Posts tagged with "crying"

Long-Term Issue

The day was going so well. It’s the end of the week, work has­n’t been too stress­ful, and tonight is sup­posed to be fun.

One tiny fuck­ing thing had to ruin it.

I can’t believe I almost broke down here. I can’t even cry, when it feels like let­ting go and bawl­ing my eyes out would be the only way to get it all out of my sys­tem. I can only sit here, my eyes swollen and tired, and force myself to work. I don’t know how oth­er peo­ple deal with their prob­lems, because I’m not the only one. I just seem to be the only one who has­n’t come to terms with it all.

Am I just a nat­u­ral­ly weak per­son? How are oth­ers, who seem to have gone through the same thing, not be affect­ed by it? Will this ever go away?

Before, I sim­ply hat­ed. Then, for years, I believed that I came to terms with it. Now, I sim­ply ques­tion why.

Why is it so hard for me to get over this?

Crier

I’ve gained a cer­tain noto­ri­ety amongst some as being a crier, but today was the first time that I actu­al­ly had a break­down. The first time there was­n’t just a sin­gle thing that brought me to tears, but sev­er­al, which, by them­selves, would have been tol­er­a­ble. And even though I’ve long known and been an advo­cate of the prac­ti­cal aspects of lachry­mol­o­gy, today was the first time that I still felt like shit when I could­n’t cry any more.

This song in my head is telling me about how the stars keep shin­ing down, the world keeps turn­ing ’round, not to let these hard­ships bring me down because times like these will come around. I believe him, because I’ve been there. I’ve been to the point where I wished my inter­est in sui­cide was just a cry for atten­tion, and I’ve been to the point where it felt like noth­ing could bring me down.

All I know right now is that I’m going to get through this week, but it’s not going to be easy.

Mellisonant Apogee

I could nev­er under­stand why some songs could make my eyes water.

  • Radiohead — Paranoid Android, with its con­tra­dic­to­ry chords
  • Thrice — Artist in the Ambulance, with its repent­ing, inspi­ra­tional move­ments
  • Dreamtheater — Disappear, as the harp leads to dis­tor­tion in a bit­ter­sweet explo­sion
  • Billy Talent — Nothing to Lose, with its heartwrench­ing cho­rus
  • Godspeed, You Black Emperor! — Hungover as the Queen in Maida Vale, right when a sin­gle vio­lin inter­rupts the ser­mon
  • No Motiv — Born Again, when the drums kick in heavy and lead the lis­ten­er to the present
  • Lovage — Anger Management, with its pin­ing soft rock melody
  • The Dears — Heartless Romantic, with its thump­ing, dis­tort­ed bass hits against the dron­ing organ synth and dual vocals
  • Elliot Smith — Waltz #2, with its steady, but heart-break­ing tone
  • Bad Astronaut — These Days, every time the effu­sive cho­rus rush­es in
  • Strung Out — Match Book, in its entire ener­getic hope­ful­ness
  • Postal Service — The Dream Of Evan And Chan, through all the open­ing lines
  • Misfits — Saturday Night, as soon as the drag­ging gui­tars kick in
  • Portishead — Undenied, with Beths frag­ile voice accom­pa­ny­ing a sim­ple, dis­tort­ed loop

For the longest time I had assumed that it was the songs them­selves, com­posed so well with so much pain, that would blur my vision. These songs were sad, and tears were the prop­er response.

Then I heard some­thing a lit­tle dif­fer­ent, some­thing that was calm­ing yet lift­ing. A dreamy song by Modest Mouse called Float On, that filled me with an inde­scrib­able sat­is­fac­tion every time I heard it. And I real­ized that all these songs, as sad as they are, were mak­ing me hap­py.

So hap­py that tears are the prop­er response.