.

Tonight was anoth­er scary movie night. Nick, Aaron, and Pita came over. This time it was The Shining. I almost watched it one time, but I was in the com­pa­ny of peo­ple who were mock­ing oth­er peo­ple, so I opt­ed to fall asleep instead. Although I did­n’t walk away from this movie with as much fear as Ringu, it was able to actu­al­ly send chills up my spine and down my arms. I’ve nev­er expe­ri­enced any sort of chills relat­ing to hor­ror before, pos­si­bly because I usu­al­ly don’t like the genre. I was…amazed at what Kubrick did. The angles and score seemed to be the most dis­tin­guish­ing fea­ture. My favorite scene is when the wife is exhaust­ed­ly try­ing to open the freez­er door, jam­ming the han­dle over and over, while the cam­era is set near the door, and the audi­ence can see the sweat in her hair, the fatigue in her face, the fran­tic­ness of the sit­u­a­tion.

Emotion As Pain, Unproductive Days, More Music

I feel a bit bet­ter today, but not much. Rest is good for clear­ing my cache of emo­tions. Emotion is pain. Ground zero indeed.

I still had a great time last night though. There were 14 peo­ple at one point in my apart­ment yes­ter­day. I did­n’t get as much gam­ing in as I want­ed, but I sup­pose the host is nev­er the one with best time. I also sobered up before the night was half done, which was a lit­tle dis­ap­point­ing. We end­ed up order­ing five piz­zas, and an entire piz­za was left over. Everyone kept telling me how much they liked Dolly, even the peo­ple who gen­er­al­ly don’t like cats, except for Ian since he’s a hard-core cat hater. It was an amaz­ing night which I’ll have to do again.

Yet anoth­er day of absolute­ly no work done. I have many things to do this week, which is wor­ry­ing me, quite the flash­back from last term. I’ll be meet­ing with Aaron and Nick ear­ly in the week to dis­cuss our tech­no­log­i­cal busi­ness ven­ture. On Wednesday I’ll need to meet with my super­vi­sor to dis­cuss the progress of my hon­ours project, but before that hap­pens I’ll need to meet with my part­ner to dis­cuss what we’ve learned. Then I have three mid-terms on Valentine’s day, none of which I’m pre­pared for. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull some­thing off again like last term.

Sometimes I’ll find a song that I enjoy so much that I can put it on repeat with­out get­ting tired of it, although such songs are few and far between. Songs such as Anger Management by Lovage, 96 Quite Bitter Beings by CKY, or Acid Rain by Liquid Tension Experiment. I was lucky enough to dis­cov­er a band called Nevermore recent­ly, and one of their songs, The River Dragon has Come, is anoth­er song that just blows me away. The last time I found a song like this was last September, so I’m extreme­ly pleased with my dis­cov­ery.

Thoughts On New Years Eve

I haven’t been able to get any read­ing done. I stayed over at Aaron’s the night before, and we spent the night play­ing Gamecube and XBox with his broth­er. We went shop­ping and saw Lord of the Rings when we woke up a few hours lat­er.

My par­ents bought me a great cook­book for Christmas, so I’ll be attempt­ing a few recipes. Unfortunately, I can only try a few of the recipes, since most of them serve four or more. Jamie Oliver always seemed sexy in a dorky sort of way, until I real­ized that it was his mas­tery in the kitchen, and the loss of his mul­let.

I’ve real­ized that lis­ten­ing to The Gentle Waves fills me with a sort of con­tent­ment and hap­pi­ness. Their music is not bit­ter­sweet or trite, and some­how calm­ing and mov­ing at the same time. I think I might end up keep­ing their songs sim­ply because I don’t have any­thing quite like them.

I’ve been in such a strange, unde­fin­able mood late­ly. It feels like I’m apa­thet­ic to every­thing, while the future seems hope­ful. It’s prob­a­bly just a mix­ture of every­thing that hap­pened in the last term, the odd ups and dys­thymic downs.